First experience of death. What do I do?

[junkfoodaddict]

My FIL died this morning. He was elderly and though it was slightly sudden, it didn't come as too big a shock as he had failing health.

At 35, this is my first experience of death (except the sudden unlawful killing of a school friend aged 15; never went to her funeral due to my 'fears' and grandfather's death was 18 years after I last saw him and doing my final exams and told not to go).

The funeral is arranged as FIL organised that prior and DH is ringing the solicitor as his mum is also elderly and not really in a fit state to deal with the practicalities.

The thing is, I have never even been to a funeral before. It will be a cremation.

Can anyone shed any light on what to expect/time-frame/what happens afterwards and also, what exactly is a 'wake' and do we need/should we have one and where?

As you may have gathered, I am completely ignorant of these things.

[AwfulMaureen]

I#m sorry for your loss. It's an odd time as well as an obviously sad one...in terms of time frame it won't be long...a week at most before you can have the cremation. When you go to a cremation it's a little like a church service and then afterwards you recieve ashes (possibly not the same day) and can scatter or keep them as you choose. A wake is usual in certain religions and cultures ...Catholics have them for instance...if your FIL was Catholic then your MIL will express her wishes regarding this....a wake is when close friends and family sit up overnight with the desceased and celebrate their life. It's from an idea of not wanting to leave them alone until they are passed into the next realm. Not all Catholics have a wake.

If FIL is being cremated I assume he is not a Catholic as Catholics don't usually have this done...but choose burial. The funeral directors and Crematorium will guide you along the way.

[NCISaddict]

for you. Sometimes people have a wake after the funeral, normally at a local pub that has a function room or a village/church hall and sometimes in their homes if space allows. We provided sandwiches/sausage rolls and cakes with tea and coffee after both my parents funerals and had one in the village hall and one in my sisters house.
Our friends and neighbours rallied round with food, after my MIL's funeral FIL had arranged a caterer to provide the food and clear up afterwards and we had it in the church hall.

It gives people a chance to chat afterwards and celebrate the person's life and to exchange anecdotes and memories in a way that may not be possible or appropriate standing outside the crematorium.

[JeanSeberg]

Sorry to hear your sad news.

I assume you know who your FIL chose as the undertaker in which case once you contact them they will take care of everything.

Depending on how many people you are expecting at the funeral, you could put on a few sandwiches back at the house/church hall/pub. It's nice for people to have somewhere to go to after the service to share stories.

Hope all goes well.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I am so sorry junkfoodaddict.

So much to think about and a lot of the time it feels like a blur or unreal.

Not everyone has sat nav or a smartphone so when telling people where the crematorium is, and if you have a gathering afterwards, we found it useful to give some clear directions.

There was another family's service just ahead of ours so out of consideration we met there no more than half an hour before ours was due to start.

If people are coming from some distance away it's a nice gesture to offer some sort of hospitality, and in spite of it being a sad occasion there is the chance to see a lot of people perhaps you haven't seen in a while.

Depending on numbers and whether somebody feels up to hosting, you could have mourners back to your house, or book a private room at a local venue, a pub or hotel.

The main thing is it's a formal goodbye to your FIL and a chance for folk to pay their respects so try not to worry about 'doing the right thing'. Some people will be taking time off work don't forget so they may express their sympathy then melt away quite quickly.

Try and be gracious to everyone (and don't be upset by any tactless remarks, there's always one).

We have had people back to our house or a friend kindly hosted for us at her house. Friends and neighbours helped out with the catering, don't go overboard but older people like something hot so along with quiches and sandwiches we did some soup. We got somebody to go ahead of us and unlock the house and put the kettle on, another person stood outside directing parking. Plenty of seating and if possible access to a garden or an outside area where guests can step out for fresh air, chat or smoke.

If you have any other questions I am sure MNers will be able to advise, take care.

[LittlePink]

We just had my dads funeral last week four days after his death which was quick. Usually it would be 10 days to 2 weeks after but they had a slot and mum wanted it done sooner rather than later, which meant that people didn't have time to make other arrangements with work and were on holiday etc so a lot of people who should have been there couldn't come. He was cremated. It was a very short service of only 10 minutes. Then onto the church which was about a 45 min service. Some people have it church then crem but mum wanted it crem then church. Then we had a wake in the church hall with a buffet and tea/coffee.

[junkfoodaddict]

Thanks for the speedy responses.

FIL was not religious and had no idea about the traditions regarding a wake!!! We're not catholic - in fact FIL was not religious hence the crematorium and no religous service (I think!). We are now considering a pub for a gathering afterwards as there are, at the very most, 30 people attending but maybe more like 20. Given his age (84), his side of the family have died, he has no contact with nieces and nephews and his buddies passed on a long time ago, so just family and close family friends.

It's the co-op that is providing the funeral arrangement and they have spokne to DH and seems to take quite a lot of the burden from our shoulders which is good.

Annoyingly, we have to wait until the end of next week for his funeral. The hospital hadn't signed the papers certifying his death (as of Monday evening) and will do them tomorrow lunchtime so we can't even register his death yet.