how does an 18 month old deal with bereavement?

[furniture]

I have a friend who is terminally ill. Her dd is almost the same age as mine (mine is 19 months, hers 18 months) and I will be very close to the partner following the mother's death as my friend has requested because I know the dd pretty well and am going to be getting to know her better over the next few weeks. My friend is absolutely lovely, a wonderful gentle caring mum and her dd adores her. It's a heart-breaking situation. What I have no idea about and can't find any literature to read is how the loss of her mother will affect the little girl. And subsequently how can I help her in the best ways. I mean if / when she asks 'where's mummy' what's the best thing for me to reply? I hope I can be strong enough.

[discordia]

Your friend's dd will always miss her mummy. Probably more in the future than she does at first. Commit everything you know about your friend to memory and write it down. Trivial stuff like what she liked to watch on TV, her favourite music, her hobbies. Bigger stuff like how much she loved her dd, what her pregnancy was like, what the child's birth was like. Exciting things they've done together. Then you can be the child's memory when her own memory of her mum fades. You'll find the strength somehow, furniture. Don't hide your grief but help the little girl to have positive precious memories.

[prufrock]

I lost my Mum when I was 2 furniture. I don't think it affected me hugely at the time, but it sure did later on. You need to ensure she knows as much about her mother as possible when she wants to know it - as discordia says, to hold the memories she can't.
I know I would have loved to have a friend of my mothers to ask questions of - even better would be letters from my mother. It's amazing how trivial stuff like what her favourite food was, who her first boyfriend was becomes so important when you don't know it.

[furniture]

Thanks for these replies. Yes, I'm entrusted to be 'keeper' of all sorts of things for the dd. There's loads of video tapes, diaries and things like that. The mother used to be an artist so I'm also entrusted with keeping some special pieces of her work so that the dd gets a sense of who she was. I'm not so worried about that side of things as how to actually help the dd in the immediate time after her mother dies. I know the dh will be grief-stricken and is a 'fragile' man anyway so I want to be able to support them both as best I can. And those things like her asking for her mum are the bits I just don't have a clue how to handle. Do you just say 'mummy's not coming back' or do you make it more of a story like 'mummy's living in heaven now'. I don't want to disturb her any more than she will be by the loss of such a precious person.

[discordia]

It sounds heartless but a little child quickly adjusts to a bereavment (although a toddler may repeat questions, like they do about everything else). I was 8 when my mum died and I truly didn't feel the impact until much later - it just became part of normal life having no mum. What this little one is told will depend on her family's beliefs. I presume that there is no strong religious belief in the family (or you'd know what to say). However, unless daddy is very anti then I would probably tell her that mummy has died and is in heaven now. I expect the hardest thing will be adults having their hearts broken by the poignant (sp?!) questions.

[triplets]

Dear Furniture,
So sorry to hear all of this, so heartbreaking. Try and get hold of a little book called Water Bugs and Dragonflies by Doris Stickney, usually sold in christian book shops. After the death of my own son I read every book I could get my hands on, nothing helped or made sense. Then another friend who had also lost her child sent me a copy of this book, it is really for explaining death to children, but oh, it so helped me. I always have a copy here so if you want one and can`t get one I will send you mine. Lots of love xxxxx

[furniture]

Thanks again. I'll get hold of a copy of that book triplets. It is both heart-breaking and reassuring to know my friend's dd will probably be ok. Given that the dd is still very young, do you think there will be separation problems? I mean, she cries every time her mum has to leave her (she's never been to nursery or a child minder or anything like that). She is close to her dad but it's a totally different thing, it's her mum she depends on and who makes her laugh and who she gives cuddles to. I really hope the dh can pull them through this, there's no immediate family to help and I'll do all I can but obviously I won't be able to be there all the time. I'm planning on having the dd to stay whenever the dh needs some time, she's stayed with me once before and it was really nice.

[august24]

This is supposed to be a good book about haveing a mother die. I think it is more geared towards adults, but it may help. Also on Amazon you can get it used for 3 pounds:
Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss
Hope Edelman

[jmg1]

furniture, I have three children and their Mother died suddenly when they were aged 1, 2 and 3. My son the 3 year old was hit the hardest, my 1 year old daughter must have been affected but she adjusted very quickly as long as she was given plenty of tlc.
I hope I am wrong but I think the children will think about it more as they get older and understand how tragic it is. I think the most important thing is to provide as must love and stability as possible that is what I will always try to do.

[wilbur]

Furniture, August24's suggestion is good. I found the Hope Edelman book very useful and it has a chapter on the legacy of losing your mother at different stages in your life (very young, teens and so on). There is also a lot in there about things she will want to know when she is older, which might be useful. My heart goes out to your friend, I can't imagine how she must feel to be leaving her dd. Life is so precious.

[KateandtheGirls]

Furniture, so sorry to hear about your friend. She and her daughter are lucky to have you.

The best advice I can give you is to make the most of this time that your friend has left, which it sounds like you are already doing, ie. video tapes, etc.

As to what you tell the little girl as far as "where is Mummy?". Have you spoken to your friend about that? What does she want you to tell the child? Does she believe in heaven? (and if so, do you? Would you be able to tell her honestly her mummy is in heaven?)

The little girl will show her grief in many different ways, and you'll never know when. When she's acting up, is it because she's just a normal child, or is it because she misses her mum? Don't let her get away with murder, set firm guidlines, but be sensitive.

My husband died on our daughter's 2nd birthday, so I have been through a lot of this with her. As she gets older her understanding of what happened to Daddy changes, and her questions change. Her sister wasn't even born yet when her daddy died (she just turned 2), so I know it's going to be a whole other set of questions with her when the time comes. I know it won't be long before she realises there's something missing in her life and I'm trying to enjoy her innocence while it lasts.

You sound like a wonderful friend. I'm sure your friend and her husband appreciate you more than you'll ever know.