My little angel

(39 Posts)
TheBabyFacedAssassin Fri 30-May-14 06:29:47

Some of you may know parts of my story already. She is my first baby. At my 20 week scan we were told that our baby girl had a condition that was incompatible with life. This was not officially confirmed until I was 24 weeks pregnant. Living in Northern Ireland we had no option but to continue with the pregnancy knowing that our daughter, if she was born alive, would not survive for very long. We also knew that due to her condition, her heart could potentially stop at any time.
Over the last few weeks I developed polyhydramnios, a build up of amniotic fluid caused by my daughter no longer being able to swallow. I blew up like a balloon! I really was massive! Then on Monday morning (I was 34 weeks pregnant) I woke up and felt a warm feeling, to be honest I thought I had peed myself! I went to the toilet but the water did not stop. I was pretty sure then that my waters had gone. I woke my husband and we headed over to the admissions unit at my hospital. They confirmed that my waters had gone but also that there was no heartbeat.
We were sent home to get a good breakfast and get prepared and then headed back to the hospital to be induced. This started at 12noon and by 8.53pm my daughter had been born. She weighed only 3 pounds. She had a head full of thick jet black hair. We spent the might with her and then they took her away on Tuesday and I was discharged from hospital.
The funeral was yesterday. It was beautiful. As we buried her I could hear birds chirping and singing in the trees.
My heart is shattered into a million pieces but I do feel relieved that this ordeal is finally over and now we can grieve properly.

KatieKaye Fri 30-May-14 06:35:34

Heartfelt wishes to you and your family and hoping your journey towards peace goes well.

AuditAngel Fri 30-May-14 06:36:26

My heart goes out to you both.

Remember that there was a reason why you were blessed with this baby, sometimes it us really hard to understand the plan that God has for us.

I had a MMC in 2006, my baby also had a condition that was incompatible with life.

thoughtsbecomethings Fri 30-May-14 06:36:45

My heart goes out to you x

Ledkr Fri 30-May-14 06:41:34

How sad and unfair.
I hope you can eventually find happiness again.
My brother was stillborn over thirty years ago, I was only 13 but I have never forgotten him and think of him often.
What did you name her?

DesertRose1958 Fri 30-May-14 06:52:00

I have no words except to say Im very sorry for your loss.

I am so very sorry for your loss and what you were forced to endure. I hope that you can find some sort of peace now xx

Spacefrog35 Fri 30-May-14 09:58:27

I'm so sorry for your loss. You write beautifully about your daughter.

If you have not already found them then can I recommend the Sands forums https://www.forum.sandsforum.org/forum.php, you do have to wait a couple of days for your registration to be approved but it has saved my sanity more than once being able to talk to other parents who understand exactly what it feels like. There are also some wonderful Mums on here who have been through what you are going through & who will hold your hand.

It's 7 months since my son died and whilst I don't think the sadness will ever go away it is something I find much easier to live with now than I did in the early days. The searing pain has faded, I can hide my shattered heart and laugh again now. Lean on those who offer you support. You will be surprised at who holds your head above the water in the next few months but there will be people there who will.

The most important piece of advice that I was given was to remember that this was not something I made happen, but something that happened to me. It took a long time for me to understand this but when the guilt washed over I finally did see that it wasn't my fault, just as it is not yours.

Please carry on talking to us if it helps you.

thanks

JapaneseMargaret Fri 30-May-14 10:04:24

I've read your story on other threads, Baby - I am so sorry. You have handled this amazingly. Your Little One was lucky to have you.

thanks

TheBabyFacedAssassin Fri 30-May-14 17:13:24

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

Ledkr we named her Katy.

I go through parts of the day feeling ok, calm and accepting of what has happened, then everything comes crashing down again. This really is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with.

When the time is right, I want to take my grief and turn it into something positive, I don't want the memory of Katy to be associated with sadness.

No family should ever have to endure what we have gone through over the last 14 weeks, the situation here in Northern Ireland has got to change and I will be doing my damnedest to have an impact on that happening.

BurdenedWithGloriousPurpose Fri 30-May-14 17:15:55

I'm so so sorry you have lost your daughter. I love the name Katy, just gorgeous.

thanks

BumWad Fri 30-May-14 17:25:39

I am so sorry for your loss.

I know exactly what you are going through x

Christelle2207 Fri 30-May-14 17:29:14

Im so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and you're right the situation in NI has to change.

Quangle Fri 30-May-14 17:37:42

I've followed your story OP and I'm sorry you have been forced to endure this and for the loss of your lovely girl.

SnakeyMcBadass Fri 30-May-14 17:45:43

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I'm also sorry that your grief and distress was added to by the laws in Northern Ireland. Be kind to yourself x

Kveta Fri 30-May-14 17:48:32

I'm so sorry for the loss of your darling girl, especially as it was made worse by the mad laws in NI. Katy is a beautiful name. xx

OverAndAbove Fri 30-May-14 19:08:24

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your little Katy

I can't imagine your pain but I can really admire you for wanting to help change things for others in a similar situation. Take care xx

CritterPants Fri 30-May-14 19:18:00

Baby I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious baby girl Katy. It is pain like no other. Space has given amazing advice, she was a huger support to me too.

My son died 20 hours after he was born four and a half months ago, due to sudden complications just before his due date, and what's got me through the darkness has been just taking one day at a time and holding on tight to my husband. It's a cliche but it is true. You will never forget Katy, but the searing raw agony does get gentler. The only thing that helps is time passing, and love. We are here for you. Sending you courage. You are being a wonderful mummy to your daughter by loving her and honoring her memory.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Fri 30-May-14 23:17:48

So very sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl xxx

BananaramaLlama Fri 30-May-14 23:21:59

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Love to you and to Katy. xxx

MatildaWhispers Fri 30-May-14 23:24:46

I had also read about your situation on previous threads. My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry for your loss and also for all the trauma that you have been through over recent months x

passmethewineplease Fri 30-May-14 23:28:06

So very sorry to hear about your beautiful girl, Katy is a lovely name.

Thinking of you baby thanks

sandgrown Fri 30-May-14 23:28:45

So sorry for your loss flowers

resipsa Fri 30-May-14 23:30:35

I am rendered speechless by what you have had to endure. You are brave beyond words. I am so very, very sorry.

AugustRose Fri 30-May-14 23:50:13

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Katy and that you have had to suffer so much already. Please do come and join us on the Sands Forum, it has been over 4 years since my son died and the ladies on the forum saved my sanity so many times.

Wishing you gentle days ahead as you continue this journey.

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