Complex/ delayed grief?

[Loveisashadow]

I am posting here for support. I am 27, one DD who is 7. In September, 2014, dd's Dad (my ex of 5 years) was in a house fire.The inquest said it was caused by a lit cigarette- an accident. He died after a week in hospital. He was a drinker and a lot older than me - 64. When we had dd, he was 58 and I was 20. I was very troubled when I was younger, but overcame it and gained my degree, did well and am going on to a PhD this year.
At the time he died, I was in the early stages of recovering from depression, ptsd and my Grandfather dying. I was also hearing and seeing things; thankfully that is under control with medication. Dd's Dad had a rocky relationship with her, because of his drinking, just before he died we'd been to court and set up supervised contact for him to see her.

I'm still very depressed. I can't stop blaming myself for his death (we argued before he died) and running all of the memories through my mind. I was very young and he was quite domineering at times, insulting me and ignoring my pleas not to spend our shared finances on drink, getting drunk on a daily basis. When dd was born, a friend had to buy the formula milk as we couldn't afford it because he was drunk. It was truly a horrible time in my life, but I have a beautiful dd, now 7. I'm having a lot of flashbacks and feelings coming back to me (unworthiness/ lack of confidence/ not even wanting to go out). I did love him, in a strange way, but am finding it hard to grieve as it was a horrible relationship. I was with him for 5 years in total, since I was 18. I've had one other relationship since. That ended because of my confidence crisis. I'm feeling very responsible, vunerable and alone with dd.

I'm sorry it's so long. I didn't really process the grief at the time (long story involving a friend wanting the ashes and me trying to do my best for dd). I feel terrible- like I've done wrong as a Mother and person, and now he's gone, I'm left to answer it all.

Please help. I don't know how I'm supposed to begin with this or how it all works.

[Loveisashadow]

Thank you for the reply.
I have a CpN (mental health nurse) and my GP is OK.
I'm on medication too.

I just don't know what to do with it all really.