Loss, love and lack of support

(167 Posts)
Mojito100 Thu 06-Feb-14 13:56:54

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

LilyTheSavage Sun 25-Jan-15 13:56:53

Hi Mojito.
How's your weekend?
Fancy a brew?

LilyTheSavage Wed 21-Jan-15 20:58:15

Keep that mask in place and let it slip when you need to. You're being so strong for your DSs and this is helping them I know. Be kind and gentle to yourself as well.
Sending you lots of love.

Mojito100 Tue 20-Jan-15 18:27:35

Getting on with things here. Still feel quite numb but finally having some tears tonight. I need them and they just won't come. Next week is the anniversary of DD's passing and a few weeks after that her birthday. The mask is in heavy use at the moment and luckily working well.

LilyTheSavage Sat 17-Jan-15 07:35:42

I will join you.

Mojito100 Fri 16-Jan-15 22:08:44

Just feel like hibernating at the moment.

LilyTheSavage Mon 12-Jan-15 15:46:54

Enjoy the time with them.

I've been thinking about you and hoping that your DSs are enjoying their break. Let's hope for another good term from DS2. He did so well before Christmas. thanks

Mojito100 Mon 12-Jan-15 12:09:51

Two weeks left of school holidays here. It's bern a great break for all of us. Let's hope 2015 is as good as the end of 2014.

LilyTheSavage Mon 05-Jan-15 09:20:32

Maybe one day you'll get lucky!!!

The sound of the kids playing and just chilling is lovely and life-affirming. Enjoy.

Look after yourself.

Mojito100 Sat 03-Jan-15 13:29:09

No..... Not lucky at all. Getting on with things here and filling the house with kids for sleepovers etc.

LilyTheSavage Sat 03-Jan-15 12:32:02

Hi Mojito. Sorry you're feeling so tired all the time. Grief is exhausting isn't it, and the ADs must surely have a part to play in it too. If I'm awake in the night I have to put the light on and read, or go and make tea. I'm usually on my own as my DH works overseas so that's ok. He's here at the moment so if I'm feeling wakeful I get up and go elsewhere so I don't disturb him. No point in both of us being awake.

Strange to have a dream about your exh. I guess that as you haven't posted again you weren't lucky!

Look after yourself. xx

Mojito100 Fri 02-Jan-15 10:09:03

I am just so constantly tired at the moment. I think it is the anti-d's. It's 6pm here and I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer so have hopped into bed. I seem to keep waking up at 3am every morning but can go back go sleep.

Had a weird dream last night about exh. Luckily I can't remember it clearly just that I woke up feeling very uncomfortable. This morning I was hoping it was a sign he hadn't survived the night in jail. Unfortunately I don't think I can be that lucky.

LilyTheSavage Wed 31-Dec-14 14:51:29

Glad you're ok Mojito. Hang in there.

Sending you lots of love for a happy (if possible) and peaceful 2015.

Mojito100 Wed 31-Dec-14 13:19:12

Managing at the moment. I was thinking of you and Paddy this morning sitting in my chair. Not too sad which is due to the anti-d's but I'm interested to see how things go in January and February. Maybe I'll stay numb.

LilyTheSavage Tue 30-Dec-14 12:29:58

How are you doing? Thought of you this morning and raised my coffee cup - as I know you do to me! brew

LilyTheSavage Fri 26-Dec-14 21:10:17

Phew! And we made it through to the other side. I'm glad you had a peaceful time but could enjoy your DSs' excitement. They should really be able to enjoy their childhood even if it has been tainted by the loss of their sister.

Keep breathing. One breath after another.... and repeat..... I'm here to listen and talk.

Mojito100 Fri 26-Dec-14 14:15:20

Christmas was as peaceful as it could be with young kids. It does help having their enthusiasm and excitement around as I take such joy in the fact they have their lives to live even if DD doesn't. It's only by the grace of others that they do.

I couldn't make the cemetery on Christmas Eve so lit a beautiful candle at home for DD. I went up on Christmas day which was actually lovely and just right. I'm happy Christmas is over and will pack everything up tomorrow. Now we move towards the dark time which all I can do is persevere through.

LilyTheSavage Thu 25-Dec-14 01:11:46

I lit a candle and thought of you and your DD and the boys.

Hoping you have a peaceful Christmas. Much love.

LilyTheSavage Wed 24-Dec-14 14:06:14

I will think of you and your darling DD when we light our candles tonight by Paddy's grave. I am going to make a big and beautiful flower arrangement to take as well and I shall put in a spring of lilies with her name in my heart. Sweet dreams. xxx

Mojito100 Wed 24-Dec-14 13:31:02

Lit a candle for my beautiful DD today and feel content having done so. Naturally wishing she was here with me. Will hold her close in my thoughts tonight as I drift off to sleep.

LilyTheSavage Mon 22-Dec-14 22:51:00

Not silly things at all. It's funny how the most obscure things can trigger memories and provoke an avalanche of tears or laughter and sometimes both.

Sending you love.

Mojito100 Mon 22-Dec-14 22:04:33

Had a sad day late yesterday. Had to buy a new BBQ as mine has finally given up the ghost. Put the new one together and then realised I needed to get rid of the old one. As silly as this sounds I had the old one when DD was alive so it is something else I now have to get rid of that has memories of her attached to it. It's the silly things like this that really hit you as it's another little reminder of them not being here, you aren't able to make new memories with them and that life is continuing to move forward when all you want is to go back to when they were alive.

LilyTheSavage Sun 21-Dec-14 10:22:25

Glad you're managing. I'm very up and down at the moment and am finding it tough.

Hope you've got lots of lovely stuff planned for your boys. XX

Mojito100 Sat 20-Dec-14 22:20:13

Still managing ok at the moment.

LilyTheSavage Sun 14-Dec-14 11:45:05

Your lovely post made me fsmile. I'm so pleased to hear you in such great form. Enjoy these precious times. It's great that you have recognised and found something that will help you to help DS2 make such a difference. Sooner or later his behaviour could become "the norm" or "habit".

I'm glad you like the candle idea and am really happy to share it with you. I'll think of you and your DD when we're in the churchyard late on Christmas Eve.

Let me know about the inquest if you feel you can.

Thinking of you very often. XXX

Mojito100 Sat 13-Dec-14 14:10:43

Hi Lily, was thinking of you and Paddy today. Raised my coffee cup to him while I was sitting on the couch doing tapestry and taking it easy. It's my meditation.

I am loving the holidays. One more week of work then I have two weeks off. Ds2 is just a dream at the moment. I don't tend to give him a Ritalin if he is home with me as he manages in this environment without it. He's such a joy bouncing on the trampoline and full of hugs for me.

I really think the anti-d's are making such a difference to all of our lives as everything is as perfect as it can be. So much love from DS1 and DS2. I am so lucky to have them with me and cherish them so much.

I am taking my niece with me to the cemetery on Christmas eve. I love the idea of lighting a candle for DD. My sister-in-law (she was an ex but I adored her always and remained close) passed away suddenly nearly 2 years ago my niece handles this loss in the same way I handle mine. Her mums grave is not too far from DD and she is happy I said I was going and she will come with me.

I hope you are ok at the moment. It's tough I know.

I had a call about the coroner potentially holding an inquest into DD's passing so will find out more and update you.

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