Feeling angry again.. Is this normal?

[Firstpregnancy2014]

Basically on July 7th my grandma suddenly died after banging her head
24 hours later my mum commited suicide
My grandma was my dads mum- not my mums and I don't believe Her suicide was anything to do with my grandma
I'm 21 and was 20 weeks pregnant at the time. I've felt every emotion possible. I miss her more than anything
Christmas has been hard without her, everything is hard without her.

But now.. I sit and look at my 4 week old baby and feel anger towards her
I could never hurt him, I'd never want to leave him or not be there for him. The love I feel for him is unbelievable.

So how could she leave me ?
She knew how hard loosing grandma hit me, she knew I don't have anyone else to help me, she knew how much I wanted her support me with the baby, she knew it was my graduation the day after she killed herself
I feel so selfish thinking it but I feel resent towards her at the moment
I resent people talking about how proud she'd be of me
If she was proud of me why did she leave me ?
I need her so much
She knew that
I feel awful feeling this way:(

[mrsfuzzy]

i feel so sorry for you i really do. when my beloved gramps died i felt that my heart had been ripped, he'd been poorly so it was to be expected but the resulting pain was indescribing. who knows what goes through someone's heads before they commit such an act. but you must never blame youself, it's not your fault, you have to go through the whole bereavement thing, and that does include shock, anger, blame, guilt, loss and eventually acceptance. you are young and have a baby on the way, it is made worse as a special time has been taken over by this double whammy. would it be possible to confide in a family member or friend ? counselling may help too, best wishes to you, it's still early days, please don't be too hard on yourself.