Anniversary of stillbirth - slightly complicated situation

(13 Posts)
Tory79 Sun 29-Jun-14 17:12:26

Hi
Apologies in advance if any of this is worded wrongly or clumsily.

My nephew was stillborn last July at 25 weeks. I want to send a card for the anniversary but I have no idea if this is the 'done thing' I have already chosen a card, it's just a simple beautiful view one with no message other than a short one I will write, along the lines of he's always in our hearts.

The added complication is that they were lucky enough to fall pregnant again fairly quickly, and their next child is also due in July. I feel muddled about whether I should be sending a card for my nephew at the same time as they'll be welcoming their new baby. They live abroad so it's something that needs to be done more in advance as well.

Any words of advice greatly appreciated.

Thumbwitch Sun 29-Jun-14 17:16:13

I think it's very thoughtful of you to remember to send a card for their first baby's birthday, which is what you are doing really. The parents will be pleased that someone other than themselves has remembered and cared enough to mark it.

I think you should send a card for the new baby in a completely separate envelope and wait until the new baby is born - it would be very odd to send the congratulations card before the baby turns up, especially as things could go wrong (as they have already experienced).

So - send the first card so it arrives on or just before the birthday of their first baby; and send the second one after you hear of the new baby's arrival.

Tory79 Sun 29-Jun-14 19:06:01

Thanks thumbwitch, sorry, I meant the anniversary card would have to be sent more in advance, and then it might arrive at the same time as the baby and I wasn't sure about that, although I'm sure I'm overthinking this!

I know of course they'll be thinking about my first nephew as well, I just can't comprehend how they'll be feeling emotionally about the arrival of their other child at the same time as remembering the loss of their first.

Also, I was just thinking in terms of what I write in the card, should it just be my brother and sils names? Just my nephews name? All 3 of their names?

Tory79 Sun 29-Jun-14 19:06:39

Oh and should I mark on the envelope that it is for x date?

Tory79 Sun 29-Jun-14 19:07:01

So they'll kind of know what it is before they open it?

CaptainSinker Sun 29-Jun-14 19:09:21

My friends dd was stillborn a few years ago. I always send a card on her birthday. Just a few words or thoughts about her. My friend says she likes this and also that I use her name as they don't want her name left unspoken.

Clobbered Sun 29-Jun-14 19:09:41

I think it would be quite a good idea to mark the envelope for x date - they will probably guess the contents. Obviously you can't send a congratulations card until the new baby is born, and if it so happens that the new one is born soon and you end up sending the two cards together, as long as they are in separate envelopes, I don't think it will matter. I'd include the first baby's name in the anniversary card, but just the parents on the new baby card.

Pancakeflipper Sun 29-Jun-14 19:13:12

Do send a card.

I send a card for the anniversary to our friends daughter. As hard as it is for them, they tell us they are grateful someone else remembers and takes time to let them know.

Biscuitsneeded Sun 29-Jun-14 21:30:18

Do send the card, and yes, do specify the date on the envelope so they know what it is. Then write Dear X and Y, thinking of you and remembering Z. Or your version of this, but include nephew's name - he was a person and they will want you to use his name. It's nice of you to think of this. I send a similar card to a friend each year (she's actually not a very close friend but I make a point of remembering her daughter and sending a card because I was around when her DD was stillborn) and I always get an email back saying how touched she is and also how even her family seem to have forgotten. So remembering, even when they have subsequent, living children, will be appreciated.

Thumbwitch Sun 29-Jun-14 23:49:39

Oh definitely use your nephew's name in the card, yes! I like the idea of writing the card to your relatives, but then saying "remembering [nephew] on his first birthday" or similar.

And good idea to mark the date on the card so they have a good idea of what it's for.

stephtheo2014 Sat 19-Jul-14 00:49:23

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chottie Sun 20-Jul-14 14:27:46

Do send a card, use your nephew's name too. It shows that your DN is remembered by you his aunt.

Itsfab Wed 30-Jul-14 20:51:14

Sending a card to remember the lost child is a lovely thought. A new baby coming doesn't replace the one they lost.

I had a situation where I had sympathy and new baby cards on the mantelpiece and it was a very strange situation.

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