DH recently lost his mum unexpectedly.. how can I help?

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

She had a brain haemorrhage and was in a semi coma on High Dependency for a few days, during which time she said a few things to us all and we were convinced she would live. Then she had a second bleed and we were told there was no hope and she would die within 2 hours. She actually hung on for 4 more miserable days with no intervention and no hope, and they moved her into a ward where you go to die.. and DH, his two sisters, brother and dad sat by her bed and watched her body gradually give up - and the horrid symptoms associated with that. (We live 250 miles away and by that time I had taken the children home so DH and family could support each other during this time without high maintenance children in the way!.)

When he first came home I felt I was really supporting him and helping. We had to plan the funeral with rest of the family and DH and I went back up for that; but when we got back, it all hit DH hard, that he would never see his mum again; she would never be at the end of the phone ever again and would no longer be the centre of the family. She was a very traditional mum fugure, always in the kithcen cooking, and DH, who also liked to cook (and is unable to work because of chronic pain and disability) would often ring her to discuss something he was cooking or baking. There have been a couple of times when he said he has gone to do that.. and then it's hit him again like a ton of bricks.

Now he seems really depressed. He went to the GP for a chest infection last week as he was really physically run down as well and GP ended up giving him some info about bereavement but I don't think it's helped. Not sure he's read it. He can't sleep; only picks at (generally unhealthy) food although he is still cooking meals for the rest of us - just doesn't eat them himself. He isn't much interested in anything and says he feels like nothing really matters that much although he does have more 'up' phases. But they don't last.

I know it's early days yet but I wish I knew how to help. He isn't actually distant from me as such; just generally distant. He tries to talk about his feelingz if I ask, but obviously finds it hard. (He is a man after all!) Our life is generally chronically stressful (severely disabled child/big housing issue/DH is in pain most of the time) so things are hard enough as it is.. and DH doesn't seem to be able to cope with this as well. He doesn't want to go back to the doctors.. I thought maybe he should at least discuss anti depressants or at least sleeping tablets for a temporary period.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can help? I hate to see him in all the emotional pain. His mum was only 66.. we had no idea we would lose her any time soon and she was not in poor health.

[RedTartanLass]

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands - My mum died 10 years old she was just 50. The best and only thing my dp could do, was be there. To support me when I was struggling, to bear my wrath when I was angry, to hold me tight when I was aching.

Just him being there, and loving me helped me through those terrible times. I was awful to him but he stood by me and never left me or retaliated even when I was at my worse.

My thoughts are with you both.

[suejoneziscalmernow]

Why don't you ring CRUSE and ask what advice they can give you on helping your DH. They may have some strategies to helping men express their grief in a way they find acceptable - I think its a common problem that men don;t know how to grieve.

How old are your children - how about him making a scrapbook about him mum with/for the children which everything he can remember about his childhood. ALso something for them to remember her by.