No heartbeat on friend's scan, due date a week before mine, what do I say?

[oliveoil]

Found out last night that my friend had her scan yesterday and they couldn't find a heartbeat. Her due date was a week before mine.

I haven't spoken to her yet, I found out from another friend last night, both of us sobbing down the phone. Friend from last night also lost a baby in a similar way 2 years ago and this has brought it all back to her too, very distressing.

I am thinking of sending a card today, just to let her know I am thinking of her etc, and to tell her to call me when she is ready. Or should I phone her? The friend from last night reckons a card may be better first as she has spent most of the day informing relatives (or her dh has) and she feels 'phoned out' if you know what I mean.

[M2T]

Oh OO How awful! She must've been pretty far on. Is she having a 2nd opinion or is it pretty much definite that she's lost the baby?

No experience of this, but the card sounds like a good idea. That way she knows you are there to speak to when she feels ready.

[oliveoil]

Not sure of full details M2T, I am 17 weeks and she is 1 or 2 weeks ahead of me but it was her first scan, not sure why she hasn't had one earlier?

What makes it worse if that is possible is that our daughters are the same age and we were over the moon when we got pregnant at the same time again, comparing symptoms etc. If it was the other way round, I would be thinking why me and not her, don't know what to say to her.

[Janh]

OO, how sad, for all of you.

A card first sounds like a good idea, although she may not feel like ringing you herself even when she does want to talk - maybe she could ask another mutual friend to arrange something? (I'm just basing this on how I feel when I have to make a difficult phone call - tend to put off doing it at all unless someone intervenes. She may not be like that, of course.)

Something very like this happened to a friend of Rhubarb's when she was pregnant this time - I can't remember if it was a scan discovery or a miscarriage. There was lots of good advice then but search is still not working. Maybe Rhubarb will see this anyway.

[Kayleigh]

oh oliveoil, how awful - your poor friend.

I would definitely send a card in the first instance and for the meantime leave it up to her to call you when she is ready. If time passes and you don't hear from her maybe you could speak to her dh/dp and find out how she is. I would imagine it will be terribly hard for her speaking/seeing you when your babies were going to be born so close to each other. But it is so hard to gauge how someone will react so you just have to play it by ear and be there for her when she does feel ready to contact her.

[suzywong]

Oh how awful for all concernede
She's going to feel like s*** for a long time, there's no two ways about that. She may turn her hurt and anger on you just because you have what she has been so cruelly denied, if she is a a good friend and you think you are up to it in your condition, offer to let her rant and cry and sob on your shoulder. I mean tell her that she can let it all out, how unfair it is etc. IMO that would be helpful release for her because although she's going to get a lot of sympathy, she will also need to vent her wounded, hurt and angry side too.
If you don't feel up to taking that, then don't worry, just be prepared for her being resentful of you. I mean it's going to be very very hard for her to accept your sympathy graciously, so offer it but be prepared. And of course the advice from Kayleigh et al is just right too.

Poor poor woman

[StripyMouse]

What sad news. At the local playgroup I go to there were three of us pregnant at the same time, each due two weeks apart. We also all had 2 year olds at the time. The girl who was due first of the three of us lost her baby towards the end of her first trimester (can?t remember exactly when now) and it was terrible for all of us. It was quite awkward as we didn?t know each other so well that we constantly called round on each other or felt able to really open up and so carried on as best as we could. The two of us who were still pregnant felt we could never discuss how we were getting on around her so as not to upset her (she frequently got emotional just seeing us pregnant each week) and she stayed away altogether for about three months around the time we were due and gave birth. Por thing, we tried to give words of sympathy but she was clearly embarrassed by our clumsy attempts and the whole thing was so difficult - and still is to some degree as we know she is TTC and not getting anywhere.
If I could do it all again, I wish I could have gone straight round to see her on her own and told her exactly how I felt face to face and hadn?t skirted around the issue as it just led to awkward half comments and sympathetic looks. I?m not sure if it would have made it better for her but not doing anything just made it worse.
I wish I had at least sent a card - I recommend you do at least that much and, if you think it is appropriate, go see her - it is going to be awkward the first time you see her again whenever it is and the longer you leave it the more pregnant you will be and the worse she could feel.

[oliveoil]

my dh has just phoned me at work to say that he has just had a call from her dh to let us know what has happened. My dh told him that we found out last night off someone else and that we were going to send a card and for her to phone me when she is ready. She apparently feels awkward phoning me in case she upsets me as I am pregnant, going to put in the card not to be so daft etc, my feeling are secondary. They had to go to the hospital this morning to sort things out, her dh said we wouldn't want to know the details of that, feel so awful for her

[Marina]

Oliveoil, your poor friend, I'm so sorry.
I would send a card but, having been in her position myself a while back, if you want to help her and feel OK about doing so (I know it must be extra distressing for you being pregnant and due around the same time), then do call her in a little while. Sometimes I really wanted to speak to people - not just to emote but also to find out how they were too - but could not pick up the phone and felt very lonely when it didn't ring.
Everyone's different but I feel anger or resentment towards friends who were pregnant when Tom died - I did find myself feeling angry with friends who shunned us afterwards, whether or not they had children.
Hugs to all three of you - I am all too aware that friends of people whose baby dies can be very profoundly affected by these things on all sorts of levels.
It's a shame Search is still knackered as Rhubarb's and other threads on this subject had lots of support and advice. SANDS can help your friend and give her advice and support after the birth and beyond. They were my lifeline.
If you want any more information for yourself or to pass on to her, you can contact me off-board if you want. Tom was found to have died at his 20 week scan too. It is a bloody hideous experience.

[suzywong]

Oh how awful, although sounds like you may be able to be a great help to her.
And YOU must not dwell on it Oliveoil, IYKWIM

[Kayleigh]

oliveoil, she sounds like a lovely person if she is worried about your feelings. I'm sure once you have broken the ice for the first time this won't be so hard. I agree with stripymouse that the sooner you see her the better as you will be less obviously pregnant.

Hugs to you. You must try not to let this affect your pregnancy. Look after yourself as, while you can feel sympathy for your friend, this should still be a happy time for you and your family.

[hana]

Olive Oil, what an awful thing for your friend. You've had some really good advice here, and I just want to add my own -

I was in your friend's position last summer, I was 2 weeks ahead of a friend (our first born are the same age, about 2.6) We started ttc at the same time and were so excited about going through our pregnancies together (only met after dd's were born) At 13 weeks I lost the baby. It was really difficult to see her after that, things were quite awkward between us for a long time. At the time, she sent a beautiful card that I still read time to time. About how it wasnt fair and that she would understand that things would be difficult between us and that she hoped we could work through it. To some extent however, things are still a bit funny. Her twins (doubly awkward as she has 2 healthy babies) are nearly 3 months old now, and just now am I able to pick them up and look at them. I had another m/c in late October and I'm sure if that hadn't happened I'd feel differently about her twins. What I don't want (or didn't want) was people's pity - I imagined that all sorts of people were talking about me, poor hana sort of thing. Talking about it certainly helped and remembering what happened. I kind of snuck out on our friendship for a while, it was just too painful for me. She was careful about not talking about her pregnancy in the beggining which helped. That was in June and things are a bit easier now. I still do thing though about how unfair it was. And is.

I hope the two of you can work this out, no one wants to be in this situation. You sound like a good friend. Best of luck.

[motherinferior]

I was in a similar position last year - friend had very bad news just as I was going public with my own pregnancy. I am so sorry for both of you. You've had brilliant advice here - take care.

[Marina]

Sorry Oliveoil, I meant to put "Everyone's different but I DIDN'T feel anger or resentment towards friends who were pregnant...". Rather changes the meaning of that sentence...

[Twinkie]

I think at times like this it is easier to think about others - I am sure she is feeling awful about you and how you are feeling and how you are going to relate to her - my sister did when she lost Miles - my cousin was also pregnant and its all my sister kept saying - how is *** going to feel about this - she will get so upset and start worrying.

Be her friend still - that is the most important thing - realise she may be a little distant or try and be over the top with regards to your baby - but as everyone advised me with my sister - just be at the end of the phone or perhaps send a card and then wait a few days and then ring her - she will probably find it hard to be the first to contact you!!

Somone mentioned that I could get my sister a keepsake box - I did and she loved it - maybe this is somethign you could get for your friend and her husband.

Sorry Honey - you must be feeling awful too XXX

[oliveoil]

Got a card a lunch, nearly bawled in the shop reading them all. Going to try and write a note now in work so I can post on the way home, hard keeping tears in here though, might have to wait till later. Thanks for all your messages.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Quackers]

Sad news OO. Like Hana, I too lost a baby when a friend was pg. I was 15 weeks and thought all was hunky dory, but it wasn't. Unfortunately I did feel very resentful towards pregnant women and I don't think my friend was very sensitive to my situation. Unlike you I have to say! You are very kind and considerate getting her a card and I know for sure that if my friend had done that, I could not feel half way as bad. It sounds like she wants to talk to you, so the card will really help get things going. You are obviously very fond of each other. Due dates and bad anniversaries will come and go for her and it will be tough, but keep being there for her, you haven't changed, just both your circumstances and one day she will have another baby and be grateful for all the support you will have given her! Good luck xxxx

[Janh]

And at least, OO, you of all her friends will never forget this baby that she's lost. That'll be worth a lot to her in times to come.

[Rhubarb]

How far gone was she OliveOil? I had a threatened miscarriage at 6 weeks and they couldn't find a heartbeat so I had to go back after a week to see if anything was still there or not. Luckily he was still there and they found his heartbeat.

However from your posts it sounds fairly definite. A friend of mine also lost her baby at 20 weeks whilst I was still pregnant. We went her some flowers and I phoned after about a week offering to look after her little girl whilst she had a rest. I think she appreciated that. We're still in touch and everything is fine, she adores my ds. So just be there for her but be prepared to back off every now and then too.

[Janh]

OO, this is the thread from when Rhubarb's friend lost her baby.

Have you spoken to your friend yet? Do you know how she's coping?

[marthamoo]

So sad My best friend lost her baby (miscarriage) two weeks after I gave birth to ds2. I did feel awkward, especially when she came round to see ds2 and she was holding him. But we talked about it all, we both cried - and we are still best friends. My advice would be just to talk, don't avoid the issue - the awkwardness lessens after a while. Send a card, by all means, but follow up in a couple of days with a phone call - don't leave it too long as that makes it harder, I think. Take care xx

[fisil]

Oliveoil, I am sorry. I think the card was the correct choice.

A colleague of mine, who started trying at the same time as me, came to tell me this week that she was pg. I think I must have just gone completely blank, as she told me for a second time and then I burst into tears. So I told her all about being in the middle of losing my baby. As people have already said, unfortunately I do feel jealous of her and others, but I know that is my problem, and nothing that they do can help it at all. I hope that she keeps on telling me about her pregnancy, and that she doesn't feel bad talking to me.

It is awkward though, but there is nothing you can do except continue to be a good friend. ((()))

[oliveoil]

My friend phoned yesterday, quite positive considering. She is trying to remain 'normal' for the sake of her 3 children but can't face the school/nursery run yet so her dh has taken the week off to help out. The staff at the hospital made a horrendous time bearable and they arrange a memorial each month for women who have lost babies so they will have the 'closure' of a funeral of some sort.

She doesn't resent me or my pregnancy but we have decided to play it by ear and if, when my baby arrives, she doesn't feel up to seeing me, I will understand. She is in such a better place than I would be in her position, SO proud of her.

Not sure if they are going to go for anymore children, this pregancy was a surprise but very wanted, she is 39 so is concerned about the higher risk of miscarriage etc due to her age and her dh understandably doesn't want her to go through this again.