Is it appropriate to say you want to attend a dying person's funeral?

(8 Posts)
Albaalba Mon 24-Feb-14 13:16:46

My best friend's mum is dying. For both my friend's sake (their father is already dead and they don't have a partner) and their mum's sake (I've known her years and like her very much) I want to support them as much as I can. Due to a past misunderstanding I want to make it clear that I am willing to do everything I can. I can manage that bit.

However I also want to make clear that I'd be willing to attend the funeral in any capacity (to help/be there for my friend who doesn't have anyone of their own to fall back on/just be there out of respect and love for their mum). It's a bit weird to say I want to go to the funeral when the person's not dead yet. Is it appropriate and how best to ask?

glasshouse Mon 24-Feb-14 13:24:05

As far as I know you don't have to ask to go to a funeral, you just go. I would ask your friend if there is anything that she would like to you arrange or help with.

Albaalba Mon 24-Feb-14 13:30:20

Thanks glasshouse. I realise I could just turn up but I am (1) not nearby so wouldn't necessarily hear about it in time and (2) they are intensely private and I wouldn't dream of intruding if they'd prefer not. So I want them to know that I'd be happy (prob not the right term) to go, and would like to know about it. My friend's reaction to bereavement is to hide away.

sleepyhead Mon 24-Feb-14 13:32:02

No. I don't think it's at all appropriate to talk about the funeral before the person dies, unless they bring up the subject themselves.

Lottiedoubtie Mon 24-Feb-14 13:35:38

I agree ^

Keep in contact with your friend, offer empathy and practical help as much as you are able.

When the death happens people will naturally let you know.

Albaalba Mon 24-Feb-14 13:45:02

I wasn't let know for the father's funeral so sadly didn't attend or send any condolences. My friend hides away so there's no guarantee I would know in time. As I said, there was a misunderstanding last time - my friend asked me to leave them alone to deal with stuff, I did out of respect for their wishes, but later it turned out they had wanted me... They felt abandoned, I felt terrible about it. So I won't be pushed away this time.

Notify Mon 24-Feb-14 13:45:29

If you keep in touch regularly and are genuinely "there" for them you will be told when she dies. That's when you ask about funeral arrangements.

Why do you think you might not hear? I can't imagine my dying and not telling my best friend - especially if I didn't have anyone else.

Notify Mon 24-Feb-14 13:45:54

Sorry X-post

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