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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

To everyone who has lost a parent

75 replies

MamaG · 19/08/2006 20:57

I've read a few messages on here where people have lost a parent. I lost my Dad almost 4 years ago and just wanted to say that, believe it or not, it does get easier.

We found out Dad had cancer in August 2002, just after DD's 3rd birthday. He was hospitalised and did not come out - they had found it far too late and within 3 weeks he had died, after a brave, intense battle. It was an awful awful time, the worst time of my life. My (then) DP and I rushed to arrange our wedding and organised it in 3 days, but he sadly died on the morning of the wedding so it was cancelled.

At first I thought I would never get over it, I was in pieces and couldn't bear to think I'd never speak to him or see him again. DD and DP were devastated too, as was my Mum and sister and I felt like I had to hold it together for everone. I would sob hysterically into my pillow when nobody was around and truly felt like my heart was broken.

It took a long time, but I gradually realised that some days I could think about him and not cry.

Yes, it was hard for a long time and even now I get days when I feel the loss really badly especially at times like now when its coming up to the anniversary of his death.

I just wanted to give support to anyone who loses a parent. I never thought I would feel better, but I do and wanted to convey that.

OP posts:

Report

oops · 19/08/2006 21:07

Message withdrawn

southeastastra · 19/08/2006 21:12

it does get more bearable, but of course there are moments when you miss them like mad

mazzystar · 19/08/2006 21:15

My father died 17 years ago, when I was in my teens. I don't think that losing a parent is something you ever truly "get over", in fact, I think it fundamentally changes you as a person. But as MamaG says, a time arrives when you no longer feel that intense pain of loss and get pleasure and joy from remembering the person you lost.

MamaG · 19/08/2006 21:16

I know what you mean oops and I felt like you for a long time - thats really the main reason why I posted this, to give people a bit of support and hope (if that doesn't sound too dramatic!)

I agree about the grieving in instalments too, I did (and do) the same.

OP posts:

MamaG · 19/08/2006 21:16

I agree mazzystar

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schneebly · 19/08/2006 21:18

Thank you MamaG for posting this and the others for sharing their experiences - I lost my mum in 2002 to cancer. She was only 43 and it was very difficult but I have been very lucky that all my family are close and we have supported each other and I can now think about her with a smile. Sometimes it hits me hard like yesterday when I started to bleed - I could have done with a big hug from her but I think she gives me strength from where she is now. Love and best wishes to all of those grieving.

MatNanPlus · 19/08/2006 21:21

I lost my mum to Cancer on Feb 3 2004 after caring for her for 2 months.

She left a hole that no one can fill, i deal with it by talking to her in my head, we chatted on the phone daily about my work as a nanny and maternity nanny.

It gets easier, my Dad has adjusted incrediably well, so the hoover and mop only come out once a month, he is away working from monday to friday so it doesn't get very messy anyway.

2shoes · 19/08/2006 23:36

mazzystar agree with you. my mum died when Iwas 18(i am 45 now) but have to say I miss her still.

israel · 20/08/2006 00:33

I agree with everyone...to lose a parent is never easy...and you never 'get over' it...but you do learn to live with it...and times do return where you can think of them and smile and appreciate how lucky you were to have them in the first place...I lost my lovely mum...when she was 56...I was 26....and my dad 3 yrs ago....
There are so many things I have wanted to show them and say....I am now 46 and can still cry about my loss but those times are few and far between.

hooleymama · 20/08/2006 01:46

New to this..just wanted to say..both my parents are gone now..hurts like hell some days but I know one day I'll look at my boy and he'll do something that reminds me of mum or dad & I'll know that life goes on...cheesey but true.

disney07 · 23/08/2006 18:45

I was very close to my mum she passed away 18 months ago on feb 6th 2005 she was 56 and died from lung cancer we only found out 11 months before on 31st march 2004 she had the big C its been the hardest time of my life being the only girl with 2 brothers i done everything for her and nursed her the best i could then she passed way peacefully leaving a huge hole in my life, but i am happily married with 2 DD'S so tried to focus on the future which was worring cos by this time my gran (my mum's mum) was taking my mum's death really badly so i tried to be there for her all i could till one day 16wks to the day of my mums death we found my gran had passed away peacefully in her armchair, she was now where she longed to be since my mums death (with my mum) i miss them both really badly, but as the months go by it does tend to get better, i get my days, my minutes even but i would'nt want it any other way, cos when i think of them and have a little cry i feel better for it afterwards, i believe it does makes you a stronger person so my heart really does go out to anyone that as lost a loved one

angelhunter · 30/08/2006 23:33

hi Everyone
i lost my Dad suddenly, to two heart attacks one that put him in hospital and a second a week later,8 years ago, unfortunitly before i met my husband and had my beautiful baby girl who he would have adored. She is named after him. It does get easier but I still cry for him and sometimes with out knowing what has set me off

nikki48023506 · 13/09/2006 22:03

Hi all, was just looking for some advice on bereavement when i found this thread. I lost my Mom in a horrific car accident on such a horrible day - 9/11. I really struggle this time of year because of the extensive coverage of the Twin Towers attacks. its 5 years now since she passed- don't get me wrong - not a day goes by when i don't think about her, but it hits even harder on the anniversary because of all the thousands of people that died in these attacks. God bless x

candygirl · 14/09/2006 13:11

hi nikki,sorry to hear about your mum!that was a awful day anyway let alone you having the awful news that your mum had died,and in such a horrific way.im so sorry!wot a unbelievable day it must have been for you. my dad died 12 yrs ago and i no wot you mean the anniversary is the worst and yes i no we do think about them everyday ,but this day i think is particuly worse as i think you always relive that day and no wot they were doing .i found the 1st anni worst as it always helped me to think "this time last year we were" but once you hit the day after the 1st anni you cant say that and i found that really hard.i actually forgot the anni last year and it devastated me as i thought it was a sign that i was forgetting him ,i no that i will never forget him as such but maybe my memories are slippin away, i dont really no how to explain it .
im sorry i probably havent helped you at all have i ! i do have great memories of my dad and god do i still miss him but as time goes on it does get easier to cope with ,but we'll never understand why them ! will we? you take care .

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 15/09/2006 00:44

god bless nikki at this time of year which opens up such painful memories.

My mum died of breast cancer aged 52 7 years ago.My dad who had been with her since she was 16 had a breakdown,followed by my sister (who was 6 months pg with 1st grandchild) followed by me.

Now I compare it to loosing a limb.You would learn to adapt without it.But you would miss it every day.Hope that doesnt sound silly and makes some kind of sense

Good night and sweet dreams to all those who have had such a sad loss.
x

nikki48023506 · 15/09/2006 22:03

CHOCOLATEPEANUT your words are so right, it is like losing a limb. It is sometihng that you never truely get used to. I miss my Mom so much - she was 50 when she died and I was 23. I feel like I have had to go through my whole maturing process without her. I feel angry that my kids have never had the chance to meet their Nanny.

Thanks for your thoughts x

Twinkie1 · 15/09/2006 22:11

Lost my mum 31 years ago tomorrow.

Sometimes its really hard and sometimes I think I was lucky not to be greiving for an actual person - I never knew her you see but sometimes its the hardest thing in the world.

DH lost his grandma last month and it was the first funeral I have been to of a woman and I found it terribly difficult it was hard thinking that ot was his mums mum and I missed my mum so badly on the day of the funeral. Part of me felt as though her children should have been so grateful and happy that they knew her for so long though - I felt a bit jealous. But then half of me feels its easier for me as I don't miss an actual person as I never knew her!!

God life is so hard sometimes and everything is so mixed up - tomorrow is going to be a horrible day for me as it always is but am spending it with DH, DCs and DHs mum so hopefully we can give each other support.

Thanks for posting this message though - I feel like its so hard to talk about it sometimes and this has helped.

me23 · 15/09/2006 22:22

I lost my mum nov 2004 to lung cancer. I was 8 weeks pregnant at the time. so she never got to see her grandaughter, she was an amazing person and mother. she battled the pain so bravely. I was numb at first when she died, I am glad I had the pregnancy to focus on otherwise I don't know what would have happened.
I have found myself thinking about her a lot lately and grieving for her. I feel I might be ready for bereavement councilling it was offered to me at the time but I couldnt face it then.

me23 · 15/09/2006 22:27

just wanted to add, a thankyou for posting this thread. Also to say my heart goes out to you all x

Linnet · 15/09/2006 22:56

I lost my mum 9 years ago this December, a week before christmas it was, to Breast Cancer. My dd was only 4 months old at the time and my mum and hung on so she could see her first grandchild born, after dd arrived though she rapidly went down hill.

It did hit me hard but as I had dd to concentrate on I don't think it hit me as hard as my brother who was only 17 at the time.

I agree that losing a parent is like losing a limb you adapt but it's never the same. Hard parts over the years have been my wedding day and the birth of my second dd. I have so many days when I'd like to ask my mum about things that I did as a small child to see if my girls are the same, iykwim, for instance dd2 sucks her thumb but I have no idea if I did that as a child and I can't find out. It's the little things, not being able to phone and ask something, or tell her something.

I do have wonderful dreams though where when I wake up in the morning I'd swear blind she's actually been here in the house and not just in my dreams. I know that she's looking after us all from somewhere.

MamaG · 15/09/2006 23:20

Linnet I know what you mean about the dreams. I often wake up feeling really happy as I've dreamed about Dad, just doing everyday things together. I do hope they are watching over us all, I like to think they are.

When we moved house, the first night DD spent in her new bedroom (2 years after Dad died - DD then aged 5), DD told me the next day that she felt a bit scared in her new room, but that Grandad told her "its OK darling". I was sad and happy at the same time.

OP posts:

JessaJam · 15/09/2006 23:29

My mum died 9 years ago, I was 19. She was just 50. She died of lung cancer.

You do learn to live with it. The intensity of the loss fades, but the importance doesn't - does that make sense?

I find it so cruel that she died when I was still a teenager. So our relationship wasn't at it's best and hadn't been for a while. I wasn't at a stage where I could appreciate her good points and cope with her bad points in a vaguely sensible way. That makes me sad and angry.

DHs uncle has just died, aged 49, of cancer, leaving 4 children, the eldest being 18.

MamaG · 15/09/2006 23:32

yes, that does make sense JessaJam - I was 24 when Dad died, but I admit I feel jealous when people who are older than me talk about their Dads (which is horrible, I know)

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JessaJam · 15/09/2006 23:35

I remeber thinking it was awful when people said "it will get better" to me..how can a parent dying (especially dying 'young' iykwim) get "better"? Now I know, obviously, they meant "it" as in the feeling not the situation, but when I wrote in card to DH's cousins, I was really careful not say "it will get better"!

Dunnyjo · 16/09/2006 12:06

I am glad to come across this thred. Having a bad few days again. It seems to come oer in waves. My mum died in Jan this year, she was 57 and i am 24. I was pregnant 2nd time round when she died. Going through my pregnancy i got into a rut of staying in all day every day. Some days are better if i am out with dh but as soon as he is at work i shut myself away. I know this is not good and i am trying to change this. Especially for my ds who is 2 1/2. Luckly MIL has him for a couple of afternoons a week and dh keeps it going.
I have been seeing a grieving councilor for a few months and its only now i am seeing how i find it so petrifying to go out the door with the boys. Because when my mum was alive i had a routine of picking her up from work every afternoon and we would go shopping/lunch anything and everything. I just feel it tears me apart trying to find a life again now. I dont know why i find everything so difficult to plan.
I am sorry for everyones losses and i hope that have MN helps for us to be able to share how we are all feeling.

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