Loss, love and lack of support

(277 Posts)
Mojito100 Thu 06-Feb-14 13:56:54

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

LilyTheSavage Fri 26-Jun-15 19:25:21

All these days that our precious children aren't here with children aren't here with us. How it hurts. How wrong it is.

Sending you love and cake and flowers

Mojito100 Wed 24-Jun-15 13:16:12

It's the little things that can hit you hardest some days. Another birthday passed (mine yesterday) and another opportunity that DD didn't have to make me a card or share in ice cream cake with the kids. Missing you always darling girl.

Mojito100 Tue 09-Jun-15 12:27:28

You are right we don't have alternatives and just manage as best we can. I also think I am quite selfish.

This roller coaster ride really does my head in at times. Having been flat and out of sorts the last few days I was driving home from work today and had an overwhelming sense of elation. I know it was because I was going to see DS but I just wish I didn't swing from up to down and back again. It's hard to adjust to but also brings other things with it, like do I have a right to feel elation as DD is now gone. The simple answer from those who haven't lost a child is yes but it's just not that simple really.

Still gritting my teeth but I am much more aware of it now and trying to pick my trigger points.

LilyTheSavage Tue 09-Jun-15 06:04:52

Keeping breathing one breath at a time. Keep walking one step after another. It's bizarre how the things that before you wouldn't have even noticed now have the power to impact on you and really through you right off your stride. I find that I over-react, I'm over-sensitive and sometimes really quite irrational. I take things personally and am probably quite selfish. I just do as much as I can do to keep going. We don't have any alternative sometimes.

flowers

Mojito100 Mon 08-Jun-15 13:46:25

Still all upside down and inside out at the moment. It's amazing how much the loss of a child impacts you and not just relating to grief. What makes me feel secure now is so different to before and the fears and worries are amplified. It's enough just trying to deal with the loss let alone all the other stuff heaped on top.

One step, one breath at a time I know but sometimes anxiety just takes over.

LilyTheSavage Sun 07-Jun-15 07:18:40

Hi Mojito.
Very glad you went to the dentist.

I've been having that sense of dread as well. I'd like to wrap them up and keep them close and safe.

I know what you mean about wanting time to pass. Every day towards the evening I feel glad that it's nearly time to go to bed and another day passed and done. I shouldn't waste my life away but it feels incomplete. And just wrong.

Sending you a gentle hug. XXX

Mojito100 Sat 06-Jun-15 11:59:13

Still feeling flat today. Missing my DD which just leaves me with an empty feeling and wanting the time to just pass me by. It's hard to explain I just feel disconnected from the world.

Mojito100 Fri 05-Jun-15 14:47:36

One of those weird feelings late today. Just feeling that huge sense of loss or dread. Needing to hug the boys close and feel they are with me.

Mojito100 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:04:10

Finally went to dentist today. 3 fillings later all was good I did discuss the gritting of my teeth when stressed and they recommend a teeth gaurs so I'll get that next visit.

Boys all good and I just feel so privileged and lucky to have them in my life.

LilyTheSavage Thu 28-May-15 12:43:11

One small blip isn't the end of the world. In fact, if you've only just found out about it now then it must have been pretty minor. He's done so brilliantly so please don't let this get out of proportion.

You've been doing brilliantly yourself so hang in there. Blocking the emotions is fine for the moment as it does mean that you've been able to support DS2 more calmly. You know how good that's been and you've loved it.

Be gentle and kind to yourself . flowers XXX

Mojito100 Mon 25-May-15 13:16:58

After all the wonderful news about DS2 he had a blip on the radar last week that I have only just found out about.

After my super shiner Saturday I was flat today and this has just made me feel flatter. I'm not letting it overshadow all the amazing things he has done this year.

I have needed a good cry and had one today in my CAHMS session. It was good to cry and feel the emotions. The anti-d's block these so much. It's the one thing I wish they didn't do.

Got an email from school about his behaviour and it is the first this year. My heart dropped like it normally does. Up and down the rollercoaster we go.

LilyTheSavage Sat 23-May-15 08:11:19

That's just fantastic. I'm so glad you've got that safety-net of an additional layer of support back again.

DS2 has made huge strides and it's all down to you and how you are supporting him. I hope he sees the progress he's made and is proud of himself too. star

Hurrah for the super-shiney days. brew cake

Mojito100 Thu 21-May-15 11:48:29

A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel 10 stone lighter. Mum came home from her holiday and it is just so wonderful to have her close again. DS2 is still showing me milestone achievements I wondered if I would ever see. They aren't noticeable to anyone else but to me it is as though he has climbed a mountain each time I see one of his changes in action. DS1 remains a superstar as he always has been. I have my loving boy back who is happy to give me cuddles even though he is a teenager. Today I am super shineysmile.

Mojito100 Mon 18-May-15 12:15:59

The cake looked amazing.

Mojito100 Mon 18-May-15 12:15:23

Slightly more prepared this week as got through a heap of work emails yesterday which eased a bit of the load. All good here at the moment.

LilyTheSavage Mon 18-May-15 08:37:09

It's great that the boys have hockey to get them out and about. I do believe that playing sport is great therapy (if you are sporty) and benefits so much. I'm glad that you're involved as well.

We had friends to lunch yesterday and I made tarte au chocolat for pudding and made a heart on the top when I sprinkled the icing sugar on. I thought of our babies.

I hope you had a peaceful day and are ready for the next onslaught of the week.

Sending love.

flowers

Mojito100 Sat 16-May-15 13:21:29

Another win at hockey. How wonderful for the boys. Especially after last years dismal results. We have a wonderful coach who is making such a difference. I sat in the pouring rain with my wellies on all rugged up and enjoyed every minute of it. I'm team manager which means my bossiness is put to good use and I get to keep score too.

I thought of your boys lily while at the ground knowing they enjoyed hockey too. I take my coffee in my thermos so had some lovely thoughts of Paddy while there.

LilyTheSavage Sat 16-May-15 08:05:12

Glad you're feeling a bit shinier this morning. I love watching my boys play hockey too but I didn't understand the rules. I had to learn what to shout and cheer about. I've got pain au chocolat in the oven for my DH and I'm going to make a second cup of coffee. It will be raised to you and your DD. Have a good day. XXXX

Mojito100 Sat 16-May-15 00:05:16

Feeling better this morning and ready to face the world. Off to hockey as both boys play and even though I don't understand the rules I love being there. I do enjoy weekend sport. Baking this weekend as we have rain at last which is desperately needed. It's a good excuse to stay in doors. I'll be raiding my cup to all our loved ones.

LilyTheSavage Fri 15-May-15 20:05:27

It's like a roller coaster isn't it. I sometimes feel I need to cry and sometimes I just can't. I hope you feel a bit better and shinier tomorrow.

Sometimes just going with the flow is as much as we can manage. You deal with so much and juggle so many things that I'm in awe of you. The way you keep DS1 and DS2 going and help them is wonderful. But what else would you do.

Sending you huge hugs and wine

Mojito100 Fri 15-May-15 09:47:56

Hit the wall today. Some days it just comes over you in a wave. I've needed a good cry the last couple of days but just haven't been able to. I have taken myself off to bed with some strong headache tablets and left the kids with their iPads and junk food. We are all happy. I need some fiwn time and they have a night off homework. Sons days it is whatever helps you make through the day.

Mojito100 Wed 13-May-15 23:20:08

He is a star. I'll dance with you. I was so proud of him

LilyTheSavage Wed 13-May-15 15:09:17

I feel like dancing around the kitchen and cheering. Woohoo! That's such a giant step for DS2. Isn't he doing brilliantly. star star star

Mojito100 Wed 13-May-15 13:16:20

A minor miracle occurred this week. I had a meeting Monday night so had a babysitter in. dS2 chose to sleep in his own bed and even fell asleep there before I got back. This is amazing as generally he will not fall asleep until I home and in bed next to him. The next night he tried going to sleep in his own room but came downstairs s couple of times. He had a lot racing through his little mind and you could sense the anxiety in him. All credit to him for trying on Tuesday night. I ended up on a mattress on the floor which was fine. Monumental steps considering where we were 6 months ago.

jenmac22 Sun 10-May-15 14:09:25

And a beautiful, loving mum you are mojito, and how lucky your boys will feel tooxxx

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