feeling so alone

(217 Posts)
jenmac22 Tue 02-Dec-14 09:26:13

my beautiful eldest son went to a dance on the 21st December 2012, he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, waved his keys and left. He never returned. His body was found on the 23rd December, somehow and for no reason he had become separated from his friends, and he must have just become disorientated, he had been drinking, he drowned. Christmas Eve was spent in the mortuary. I am just so alone and it feels like everyone has moved on. I miss him so much, I have 2 other sons, I love them so very much, I'm always so scared that something awful will happen to them. We were such a happy, close and loving family. Christmas was always exciting, and fun. I hate this new life.

Sleepingbunnies Tue 02-Dec-14 09:27:52

I have nothing to say apart from be gentle on yourself. You have lived every parents worst nightmare flowers

I cannot imagine the pain you are going through x

jenmac22 Tue 02-Dec-14 09:46:13

thank you xx

jenmac22 Tue 02-Dec-14 09:47:32

He was just 21, we had celebrated his 21st on the 23rd August 2012. He was full of life and full of fun, I can't believe he is not here x

LilyTheSavage Wed 03-Dec-14 14:11:13

Hi jenmac. I've found you!
It's just so fucking wrong that we don't have our darling boys. I have become such a great actress (Oscar winning in fact) that I can fool most people into thinking that I'm ok and am moving forward.

How on earth do people think that we can move on without our darling boys? They need their heads seeing to.

This new life is our worst nightmares and you and I are living it. It's so hard to believe that he's not here. I think of you very often. I think of our boys.

Sending you love and strength. thanks

aprilanne Wed 03-Dec-14 14:18:35

ladies i can not imagine your pain .i lost my mum last year i realise this is not the same but i am sending my love and prayers to you both x

jenmac22 Wed 03-Dec-14 14:25:58

Thank you both for replying.

I can't even describe what I'm feeling, all of the time, its worse than pain. I too mask it Lily, for my other 2 boys. I ache for Dave, I just want the nightmare to end, but it never does, and the awful realisation is it never will. I'm very grateful to have found you x

Aprilanne, I lost my dad in 2012 too, it is a hard loss to bear, thank you for your thoughts. I hope you are doing okay.x

LilyTheSavage Wed 03-Dec-14 17:39:25

Oscars all round then jenmac. The ache is indescribable isn't it. The nightmare won't end. How could it? It's hard to allow yourself to balance missing Dave/Paddy and not letting our other boys think that they are less important than the one who's gone. The loss is a dark omnipresent shadow.

jenmac22 Wed 03-Dec-14 23:11:37

It certainly is Lily. I feel a bit selfish saying this, but I feel deserted by long time friends since this nightmare began, I feel like people don't want to 'get into' any more depressing talk, no one mentions David to me, its hellish. Friends jolly me along....

LilyTheSavage Thu 04-Dec-14 10:32:37

So true. A couple of friends have really shown their true colours and have been fantastic, but my best friend has surprised me. At first she was great, but I feel distanced from her. Very sad. My DH's parents have been completely rubbish.

I love to talk about Paddy and I really love people talking about him to me. It makes me cry but it makes me happier.

jenmac22 Fri 05-Dec-14 11:49:54

I listened to his songs last night, Dave was in a band, just to hear his voice, it made me sob, but it was so lovely to hear him again

LilyTheSavage Fri 05-Dec-14 19:14:01

How wonderful. I wish I could hear his voice. wine is the order of the day.

nooddsocksforme Fri 05-Dec-14 21:24:38

I have 2 boys. Things have been difficult this year but I cannot imagine the pain of losing one of them. There is nothing more I can say except that it is so unfair for any parent to have to face this xxx

babbinocaro Tue 09-Dec-14 23:56:47

I remember a local newspaper story along these lines -East Anglia. Any mother reading it was so very sad for you and I am sure many of us still are. Noone with a heart would expect you to get over this...he was and still is lucky to be so loved. Take care.

charlottek1994 Wed 10-Dec-14 00:47:55

I don't know what it's like to lose a child but I recently lost my mum i was her carer the last word's she ever spoke was my name she called out for me and by the time I ran into her room she was already gone her eyes were open but there was nobody behind them I rang the ambulance and tried cpr but nothing worked seeing her take her last breath was the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I cant seem to block it out.. She was only 50 and her youngest is only 6 I look after him full time now.. Without him I don't know how I'd get through this

jenmac22 Wed 10-Dec-14 11:19:12

Thank you all for your comments.
We are in Scotland babbinocaro.
It is the hardest thing to get up each morning and face another day without my beautiful son, I do it for my other 2 boys, they have lost their big brother, and best friend and every day I just can't believe its happened to us. It's like a huge cloud which never lifts, and I just dread the future without him.
I just want Christmas to be done.
Charlottek1994, I am so very sorry for the loss of your mum, such a loss is so very hard to bear, she was so young, I wish you some space to breathe and a little more peace every day xx

throckenholt Wed 10-Dec-14 11:26:55

Do you talk to your other boys about their brother and how you are feeling ? It may well be that they feel something similar but don't say anything to you because they don't want to upset you.

Sometimes it just helps to let it all out. There is no right answer, it just takes time to get used to the new normal. It is not the normal you expected, but it is the one you have to live with. It will ease over time, but it never going to be something you are happy about. I think it is the unfairness that is the hardest to deal with, and accept that it is nothing to do with fairness, it is just what happened.

Just deal with what you can cope with, when you can cope with it.

jenmac22 Wed 10-Dec-14 11:39:11

Hi throckenholt, thank you

I think you're right, we are all trying to survive this huge loss and in order to protect ourselves and each other we don't get into the huge emotional discussion, we talk about Dave, how could we not, but we are all so vulnerable, its just too hard. My middle son has picked me up from the floor before when I have broken down, and his look of utter devastation will never leave me, I need to protect them from that. My boys were so close, they fought hard, played hard and loved each other with all they had. Their loss is etched on their faces every time I look at them, and it is heartbreaking to me and their dad, I sometimes wonder if we will ever get back together.
Coping and breathing . xx

throckenholt Wed 10-Dec-14 11:48:56

I don't think you can protect them from that. The worst has happened and you are all grieving. Bottling it up and pretending you are all ok isn't always the best way through. Sometimes it does everyone good to let the emotions out. Not all the time, but definitely sometimes. But it helps you all to realise that it is ok to feel overwhelmed sometimes. And also it is ok to feel alright sometimes too. Life has to go on for the rest of you.

I once sat on the pavement in Athens while on holiday bawling my eyes out because my dad had died 9 months earlier. It was awful, but strangely cathartic and really helped.

jenmac22 Wed 10-Dec-14 12:51:34

You are so right, we don't bottle it up, and there is no way we can pretend we're okay. We are doing it the only way we can do it, just to survive.
The boys are able to have a laugh and get on most of the time, they have good friends.
Crying does help with the emotions, I am testimony to that, I cry each and every day, but equally putting a mask on is the only way to get through this nightmare sometimes, and I am very good at that.
I need to protect my other boys as much as I can, they have faced so much heartache, and they need me to be their mum too, and to know that I love them as much as I love Dave.

LilyTheSavage Wed 10-Dec-14 17:23:43

jenmac - I think you've hit the nail right on the head with that last post. It says it all really about why we have to carry on.

How could I let my other 2 DS think that I don't love them enough or that they're not important enough for me to stay.

ducksonabrook Thu 11-Dec-14 16:48:42

I am heartbroken for you just reading that.

So terribly sorry flowers

charlie0123 Thu 11-Dec-14 17:02:18

I have no words to give you except to say I am so so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself, flowers

jenmac22 Fri 12-Dec-14 10:16:49

I feel so down, the build up to that date is crushing me. Im unable to breathe, I can't find the mask, I can't talk without crying, I just want him back. I don't think I can do it, but I have to. I miss my beautiful boy.

Hoggle246 Fri 12-Dec-14 10:31:05

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are experiencing the worst pain imaginable. Except it's not even imaginable. For what it's worth, I am sending you many best wishes to you and your family for the coming weeks.

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