This is just to get things off my chest. It's my birthday, I'm in work and feel just dreadful. My mother died of cancer last autumn at the age of 58 after suffering cancer for the preceding two years. I was with her (and my dad) at the end, and while it was a comfort in some ways that we fulfilled her wish to die at home, it was also an absolute nightmare to see her like that - a shadow of the vibrant, creative person she was who we all expected to be around for much longer. I keep having repeated nightmares about her - dreams in which she's there, but ill or dying and I know that in fact she's really dead, but she's telling me she's not or that she's going to live (which is the way she was, she fought until the end and was audibly praying to be able to live). Although it's only been a few months, anniversaries like today - ie a day that she used to make a real fuss of me, or mother's day when I would make a fuss of her, are so hard to cope with. I'm having counselling, and that's been a help - and my dds and dh are a constant joy and comfort. My mil and dil also died within the last 2 years - they were in their 80s - its just been a really tough time which I guess there's no easy solution to. Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better now that I've written some of it down, and I'm looking forward to going for a massage later today - just wish I could stop feeling so tearful.
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