Anyone lost a parent around the time of having DC?

(7 Posts)
DrKarg Thu 24-Jul-14 01:47:39

I wonder if anyone's had a similar experience to me and would like to share their story.

My DM had been in poor health for many years, but collapsed at home and was rushed to hospital a week before I gave birth to my DS (PFB, now 10 weeks). She died three weeks later. We live a long way away so I was never able to visit her, and she was never conscious enough to talk on the phone. According to my DF, she did know she'd become a GM before she died, which is a comfort.

In some ways her passing was a blessing as she'd been in pain for many years and wasn't able to live much of a life. But she was only 59 and was so excited about becoming a GM.

I'm sad I couldn't talk to her about the (difficult) birth, my struggles BFing and generally share the ups and downs of becoming a mum with someone who not only understood, but loved me unconditionally.

I'm lucky to have lots of lovely friends and am close to (though not geographically anywhere near) my DF and DBro. But I find it difficult to talk to people about my feelings at the best of times, and certainly now! My DH tries but I think our relationship is suffering the strains of becoming new parents and we're not getting on well at the moment. I feel pretty alone.

To make matters worse, my PILs have basically cut us out of their life (very long story) so I worry about my poor DS growing up with only one GP (my DF). He's a lovely little boy and it seems so unfair. It also really upsets me that my DM never got the chance to be a GM and dearly wanted to, whereas PIL could but basically can't be bothered with us.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far!

My DM was diagnosed terminally ill with cancer the year before dd was born. She was very poorly throughout my pregnancy.
My pregnancy was not straightforward and we had suffered many losses before the pregnancy. Dd was pretty much our little miracle and very wanted by the whole family.
DM came to dd's birth. I decided she might not be around for the baby growing up but wanted my child to know how much her gm loved her.
DM deteriorated very quickly after the birth. It was as if she was holding on to see her grandchild.
Dd always settled very quickly in dm's arms and DM was completely besotted with dd.
DM became bed bound when dd was 5 wks. She was admitted to hospital when dd was 8 wks.
When dd was 12wks, DM had started drifting in and out of consciousness. She held on for another month and never was able to hold dd again. sad
The day we were called to the hospital, I placed dd on her chest and we all had a cuddle.
There are so many things we never got to do or say. I've really missed her advice and support. However, having dd kept me going. I had to get up to deal with her.
I've just had dd2. Her arrival has stirred my sense of loss. I know I will miss my wonderful mum every single day.
I speak to dd1 about her gran. She knows about her and how much she loved her. It helps that dd1 is very similar in many ways to her gran. I get a look or a mannerism that takes me aback quite often!
I am sorry for your loss.

WhatSheSaid Thu 24-Jul-14 03:21:07

Yes, my mum died a week after my dc1 was born. It was very sudden, she was in perfect health so it was a huge shock and took me a long time to come to terms with. I'd say that I didn't really get over it, I just got used to it. My dad had already died so I became a parent and lost my remaining parent within a week. It was pretty horrendous and I still miss her but the grief does eventually dissipate.

I felt extremely cut off from other people. I would be at a new mum group and somebody would be wondering about which nappies were best, I would just think "This has absolutely no significance, my mum has just died".

How old is your ds now?

drspouse Thu 24-Jul-14 03:34:34

My DFIL died a few years before we had DS and my DMIL when he was 3 months. She was suffering from dementia and as we adopted him, she didn't get the visual cue of pregnancy to give her the idea of being a grandmother, but she understood, and we have a couple of lovely photos of them together. We are glad they met and he brought us joy at a very sad time. But it wasn't my mother.

DrKarg Thu 24-Jul-14 05:26:09

Thank you all for sharing your stories and I'm sorry for your losses. It helps to hear from other people who have experienced both loss and joy at the same time - it's such a complex set of feelings.

Drama - I know what you mean about having to get up and keep going for the sake of the DC. I feel like I hear my DM's voice telling me to be strong for the sake of my DS - she would have been gutted to see me feeling so sad at this time. Congratulations on your brand new DD.

What - it must have been so tough for you to have lost both parents. I'm very sorry. Although my Dad is pretty old school (and not given to talking about feelings or "women's things") I'm very lucky to have him still. I've actually felt strangely proud of him, seeing how he's trying to fill my DM's role as well.

I think I know what you mean about feeling cut off - it's not something anyone I know has dealt with, and it's not really something I'm comfortable bringing up with my new mothers' group friends!

My DS is 11 weeks (so my DM died 8.5 weeks ago - sorry if it was confusing).

drspouse - thank you for sharing your story. It must have been very tough dealing with your DMIL's dementia and I'm glad your DS brought some joy to all of you. How old is your DS now? Does he understand who your MIL was?

LittlePink Sat 26-Jul-14 17:47:47

My Dad was going through chemo for stomach cancer when I was pregnant with DD just over 2 years ago. He was in remission for a year but then it came back and we lost him in April this year. I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant just after he passed away. We never got to tell him I was having another and this makes me very sad. The thought that he wont get to see or hold the new baby and it reminds me of the pictures we took of him when he was so poorly going through chemo smiling for the camera whilst holding his tiny newborn granddaughter 2 yrs ago. I know hes still around and he will know all about this new one but its still very painful to think our new baby will never meet such a wonderful and amazing man. We will tell him or her all about him and show pictures but its not the same. I know what you must be going through. Its very hard x x

Hemlock2013 Sat 26-Jul-14 17:55:09

These stories of yours have really touched me. I lost someone a year before I fell pregnant with my dd so not as traumatic as your stories at all. I still can't get over having done so much living over these short years though. Living as in, loss and new life.

I have cried even today and dd is 2... Because it still feels so over whelming.

You all seem so strong in comparison!

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