Had miscarriage and lost my dad a few weeks later - 7 months later have hit rock bottom.

(7 Posts)
bigbadwritersblock Fri 07-Mar-14 10:01:25

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks in May last year (ivf baby), a few weeks later my Dad went into hospital with a lung infection which was a regular occurance as Dad was two years past chemo for lung cancer. He had had the all clear which was a miracle really but suffered from poor health as a result of the treatment.

In August Dad was having a routine procedure under sedation and the 'team' failed to suction him properly (as he couldn't swallow under sedation) and basically drowned him.

Dad was 61, I miss him terribly. cant brloeve im gping to have a baby thats never going go meet him. I had to have treatment the day following his death and several times a week to keep the second ivf pregnancy (due to high natural killer cells and other issues) I had hormones/steroids/drips/drugs etc and came off them all in January. Id hoped that things would feel better but they don't - worse if anything. Have a 3 1/2 year old who sees me cry and lose it every day which makes me feel worse. Baby due in 5 weeks and I desperately don't want it then - I'm just not able to cope with what I do now let alone a new baby. My son is at nursery 3 mornings a week but other then that time I'm on my own from the moment he wakes until the long after his bedtime.

Everything just feels so hopeless and insurmountable. I don't know how to get better. Can't get counselling on nhs- cant afford it privately- cant take anyidepressabts or sleeping tablets

Any advice of any kind would be really appreciated. Am thinking following up further with the hospital might help me channel my anger (have had meetings with them but not taken it further)

Spacefrog35 Fri 07-Mar-14 10:22:22

I'm so sorry you're finding things so hard at the moment. You've had so much stress to deal with it's not surprising you feel overwhelmed. I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad.

Feeling angry about the death of your father is perfectly natural (and totally understandable). I don't know what the best course of action is but I would ask that you make sure you have a strong support network if you do decide to approach the hospital, they may be defensive, or dismissive which you sound like you would find very hard to take on board at the moment. You may well be right, they may have a case to answer, but I don't think you should be tackling them on your own just at the moment, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to.

You don't mention your partner, od you have anyone about who can offer you a hug & a cup of tea? Take your toddler for an hour so you can have a nice bath and a sob all to yourself?

Have you spoken to your midwife about how you're feeling? You say you can't get counselling on the NHS but your midwife may be able to add weight to getting you some help? If not then have you tried one of the charities such as CRUSE www.cruse.org.uk/?

I wish I could do more but I hope knowing there are people here to offer a hand to hold will help.

Spacefrog35 Fri 07-Mar-14 10:23:53

Pressed post in the middle of editing - sorry - I also wanted to add my condolences for the loss of your baby. I didn't mean to completely ignore that very important detail in my response blush.

Armadale Fri 07-Mar-14 10:35:59

Hello.

My heart goes out to you, what a time you have had.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father and your baby.

What I would say is: of course everything feels so hopeless and insurmountable to you right now, who would feel they could cope with the horrid, horrid time you have had? I think struggling just shows that you are a fully functioning person.

I think you need a lot more help than you have been getting.

Firstly, MC's are very hard in and of themselves, and on top of that it was an IVF baby so you had all the stress of conception before that to deal with as well.

I have found that in a PG subsequent to a MC, it brings up al those worries and fears again. There is an idea in my head that as the baby is OK, I must be grateful and happy to be pregnant and not worried or traumatised, but this isn't the reality for me. The reality is that although I am happy about the new baby, I am also very raw as the pregnancy brings things back up.

And as for your poor father, he was so young, I'm so sorry.

I lost my first baby a couple of years ago and the hospital then lied to cover up what had happened and protect themselves.

I have to say that the hurt and trauma caused by their behaviour was as bad as the grief itself. There is something very hard to take in the fact that trained professionals who are supposed to be helping have actually massively fucked things up.

I don't know if re-engaging with the hospital would help or not, I think it rather depends on the hospital and their attitude, to be honest, and only you would know what they are like.

I found that engaging with my hospital was very painful and just made everything worse as they were never prepared to be honest, so in the end I just withdrew from it entirely. I know others who have been really helped by engaging in a complaint procedure, but I think they were at places that actually wanted to hear the complaint and address it, if that makes sense.

Here are some suggestions, they are things that have helped me, so might be useful, but obviously they are only ideas.

1. You really MUST have someone to talk to. It is ridiculous that you haven't been given it on the NHS. I don't know how in hell they expect you to cope.

I've got a feeling that you are in London, from some antenatal post I think I read of yours. (sorry if that is wrong!)

If so I would highly recommend this place [[ city pregnancy]] They are a charity based in London who give free of charge counselling to women struggling to come to terms with a pregnancy loss or who are having an anxious pregnancy. You can self refer yourself to their services and you don't have to wait ages to see them. (I am currently PG -it is my 6th PG after 5 losses, and I don't think I would have managed to cope if it wasn't for their help, and I don't just talk about MC, I do talk about all my other worries and problems, this is OK)

(If I'm wrong and you aren't in London, can you say roughly where you are and perhaps a MNEtter can recommend a free counselling service nearer you)

2. Do you have a good GP you can talk to? (or midwife if you have continuity of care there) My consultant suggested I make an appointment with my GP now to discuss what help can be made available for me after the birth. As I have had recurrent MC's, I am apparently in a high risk group for PND, (as it sounds like you might be with your trauma) and there is a lot they can offer in terms of extra help, people coming in to just do bits of jobs in the house, more nursery care (not relevant for me but might be good for you) etc. A lot more help than I thought there would be.

3. Are you having a good antenatal experience? Do you have faith in the hospital you are with? I think this is important, particularly after what happened with your dad. I found the difference in care at different hospitals astonishing.

Sorry this turned into such an essay!

Armadale Fri 07-Mar-14 10:38:01

sorry link didn't work it is this city pregnancy

bigbadwritersblock Fri 07-Mar-14 12:31:42

Thanks so much for your kind words, the dr I saw was very young and just asked me if I have insurance to cover a counsellor. Then gave me a telephone number when I didn't. I must admit I'm a bit scared to admit the depth if my feelings to them as I worry ill end up being referred to social services.

I am in London - I do have a lovely partner but he took a new job in jan and has already had a week in Asia and a week in brazil plus works fairly long hours. I'm exhausted when he gets in and tend to have a bath a go to bed. My inlaws are dreadful - mil still hasn't even mentioned my dad to me, even to say sorry after he died. My mum is coping and I see her weekly but we Never discuss feelings. I turned away from my friends when dad died as found it too hard to see them, one is lovely and is back in touch, 1 has just had a new baby and the other is useless and distant.

I think following up what happened to Dad might not be the right thing to do now. Its an awful hospital (I miscarried there and was made to carry my baby in a tub/bucket without a lid in case it went missing)

bigbadwritersblock Fri 07-Mar-14 12:33:31

Thank you for sharing your losses with me, ok do terribly sorry for all you've all had to bear x its changed me as a person and imagine it has you - in some ways it the cruelest part as I can't imagine we will get that old person back

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