8 years on, lost child then lost friends how to handle

(10 Posts)
sadmummy1 Sun 09-Mar-14 08:38:30

We lost our little girl and it was really hard to find any outlet for my grief then
DH went underground with his grief and the friends I reached out to ran away. Literally.

I have moved on, met new people, some don't know about our past

My problems are twofold
Firstly the grief has not been integrated into our lives - not spoken about. Actually I think this has made me lose confidence. Not speaking my truth.
Secondly, the loss of friends hurt me badly, more than the bereavement in some ways. There is an important event coming up where I might have to see these people and I'm filled with anxiety over it. Actually posting here is helping to relieve that anxiety a bit

I think I lost confidence because no one at the time let me grieve how I needed - even DH told me not to cry (bad manners to make other people feel uncomfortable !!) - and I felt ashamed to hold my head up through my tears. Instead I hid.
But there is no shame in the expression of grief and it was wrong for people to suggest that there was.

Is it ever too late to work through unresolved grief? Typing it out has made me realise that: you have to do the grief work and I only have partially.

sassytheFIRST Sun 09-Mar-14 08:44:24

I'm so sorry that you lost your little girl. Would you like to tell us about her?

I've never lost a child but I did suffer a major bereavement when I was 25. Finally saw a counsellor 9 years later. She said it was v common for people to try to cope for years before getting help. It really helped me.

diamondlizard Sun 09-Mar-14 09:18:07

Im so sorry for your loss

did anyone let you openly grieve?

I csn remember gran n grandad saying to me after ds died
come on be strong
which felt like stop crying

im not sure what to do about the party as im a bit of a hider too

InOtherNews Sun 09-Mar-14 09:28:05

I'm so sorry. It took me a year to realise I wasn't dealing with a loss we'd suffered. It felt like it was consuming me, so for you after 8 years, it must be extremely difficult. I eventually went for counselling which was painful at first but a real catalyst for beginning to come to terms with things. I'd really recommend it, it helped me to realise I was being hard on myself and also that I wasn't dealing with it in the first place. For me, I just needed an acknowledgment of the loss - and as you say OP, people don't want to do that. Could counselling be an option? It sounds as though you've already found just having an outlet on here has helped.

sadmummy1 Sun 09-Mar-14 09:35:11

Yes, I do think counselling will be a good way forward and I will look into it
Hopefully posting on here and your advice will give me the push I need to get it sorted, thank you
Appreciate you all posting

InOtherNews Sun 09-Mar-14 10:06:54

Good luck. I hope it helps you. There always seems to be support on here if you need it.

Mojito100 Sun 09-Mar-14 13:16:51

Sad mummy, grief is such a personal journey yet similar in some ways for all of us. Having lost my DD 5 years ago I have regular ups and downs but came back to mumsnet as I hit quite a low. I support the advice of finding a counsellor. I've had one since my loss but to be honest have really only scratched the surface and not dug deep. Mumsnet has helped me enormously so do stay on here as well. You can come and go as you please/need and we understand. It sounds like the party will be challenging but you need to focus on yourself, do what is right for you and look after yourself. Don't be worried about how other people are feeling worry about yourself first. You are right there is no shame in the expression if grief just understand people may not know what to say or do. Your friends may gave terrible regrets about how they managed things so maybe go with an open mind but always hold true to yourself. Don't be afraid to have an honest conversation with them either.

sadmummy1 Sun 09-Mar-14 13:43:26

Thank you
I just felt so bereft without support - and could not believe that society is conditioned to be so cruel to the grieving that even friends shunned us.

Maybe - now they are more mature and with the passage of time - maybe they would have regrets, that's a good point

I have had a massive loss of confidence over time and trace a lot of it back to then I think, back to not being allowed to grieve openly

But is there therefore room to forgive people for not being supportive then if they might regret it now?
Maybe
I can feel something unknotting just at that thought actually thank you, it is something that had not occurred to me!

InOtherNews Sun 09-Mar-14 21:58:13

I really struggle with knowing what to say to people after a bereavement. In fact I retyped my post several times up thread because I wasn't sure and I wanted to say the right thing. Maybe your friends didn't know what to say either. It could be they just didn't understand, but I don't think there is anything anyone can say and it's a very British thing to just not mention it and sweep it under the carpet I suppose, isn't it. I'm not excusing it, but just trying to understand why they might have acted like that.
I heard something on the radio recently about a woman who had lost her husband after 30 or so years. She said that after 6 months, people just expected her to have 'moved on', and couldn't understand why she was still talking about him. That shocked me a bit but made me realise that - and I am ashamed to admit this - I suppose there was a part of me that would have thought that, just not consciously. It's made me think twice about how I act in situations like that now, but I can see how easy it is to just not want to acknowledge it. Ironically that's one of the things I struggled with!
Maybe if you talked about this with someone before you went, you could turn it into a positive somehow, get some kind of closure on the pain it caused you?

everlong Mon 10-Mar-14 14:38:43

I'm sorry your friends were rubbish sadmummy. Child loss brings out the worst in so many people. It's easier to ignore it than face it with someone who needs your help.

I don't think it's too late to unravel your grief. I think you deserve and owe it to yourself.

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