My mum's just died and I am completely lost

(9 Posts)
Soditall Mon 21-Apr-14 20:13:23

My Mum passed away yesterday morning.She'd been ill for a little while but this has caught me completely by surprise.

My parents have 3 children myself and my two brothers(although I only count one as my brother)I'm the youngest,my brothers are 13 and 15 years older than me.

The oldest brother did something unforgivable to myself and my husband a couple of years ago and so did his children(they're all adults not children)none of them have ever said sorry for what they've done they've just added insult to injury.My mother and father knew what they'd done and my parents didn't have anything to do with them for a while afterwards.

I'm trying to deal with my own grief,support my own 5 DC to deal with they're grief,make sure my husband is okay(my Mum and Dad always called him they're son they've always adored him)they were very close,trying to support my ill elderly father,deal with my own health problems and those of two of the children(I'm seriously ill and disabled now and have two children that are disabled)and my health has been a lot worse the past few weeks but I dare go to the Dr's as I know I'll end up back in hospital.

All the while the oldest brother has been slating me to one of my aunties(that I was very close to before)my Mum's sister in law and she has gone of on one at my husband insisting we had done nothing for my mum and dad.
We were at the hospital every day with my Mum,we looked after the house and my Dad and they're dog.We'd been doing things for my Mum and Dad since last September which was before my Mum first became ill.

Now it's time to organize the funeral and I'm not being allowed to be involved at all!My Father has dementia and my oldest so called brother plays on this.So if he tells my Dad I won't help or that I haven't been seeing my Mum and helping them both my Dad believes him because he can't remember anything!What am I supposed to do??

My other brother won't stand up to our oldest brother so I am all alone in this.

I don't want to go to my own mother's funeral because of all the bad feeling my brother and his family have caused and continue to cause.I know they will start at the funeral and I just can't handle that.

Yet I was the closest one to my Mum,she told me things she never told anyone else not even my Dad.She used to tell me I was never only her daughter but also her best friend.

Only one day in and I already feel like I can't go on.

springbabydays Tue 22-Apr-14 05:39:20

I'm so sorry about your mum thanks

Your situation sounds incredibly stressful and I have no practical experience to help you with this (except maybe see your doctor to help you with the stress of it all).

The relationship you had with your mum sounds wonderful and I think you must focus on that and take strength and comfort from it.

Look after yourself.

SecretWitch Tue 22-Apr-14 05:50:26

I'm terribly sorry. You must be heartbroken. How wonderful you and your mum were so close! Nobody can take the memories of your relationship with her away. Please surround yourself with people that love you. Let these loved one's protect you from any nastiness. I will be thinking of you during these next difficult days..xx

Thebeachismyhappyplace Tue 22-Apr-14 06:08:27

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Keep your loved ones around you and let them cherish and protect you. Be gentle and kind on yourself this is a time when grief is raw and emotions are high but no one can take away the very special bond you and your DM had. You know what you have done and what you will continue to do for your family.

Can you take a step back for a few days and let one of your brothers organise things or will you need to do this?

Who can come and support you and your family during this very tough time?

What a lovely relationship you had with your Mum.

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 22-Apr-14 06:20:45

Do you know where the funeral will be held and can you find out who is guving the address? If there is a vicar, priest, etc involved at all, try to book a time to speak to this person before the funeral. A funeral is usually public and anyone can go, and you should feel you can go to your own parent's funeral. Don't be scared off from attending.

Would it be appropriate to have a thanksgiving service for your mum, to invite wider community of extended family and friends? Sometimes there isn't time to gather everyone together and get contact details for everyone at the funeral, so these can be held afterwards.

Soditall Tue 22-Apr-14 08:43:24

Thank you for all the replys.

Thebeach that's the thing I want to help organize my mum's funeral but I'm being excluded.It make's no sense myself and my mother are Christians,I know there's certain things she'd want to be done but neither of my brother's are believers.I just need to do this one thing for her or I'm letting her down.

I have some really good friends that really loved my Mum and some of them have known her since they were 3 years old(so 35 years now),but it's so hard because they're all hurting so much as well and I'm usually the strong one and they're protective of me and I know it will break them if they see how upset I am.

Yegod yes I know where the funeral will be held,I know the vicar personally my Mum and myself are friends with him.

See that's another thing I'm worried about, I know so many people that my Mum loved and genuinely cared about that she would have wanted to be allowed to attend her funeral to pay they're respects and to be there to speak to my Father and support him and myself,husband and children.But my oldest brother knows none of these people because he didn't really know our Mum unfortunately so I don't know what to do.

RedRoses Tue 22-Apr-14 09:09:20

I am really sorry for your loss.
Anyone is allowed to attend a funeral it is not invite only so you can make sure everyone who wants to come knows about it.
Perhaps you need to talk to the vicar who you both knew about this, let him know the situation and tell him your mother's wishes.

Other than that, of course you must attend your mothers funeral. And use it as your time to say goodbye. You will have a lot of support around you.

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 22-Apr-14 18:23:36

You could of course arrange to have a gathering after the funeral and invite your mum's nearest and dearest to it to feed anyone who has travelled very far, thank those who helped her, and at least give a cup of tea and piece of cake to any who need it. Maybe your brothers would like it if you arranged that? Maybe your brother would like to take your dad home and be with him, as it ban be a bit much for a spouse with dementia. Or you could?

There are lots of things you could offer to help with which might help smooth the way. Do you have contact details for your mum's friends, extended family and helpers to inform them of her passing and the funeral, or are your brothers actually doing all that?

Please talk to the vicar and ask him what he thinks is for the best. It is only natural to want to spend time with your mum's supporters.

yegodsandlittlefishes Tue 22-Apr-14 18:27:25

At the very least, attend yourself and take a friend or two as support.

Otherwise, if I were you, I would arrange a Christian thanksgiving service in her memory with the vicar, designed for and by Christians. A celebration of her favourite hymns, shared stories and memories etc.

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