Rather sensitive question , sorry if wrong place, how do I find my brothers resting place please

(14 Posts)
moldingsunbeams Tue 25-Mar-14 10:58:35

My brother was still born at full term when I was 18 months old in the early 1980s , my Mum almost died at the time and the hospital dealt with everything, there was no funeral.
His death affected my life massively for a variety of reasons, he has always been a bit part of our lifes but we have no idea where he was put.

Part of me is scared because of hospital practices around that time but I feel I need to know and I have no idea where to start.

PinkPepper Tue 25-Mar-14 13:50:30

Is your mum still alive? I think she'd be the only one with access to know I'm afraid.

So sorry sad x

thedaymylifestoodstill Tue 25-Mar-14 16:00:49

Hi molding

So sorry to read of your brother and also the effect it has had on your life. sad

It is possible to find him, I know that Sands help families trace their stillborn relatives. It would be worth looking on their website and contacting them. I've read of several mums finding their Babies this way. I'm sure they will be able to help you.

Otherwise do you know what hospital your brother was born in? You may be able to contact them direct although I think Sands will be able to help you. Normally if the hospital arranged the funeral, the baby is buried in an unmarked grave with other babies or adults.

I hope you are able to find him; if you feel able or want to please keep us updated. Was he named?

We're here if you want to talk about him, feel no pressure if you don't either. I only say that as a mum who lost a baby recently.

Hoping that you find him xxx

moldingsunbeams Tue 25-Mar-14 18:07:00

Thank you so much for replying, my mum wanted to know when we last discused it but wont because of the effect it would have on my dad.

My mum almost died, they gave her a night telling Dad she wouldnt survive, all her organs failed, she did survive but fell apart, ended up as a MH inpatient for a while, my Dad threw himself into work, they had no choice as they needed the money but he suffers terribly from depression now, neither came to terms with it.

His name was Stephen, I think about him all the time, what he would be like. As an only child theres only me now.
This was in the days before they took pictures/footprints etc, they have nothing and thats hard.
What was harder is he was full term and healthy and died as a result of a mistake.

Pink I thought that may be the case, I will wait if I have to.

theday much love to you,
thank you for replying , I do know the hospital, I did wonder if that was the case, just knowing the graveyardand a general ideaof area and having somewhere to go would be enough.

thedaymylifestoodstill Tue 25-Mar-14 19:18:00

Hi Molding

Thank you for telling us about Stephen and I'm so very sorry for all your family has been through.

Does your dad ever talk about him?

I would really recommend talking to Sands, I'm pretty sure there is a person there who can help you and find Stephen's resting place. Maybe if you found it your dad and mum could visit him? Although if he's not really talked about that might be tricky.

From my experience visiting the grave helps me, it's a place I feel near to my baby and I often go there to cry and be amongst my thoughts and feelings. It may help you to visit your brother so you can have a place to be near him.

I'm so sorry for your parents, I know that years ago it was all so different and brushed under the carpet as it were. Men especially had to show that stuff upper lip and I often worry about my DH who has had to appear strong and go back to work when I know he feels the same as I do.

Hearing that he was healthy and died due to a mistake makes it even harder and I am sending you all my love.

Does your mum use the computer? I know that Sands has a loss through the years section on their site with plenty of parents who lost their children many years ago come to talk about how they're feeling, in a private forum. It could be something you could tell her about?

Thinking of you all and Stephen.

Keep in contact xxxx

OurMiracle1106 Tue 25-Mar-14 19:23:08

Contact the hospital. they should be able to tell you at least what cemetery he would have been laid to rest in and then contact the cemetery they will be able to give you a grave number and location. I searched for a closeffriends grave but knew the church he was buried at and it took me less than 3 days to find his resting place knowing only his first name date of birth and age at death (i was 8 at the time) I find it helps so much to go there and went to place flowers today as it was 17 years to the day since he was taken

Hugs

moldingsunbeams Wed 26-Mar-14 09:57:28

Thank you so much, I managed to find out the cemetery used in those days by the hospital, I emailed the cemetery yesterday and they confirmed they were used almost exclusively for still births burials and cremations from that hospital.

The lady who answered is lovely and is looking for me.

moldingsunbeams Wed 26-Mar-14 10:06:20

Theday Never, he never has, my mum wont mention it infront of him either. My mum rarely mentions it but occassionally angry outbursts will come out when Dad is not around.

Dad only ever refers to when your mum nearly died.

My mum was unable to have more children afterwards, they tried to adopt but it fell apart.

It broke our little family.

I am stuck as to what to do if they find him tbh, whether I tell them I have found him, whether I tell my mum, whether they will be angry I looked.

But I really need to know, I need closure on it, zI need somewhere to go to remember him.

bluehearted Wed 26-Mar-14 19:00:32

This is such a sad story molding. I really hope you find your brothers resting place and i hope when you do it can bring your family some much needed peace.

I have a brother who died at 2 weeks old in 1982 (he was older than me so i never got to meet him) and I can relate to understanding the impact this has on your family, my mum has never been the same and my dad doesn't talk about it, ever.

I really wish you luck on your journey finding your brother thanks

thedaymylifestoodstill Wed 26-Mar-14 19:32:43

Hi Moulding

Oh just reading of your family's story makes me sad Such a lot for a little family to go through and for it still to be felt by you all. However, I am glad you have managed to find the cemetery, I do hope you can find Stephen.

I was thinking about you all, about what you said about how you don't know what to do if you do find him. It is just as important to you, to know where your brother is as your parents and I don't think they would be angry. If they were, I would imagine it would be misplaced anger and grief which are so intertwined. They've had no outlet for their feelings for all these years and have bottled it up. How awful for you all.

I think (well this is only my opinion) that if you do find where your brother is, perhaps you could do something like all the information they provide, any official certificates etc, put it together in a little pack and write a letter to your parents, and send it with it. That way, they will have space to read it if they want to and you will have given them the information if they want it. Then if they want to bring it up again, they can.

I don't know if what I've said makes any sense or is indeed the right thing to say, it's only my opinion; however whatever you decide to do I am thinking of you, please let us know if the lady finds him. I sincerely hope she can, for all of you and that you get to visit your brother.

Bluehearted, I'm sorry to hear about your brother too. As a mum who has gone through loss of a child, it really does change you and I do worry about my other DC. xxxx

bluehearted Wed 26-Mar-14 19:39:24

Thedaymylifestoodstill, that was a lovely post with some great advice for the op.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and just had to say, although my mum never recovered, it made her who she is today and I never thought she was a bad mum or anything like that, she was an amazing mother despite what she has been through. I don't think you have to worry about your DCs, I'm sure you're an amazing mother and they will see your strength!

thedaymylifestoodstill Wed 26-Mar-14 19:52:35

Bluehearted, thank you that made me all teary eyed smile

moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 07:55:49

Thedaymylifestoodstill and bluehearted

Thank you so much for your replies, much love to yoi both.

Thedaymylife please dont worry, all I can say is let your dc know they can ask about their sibling or talk about them.

I never felt I could, I always felt I had no right as his sister to grieve for him especialy as he was a baby and I was young at the time.

But you build up to a new sibling coming home, you get them ready, then obviously he didnt come home, my mum was seriously ill in hospital, then on a MH ward , neither situation I could see her, I was at my grandparents through all this as Dad still had to work but as much as my parents are lovely I didnt feel I had a right to grieve.

My family dont talk though, until last year I thought I was responsible for the adoption breakdown , for 25 years Ive felt the guilt and I found out the reason was nothing to do with me.

thedaymylifestoodstill Fri 28-Mar-14 19:44:46

Hi molding

How are you? I've been thinking of you and your family today. Have you had any more news on locating your brother?

Thank you for your kind words. I really hope that you can find him.

xxxx

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