Recently Widowed, looking for similar female friends!

(38 Posts)
LibbyXe Tue 01-Apr-14 19:52:22

Hi everyone, I tragically lost my husband at the end of January 2014. He wasn't ill, I found him one morning and he had passed away. It's now April 1st, ten weeks later and I am still reeling from it. I have older children and would love to hear from women in a similar position to me who are also trying to pick up the pieces and find their new "normal", it's the start of a new chapter for me and I would love to make some new friends who are going through or have been through the same as me. I hope to hear from you soon. I'm from the South Coast, UK.

LilyTheSavage Thu 03-Apr-14 21:11:20

Hi Libby.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not in your situation (my DS2 died aged 21 in the summer) but I saw your post and didn't want to read and run.

I really hope you find some other ladies in the same situation who will be more help than me.

Be gentle to yourself. XX

Leakingwellies Fri 04-Apr-14 11:57:56

Hi Libby

I'm in a similar position. my husband died mid March after a short illness. He was 44 and was fit and well before this cruel illness took him. We have 3 children 20,16 and 13. I'm still in a state of shock and waiting for him to come home every day from work. Everything feels so unfair-we were best friends and had been together for 26 years. He was the love of my life and I can't believe he's gone. We had the funeral last week, it was such a bittersweet occasion but just what he would have wanted. The kids are coping in their own way but I just feel so lonely and cheated of all our future plans and dreams.

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you have the support that you need. Hopefully we can help each other on this thread. Julie x

PigeonPair Sat 05-Apr-14 22:38:16

Ladies I feel so much for both of you and I am sorry for losses. I lost my husband very suddenly in May last year. I was 39 and he was 53. we had been together for 14 years and were just a few weeks short of our 10th anniversary. We were so happy and looking forward to seeing our children grow-up. I am now on my own with a ds (just 9) and dd (5). I am slowly getting back on my feet but the enormity of the situation still floors me some days. A friend of a friend (same age as me and same age children) that lives around the corner, lost her own husband suddenly the week before. We have slowly developed a friendship and our children are getting to know each other too. It is tentative but so lovely to have a friend you can be completely honest with. We laugh together and we have tears together. When one is struggling, the other is there to support and vice versa.

Getting used to the "new normal" is exactly how I put it when people asked me how I was in those first few weeks after he died. It will be a year soon but some days is feels like it happened yesterday......

Polkadotpatty Sat 05-Apr-14 22:57:26

Hello to Libby all other posters,

I'm a lot longer into the situation than all of you -my DH died ten years ago, when he and I were both in our twenties. It is a hard, hard time and so very raw and fresh for you all. My heart gave a little squeeze when I read your posts. Although every person's grief and love is unique, I'm more than happy to be an understanding friend and share any experience if that helps.

I'm not completely sure if it's still running but I found some comfort on a forum called merrywidow which was set up by Kate Boydell when she was widowed young.

Take things very gently, all of you brew

Polkadotpatty Sat 05-Apr-14 22:58:34

(Should say "to Libby AND all other posters" - sorry!)

Leakingwellies Sun 06-Apr-14 08:57:20

Hi all

Having a really bad few days. My eldest lovely quiet son is brimming over with anger but insists he is dealing with it...he's not. He went to the football on his own yesterday, didn't want to be with anyone, his friends all worried about him, he won't talk to them or me. My youngest son has gone away for the weekend with a friend and I'm missing him like crazy, my daughter at 16 has been out with her friends all weekend and acts like nothing has happened...when will it be real for her???

I'm just about functioning, getting up, walking the dogs, going through the motions, remembering to eat at least once a day. I'm full of overwhelming sadness and loneliness and still can't believe this has happened. He's really gone hasn't he? He'll never come in from work and cuddle me when I'm making tea or hold me and tell me he loves me. I want to ring his phone incase he answers it , everytime I get a text my heart leaps incase its him...how mad does that sound?

There's going to be an inquest and the hospital are investigating what happened because he should not have died, mistakes were made and they know they were wrong.

Sorry I'm rambling. Pigeon and Polka I am so sorry for your losses. Your replies give me strength. Is it normal for kids to compartmentalise their loss so quickly-it frightens me how 'ok' they seem?

Polkadotpatty Sun 06-Apr-14 10:57:49

"Just about functioning" is pretty impressive, and utterly exhausting. However you're doing or feeling, yes, it's normal. These times are not a linear progression through feelings, happily or sadly, it's a good old tangle for quite a long time. I say "happily" because surprise moments sneak up on you, of amazing memories or jokes you shared. And those moments are things to cling to, especially while you're trying to get your head round the "nevers" and the emptiness.

I am no professional, but my guess is your children are partly trying to protect you from their pain, because they can see yours. This will work itself into balance, and become something you all share, but for now you may just all be clinging on. I found it helpful to keep mentioning my husband's name, bringing him into conversations where I usually would - it seemed to give other people the hint that it was very much OK to talk about him. Later, this gives low pressure opportunities for your children to talk about missing their dad, without them having to find a big moment.

Inquests and investigations are even tougher, maybe because they imply there will be a reason for everything, an injustice corrected. And that's only partially true - every loss of a hugely loved person is unfair, is impossible to find a reason for, and eventually the inquest answers cannot answer the unfairness of it all. Anger is so powerful and consuming it's scary, and frightening for you to see in your children - anything you can do to help him ride it out, rather than hide it, will be a good thing. My mother-in-law drove up to the Downs and screamed her head off quite regularly (some startled hikers on those days!) just to let it out.

You're not mad about the phone things. I got my husband's voicemail message sent to me as a recording by his mobile company, before I could bring myself to cancel the contract. It used to drive me nuts getting his voicemail when he was alive, but later hearing his voice by any method was a comfort.

Hugs to you x

Dear Libby I am in a similar situation. My ds2 found his dad in bed in July 2001, paramedics were called but he couldn't be revived. sad
It has been a long haul for us both.I am happy to chat with you on here or by email etc. Please feel free to message me on here!!

Leakingwellies Sun 06-Apr-14 22:16:00

Hi polka. Thank you for your kind words of wisdom. Had a rotten day but dsis n bil came round at tea with wine and food and we all got emotional and felt better for it. Youngest son home after a fab weekend and eldest a lot calmer after spending afternoon watching football with his mates. So heres to amother day over.still so empty but know I will sleep tonight as v tired and tipsy. Hugs to all travelling this lonely road x

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 14-Apr-14 19:26:27

Sorry for your losses

My husband died 3years ago this Wednesday - aged 37 - suicide

Happy to chat / give my experience

Join way - widowed and young - you will meet lots of people in the same boat who hopefully live near you

Also once joined way there is a Fb page as well

salt1 Wed 07-May-14 21:26:24

hello all, sorry for your losses. I lost my husband last month. he was 50, I am 39 and we have a 15 month old girl. he was not ill, and we don't have any real answers yet. I am tired, lonely stressed and sorry for myself. would be great to chat x

Leakingwellies Fri 09-May-14 07:58:01

Hi Salt1. I am so sorry for your loss. I completely feel your pain and I hope it helps a tiny bit by knowing you are not alone on this difficult road. Do you want to talk to me about your husband and share your memories if not too painful? We can try and muddle through this together if you feel like it? x

RubySparks Fri 09-May-14 08:08:55

There is also an organisation called the WAY foundation www.widowedandyoung.org.uk that a friend highly recommends, her DH died suddenly of a heart attack when she was mid 40s.

salt1 Sat 10-May-14 23:03:47

hello leakingwellies I would very much like to muddle through this together xxx

Agggghast Sun 11-May-14 12:29:37

Hi I am three years on my DH was in his late 40's and died from SADS, I was left with 3 teenagers. PM me if you want to meet/ chat , take care

Leakingwellies Sun 11-May-14 18:51:38

Hi Salt. How have you been doing over the weekend? Ive had a fairly quiet day today but the house is full of noisy teenagers so I don't feel too bad. Still living on takeaways and wine but trying to cut back a bit and start cooking again. Can I ask how your dh died? My dh was in hospital but we never expected him to die. Such a massive shock I am only just beginning to make sense of. Hope you and little one surrounded by support xx



Agggghast

Leakingwellies Sun 11-May-14 18:53:29

Sorry typing on phone. Agggghast I am truly sorry for your loss. How are you and your kids doing three years down the line? X

Leakingwellies Sun 11-May-14 18:53:49

Sorry typing on phone. Agggghast I am truly sorry for your loss. How are you and your kids doing three years down the line? X

salt1 Mon 12-May-14 11:23:06

I filled my weekend to get through it, including a night out Friday, a day out Saturday, a 2 hours walk, Eurovision, church and lunch on sunday, no wonder last night I was exhausted and down. weekends are the hardest as used to dh not being around so much in the week. still not sure exactly how dh died, he had severe brain damage when his heart stopped but still don't know what caused his heart to stop. leakingwelies cani ask how your husbnd died. ope you are ok today x

Leakingwellies Mon 12-May-14 15:14:56

Hi Salt. Sounda like you had a full weekend. I know what you mean about filling the time. I think I've been out more in the last eight weeks than in the last eight years. I was always a homebird and not much of a socialiser but now I hate staying in.

My dh died of a rare blood disorder that was only diagnosed three weeks before he died. We knew it was serious but everyone was so positive we really believed he would be ok. Hw needed chemo urgently but his consultant dragged his feet and my dh succumbed to a chest infection that turned into pneumonia and then all his organs failed. It still feels sp unreal and unfair.

Hoq are you coping with thw paperwork side of things? Im just about getting to the end of sorting it all out. Take care x

salt1 Tue 13-May-14 09:37:38

so much paperwork, and some of it is very stressful x

indybelle Fri 20-Jun-14 02:23:17

My husband and I would have been married 18 years on July 4, 2014 but he died June 6 of a massive heart attack. I feel empty and alone even though his sister lives with me. I went to an outdoor concert last night and tried to have some fun but it wasn't the same. I am planning on moving back home which is MS. I just don't know what to do or say anymore because I don't want people thinking that I am glad that he is gone or am moving on with my life. I feel like I am just here. I know I am not making much sense but I just wanted to say something and maybe get my feelings out.

salt1 Fri 20-Jun-14 17:50:13

indybelle nice to hear from you, and I am so sorry about your husband. I would really like to say something to help, however I am out of words. but i am here and happy to chat and listen x

mirren3 Fri 20-Jun-14 23:24:14

Hello, I lost my husband in May, he was in hospital but was expected to recover and come home. I still can't believe he's gone, I keep thinking I'll tell dh that happened or whatever and then I remember. He had only turned 50 the week before. The paperwork is awful as has been said, I go to start and just can't face anything.
In fact I just can't be bothered with anything, don't know how normal that is though.

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