Stillborn twins, so heartbroken

[Angie611]

Hi all,

A week ago (24th May 2015) I gave birth to stillborn identical twins. They had developed a condition called twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome at 20 weeks. I had laser surgery to try and stop the condition but it didn't work and 3 weeks later my waters broke and I went into premature labour.

In the time between my waters breaking and the onset of labour (which took 2 days), I was having some desperate thoughts that I feel terribly guilty for now and it's adding to the grief I feel. The neonatal consultant told me that if the babies were born alive at 23 weeks they could try and save them but the chances of severe brain damage were great, but that I could choose to have no intervention in which case they'd surely die. I chose not to let them intervene because I felt my babies had gone through enough and I didn't want them having needles stuck in them or invasive surgery. The doctor said that after 24 weeks they had an ethical responsibility to save them, but I didn't want my babies to have brain damage and live their lives like that. I was so scared of this happening and just wanted everything to be over. I was in such a bad way that I told my mum I wanted to drink poison to kill myself and set us all free from a horrible future.

In the end I got an infection because my waters had gone and I went into labour and gave birth to my two poor little babies. They were already gone and there's nothing the neonatal doctors could have done anyway.

My husband and I are so devastated and I feel so guilty. Not only for wanting things to all be over but because my body failed those two beautiful babies. I feel like such an awful person, I feel like I could cry all day and night. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. I never gave up hope until my waters broke, we did everything we could to save them from the condition they had. But it wasn't enough. I just don't know where to go from here and I just hate myself.

[tribpot]

What a devastating loss. I'm so sorry.

Are you being supported by the hospital in terms of grief counselling and support? I think all of your feelings were entirely understandable, you were in a terrible situation.

Please keep posting, you aren't alone here.

[YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx]

I'm very sorry to hear this

[gincamelbak]

I am so, so sorry for you loss.

have you contact details for SANDS? They are a fantastic organisation who help support families who have been through stillbirth and neonatal death.

And don't feel like you are an awful person, you aren't, not one bit.

[blueistheonlycolourwefeel]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Little fingers is a charity that was set up by a lady who lost her baby son at about 25 weeks.

You did not fail your babies my love. You had the intervention suggested by the doctors.

I hope someone more knowledgable comes along soon.

directory of people who may be able to help you more

[Seriouslyffs]

You did everything you could.
I hope you're feeling loved and supported. You deserve to be looked after and heal.

[phoenixrose314]

Please be kind to yourself

You had a mother's instinct that not all would be well with them, you knew the outlook wasn't good and you wanted them to be free of pain. And now they are. You didn't wish them dead, you wanted a life for them that they could never have had... It is hard to see it now, but this experience will change you as a person, in a good way, and you will be a stronger, gentler, more loving person for having known these two beautiful babies who were born sleeping.

You need time to grieve, and somebody to help you through it. Please seek counselling. There are also lots of charities who help mothers who go through the loss of a child/children, perhaps your OH could look them up for you.

Don't put pressure on yourself to be "fine"... grieve. Cry. But keep talking.

And we're all here for you in the meantime.

[Preminstreltension]

OP I'm so sorry. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You are dealing with a huge loss. If you stood outside and watched yourself you would be overwhelmed with sorrow for this bereaved woman that you see and you would care for her. You wouldn't berate her and tell her she was to blame.

Please be gentle on yourself. Nothing can be harder than this and you need to treat yourself kindly.

[MajesticWhine]

This was a terrible situation you had to face, and you did the very best you could for your babies. You have no need to feel guilty. You would probably benefit from some professional help to process what happened. Have you been offered any kind of bereavement counselling - if not, please ask your consultant.

[MagpieCursedTea]

I'm so very sorry for your loss
You did everything you could and none of what happened was your fault. I hope you and your family are getting all the support you need.

[Angie611]

Thank you all for such kind words. Yes the hospital has a bereavement midwife and there is a SANDS support group that meets once a month.

I'm grateful for you saying I'm not a bad person. My DH says he was so impressed by my bravery throughout those horrible 48 hours, he doesn't blame me, he's proud of me. I kept asking him what there was to be proud of. I suppose in time I will forgive myself.

This was my first pregnancy and we were so excited. We even bought a large family saloon car for our twins and talked about camping holidays and days out at the beach. I even had their outfits planned for an upcoming wedding next year. We had decorated our entire house, the only room left to do was the nursery. I think somewhere deep inside I knew things wouldn't work out. Everybody told me to be positive etc, so perhaps I didn't think positive enough. I don't know, it's just a horrible horrible place I'm in right now. I see people with their babies and think I'll never hold mine...it's just so unfair.

One day we may try again but who knows?

It helps writing all this down though.

[KittyandTeal]

I'm so sorry you have lost your beautiful twins. Loosing a baby is heartbreaking. I lost our dd2 at 22 weeks to Edwards syndrome.

I understand the guilt. I had a tfmr, Edwards is incompatible with life, but we still made the choice to end our babies life early to ensure she didn't suffer.

I would say don't feel guilty but tbh guilt is a totally normal feeling. In my view you have nothing to feel guilty about, deciding not to intervene at 23 weeks and not have your babies live with brain damage (if they has survived at all) is a kind choice. Unfortunately it doesn't mean you won't feel guilt.

Someone told me in the days between making our decision and having the termination 'we carry this pain for life so our babies never have to feel any'. It might sound cheesy but it still really helps me.

Sands are a wonderful charity who provide some fantastic support. Have the hospital given you any information on a service or blessing? Have you decided to name them?

I'm 4 months on, I'll be honest it's been hellish but I am beginning to feel better, like I can cope with life without being totally overwhelmed.

[QOD]

So sorry for your loss

[Itscurtainsforyou]

OP - I'm so sorry. I had a similar experience nearly two years ago. We were in the middle of building an extension to our house to make it big enough for two extra people when I lost our twins.

It's completely normal to feel guilty. I did. But please believe me when I say there's nothing you could have done. Sometimes shitty things happen and all the intervention in the world wouldn't have changed it.

What did you call your children? We found some comfort in having a funeral and something to mark their existence.

Please use SANDS and your bereavement midwife for support, it made a real difference to us to know that we weren't alone.

[Angie611]

Kittyandteal, we are having a funeral this week. It'll just be me, DH and both sets of our parents. I've chosen a really lovely song called Borrowed Angels. I named my twins Elizabeth and Charlotte.

I am sorry for your loss, it must have been very hard for you too making such a difficult decision. That saying is very apt though, I'll remember that. I would have had my heart broken every single day if they had had brain damage. My only comfort is knowing that while they were alive they were in a warm happy place, which is where we all want to be.

[Reflectandlive]

Hi OP, I had a mmc half way through my pregnancy due to foetal abnormality, so I understand something of what you are going through. Like you I did not want my child to have a hard life. I also wasn't confident me and dh would cope. It probably is hard for people who have not being in the position to understand that one can very much love one's child and still make such a choice. But it remains true that we loved our child very much. I do have to live with the grief and pain and the guilt. But it does get easier.
The thoughts you had do not mean you didn't love your children. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. Don't torture yourself with thoughts that you didn't think positively enough. Those thoughts are not true, they are thoughts you have because you feel so bad right now. You have been through something terrible. I hope you have good people in your life to help you through this. Take care OP.

[GratefulHead]

Oh bless you, I am so sorry to read your post. Please please don't give yourself a hard time about what you thoug or didn't think. You were grieving and you wanted your beautiful babies to have an easy and pain free time as possible. Your body didn't faik your babies, twin to twin transfusion is devastating, it can't be predicted, it just happens. All they can do when it is detected is try laser surgery where possible to try and halt it.

Please be kind to yourself, you did nothing wrong. I hope the funeral goes as well as it can for you.

[tribpot]

Please don't ever think you caused this by not thinking positive. When people say that, it means don't upset yourself (any more than you have to) by thinking about bad outcomes. It's what's best for you. It can't change the outcome, it makes the waiting a little easier.

Charlotte and Elizabeth are beautiful names.

[whohasnickedmyvodka]

Sending you huge hugs Elizabeth and Charlotte are playing with my wonderful daughter eve who I lost in October at 18+3 I'm currently pregnant again my inbox is always open if you want to talk try and be kind to yourself I know it's hard the mums on here where amazing look after yourself xxx

[niminypiminy]

OP I am so sorry for your loss, you have lived through agonies and you did the best for your babies that you could do in the terribly hard situation you were in. I'll be thinking of you in the coming days.

[Ducky23]

So sorry for your loss angie x

Were you able to spend time with your lovely twins?

It may not seem like it now, but you will become better at coping. I lost my first baby at 32 weeks last year, absoloultely heartbreaking.

There is a support thread on here, really sorry I cannot link as I'm on my phone. It's on the conception topic (angels & rainbows). If you wanted any support/advice from people who have been through a similar thing the ladies are incredible on there.

X

[Doobydoo]

This may not help you now but will one day. Your feelings are completely normal. You will go through a rollercoaster of emotions and it will take as long as it takes. Each person is different. Please go with the flow. There is no right or wrong way to feel. But know this 'you have nothing to feel guilty for' and you will get through this.

[Only1scoop]

So very sorry Angie

[PickledOnionSoup]

Goodnight to Charlotte and Elizabeth

So sorry for your loss xx

[Angie611]

Thank you all again for your lovely words. These horrible things happen to all sorts of people for all different reasons. It's amazing the strength we can muster when we have to. I'll be speaking to the bereavement midwife as soon as I can and going to the support group. Just feel incredibly fragile. I hope one day I can help someone else with their grief.