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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My brother died

19 replies

MistressDeeCee · 10/05/2015 19:24

My brother died on 24th April. He had been unwell for a while but wasn't expected to pass away at all. He was 54. A divorcee, he lived alone and was found dead in his home on 26th April..he'd been dead for 2 days. The thought that he died alone is torturing me..but I can't say it to anybody because I know we're all thinking the same thing and once you say something aloud it becomes "true", doesn't it. Its the "did he feel pain, did he know he was dying? why did it have to happen that way?" thats making my head hurt. Also that the autopsy is inconclusive. He is being cremated on Friday. My darling big brother has gone, the tough guy who looked out for us all. I just wanted to get it out of my brain I suppose. I feel as if I can't be myself.. 1st day back at work yesterday I felt completely detached from everybody although I hid it well, I think. No-one at work knows, I didn't fancy telling anyone. Thats it, really.

OP posts:

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BigSpottyCupofTea · 10/05/2015 19:31

I'm so sorry to hear your news. My big brother died last April and it's been really hard. I've tried to take some comfort from the fact I knew someone so amazing at all. Take care of yourself and take time to let the reality of it seep in. I took a day off and I should've taken more, it's a huge shock.

tribpot · 10/05/2015 19:32

How awful for you. A sudden death is always dreadful but when there are unknowns even worse.

Could you maybe tell your boss to alert those you work with, so they know but you don't have to tell them? I fear otherwise you may hold it together for a while and then completely lose it at work.

I don't know how the autopsy thing works at all - assuming this was requested by the police because his cause of death was not clear, this leaflet suggests you can discuss the findings with your GP, perhaps to see if you can ascertain whether he was in pain.

Have you been offered any bereavement counselling? I know you're in shock right now but in the future this may be helpful.

What a tragic loss, you have all my sympathy.

Drinkstoomuchcoffee · 10/05/2015 19:34

I am so sorry for your loss. Don't bottle it up. Don't try to hide it from your colleagues at work. You will need their support. The sudden loss of a sibling can be much more difficult to cope with than that of an older parent or grandparent.

DoItTooJulia · 10/05/2015 19:50

so sorry Mistress

It's a terrible shock. What RL support do you have? Do you think telling your colleagues might help?

Thinking of you.x

DurhamDurham · 10/05/2015 19:56

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, it's so sad. Nothing I can say will ease your pain but it will hopefully be easier to remember the good times and what your brother was like as a person.
He lived alone so there isn't anything anyone could have done to prevent him from dying alone, you could not possibly have known.

It's not quite the same but my brother is an alcoholic and I seem to have a permanent dread that I will find out he has died. He used to live alone and if I hadn't heard form him for a few days I became convince he had died in his flat. I used to drive to his house if he didn't reply to a text or call and he would be in the pub, he used to laugh that I had been so worried, he couldn't understand why I was close to tears with worry.

I realised I couldn't live my life like that and I send him a text every now and then, he doesn't always reply but I try not to think the worst. He has recently loved in with a woman he met in the pub so now I figure if anything happens to him I'll find out.

I hope you manage to make peace with your brothers death, the fact that it has affected you like this shows what a caring lovely sister you have been.

Take care

mummylin2495 · 10/05/2015 20:01

So very sorry for your loss, I too lost a sibling and know how devastating it is. Just take one day at a time.

Hassled · 10/05/2015 20:01

I'm so sorry - this must be unbearable for you. And to have an inconclusive autopsy, to not have an answer as to how/why - that's awful. You should think about some bereavement counselling when you're ready for it. Talking does help.

derxa · 10/05/2015 20:27

Sorry for your loss.

MistressDeeCee · 11/05/2015 00:20

You are all so lovely. Thank you.I can't seem to find the words to tell anyone at work...but the funeral is on Friday, I am due to work on Saturday so I will just have to find the words. I don't feel I will make it into work. Im afraid of bereavement counselling - again, putting things into words makes it seem so real and final. But I will bite the bullet and go for counselling. I do feel I need it. I feel angry..in an "its not fair" kind of way and its clouding my mind 24/7.

All of you..your words mean more to me than you know

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LuckyBitches · 11/05/2015 10:04

I also lost a brother, just over a year ago. Sometimes it hurts so much. You just have to take each moment (never mind each day!) as it comes, and let whatever happens, happen. You don't need to go for counselling until you're ready, be easy on yourself.

XXXXXXX

PS Everyone will tell you this, but it does get easier.

SlippinJimmy · 11/05/2015 10:50

Hello, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. My mum died on her own and had been alone for nearly a week so I know how you feel. The post mortem was also inconclusive but we've just kind of assumed it was something called sudden adult death syndrome as we can't think what else it could be that they couldn't find.
If you feel you need to talk about your brother then do, please don't hold it in. I think it helps make your thoughts clearer to talk about the things worrying you.
I felt awfully guilty that my mum had died alone and I wasn't there with her but I've come to accept that it must have been quick, and even if I'd been stopping over that night she still would have died alone in her room.

I do think you should tell someone you can trust at work, let them discreetly tell anyone else that might need to know. You don't need to bring a lot of attention to it if that's what you're worried about but it will help you and your colleagues to know.
Also it's normal to feel detached, it must be a coping mechanism. It will get easier to cope with every day life, you just have to give yourself that time to grieve and get used to new dynamics. Be kind to yourself and come and chat on here if you need to x

MistressDeeCee · 12/05/2015 12:38

Thank you Lucky & Slippin. My brain is like absolute mush at the moment I can't remember what Im meant to be doing day to day..so I look forward to a time when it becomes easier. @Lucky I don't think I'll be ready for counselling just yet so yes, not until Im ready.

Slippin the "died alone" thing and how its like a drip drip into your mind..you've been through it too.. Im going to take a deep breath and tell just 1 person today, they can filter it down to whoever else needs to know, and I'll leave it at that.

Thank you all, Im glad I put a thread up on here, its been some comfort. Ive also had a couple of private messages, too. So touched that people took time out to do that.

Im sitting here thinking, Mumsnet has its own special brand of uniqueness...

OP posts:

DoItTooJulia · 15/05/2015 08:29

Thinking about you today x

RudyMentary · 15/05/2015 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoItTooJulia · 16/05/2015 08:22

Thinking about you today. Can you manage work? Have you told anyone?

How was the funeral? You were in my mind all day yesterday and will be today.

Take care.

DurhamDurham · 16/05/2015 09:13

Thinking of you and hope you are doing ok, you sound very brave. I think you are right to tell one person at work who can then cascade the information to anyone who needs to know.

Take care

fiveacres · 16/05/2015 09:17

I'm so sorry. Please try not to upset yourself with how he died. You may never know for sure but j think there's a very good chance he just quietly slipped into a sleep he never awoke from.

My heart goes out to you and those who lived your brother xx

HerBigChance · 16/05/2015 09:26

Mistress I'm so sorry this has happened. I lost my brother too a few years ago now. The pain is hideous but it does get better.

If you can let someone know at work, it might be more helpful than you realise. Bereavement counselling you can do whenever you're ready; I've on,y just started mine, I didn't feel ready at the time.

derxa · 17/05/2015 13:49

Mistress My brother died almost exactly 21 years ago and I still feel the pain. Try not to torture yourself about not being there. Sending you all the best wishes I can.

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