Loss, love and lack of support

(341 Posts)
Mojito100 Thu 06-Feb-14 13:56:54

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

LilyTheSavage Mon 30-May-16 07:58:21

I know what you mean.

Trying to get a balance between allowing yourself to grieve and keeping going for the sake of the others is exhausting. I sometimes feel that I really need a good sob but it just doesn't come, and then other times it's overwhelming.

I don't like being broken.

Mojito100 Tue 24-May-16 12:01:39

Still having thoughts about the garden. I think I hesitate because it's just another sign of her not being here. Up and down at the moment neither good nor bad. Often both and just trying to balance it all as best I can.

LilyTheSavage Wed 20-Apr-16 08:17:54

Coffee cup is at the ready. Thinking of you and your dd and sending love. It's a beautiful bright and sunny spring day here (but also quite chilly at the same time).

I'd like to do some baking but the danger is that I'd eat it all.

Did you have any further thoughts about your memorial garden?

Much love. XXX

Mojito100 Sat 02-Apr-16 14:52:43

I just needed that message and to think of you having your coffee. Not to sad today but just that undercurrent of sadness that tinges all you experience sitting with me today.

I'm baking tomorrow. I think I bake when I need to shift the emotions. Hockey is just about to start for us and whilst watching the A grade men tonight I thought of Paddy and Will.

Did Rory play hockey too?

I can see Paddy so clearly when I'm at the hockey from the photos you sent. Take care and I hope your garden brings some solace this weekend.

LilyTheSavage Sat 02-Apr-16 09:00:51

I'm still sitting in bed like a big lazy slug but I have a cup of coffee..... just lifted it to you and your DD. Sending love.

LilyTheSavage Mon 28-Mar-16 10:07:52

Hi Mojito

Thank you as always for your thoughts. I now think of you and your DD when I see Victoria Sponge.... as well as Paddy. Bitter sweet.

I'll be really interested to see what you come up with for your garden memorial. What about a garden with scented flowers and plants to attract butterflies. Some people think that butterflies are a symbol and evoke our darling children. You could have climbers if it was against a wall or fence or maybe even a small water feature to attract more wildlife. Just a thought. So hard.

Sending love flowers cake

Mojito100 Mon 28-Mar-16 00:45:06

I'm off to have coffee and think of you and Paddy in a minute. I need that reflection time. I find if I don't have it that the emotions bottle up and overflow quite quickly.

I'm just in the process of choosing what I want in my garden as a memorial to DD. It's hard to find something that is fitting and remains another reminder of the fact I can't snuggle up with her and just hold her.

LilyTheSavage Wed 16-Mar-16 13:38:48

I was thinking of you and your DD while I was out in the garden this morning. I had on a horrid old boiler suit (think workman) and boots and hat and I sat grubbing about in the earth. Nice image? Hope you got the lovely positive thoughts I was sending your way.

Glad things are a bit calmer and hope you and DS2 can find a way towards the next stage. Well done for taking your meds. It obviously makes a difference and the fact that you can see and recognise that they help is important. cake

Mojito100 Wed 16-Mar-16 11:29:18

The sponge is very great fully received and Paddy is in my thoughts as always. Things are calmer here now that I am taking my meds as prescribed and not assuming I knew better!

Boys are good. We're hanging out for Easter and a bit of time off. Started with CAMHS and my first session was basically one of tears. Hopefully this weeks session will he focussed more on DS2 and how to get to the next stage.

LilyTheSavage Wed 16-Mar-16 06:16:45

Just checking in with you. Hope things are a little calmer and you feel more under control again.

Sending cake - Victoria sandwich obviously and much love.

Mojito100 Sun 06-Mar-16 07:41:29

Thank you. CAMHS are an amazing support to me too. They give me do many strategies to help DS and also allow me a place to talk.

They will give me some recommendations of people to see so I will investigate those.

LilyTheSavage Sat 05-Mar-16 19:32:52

Oh Mojito. You sound exhausted. Well done for restarting CAMHS. Thank goodness DS2 was willing to talk and engage. That's a positive step.

Can you get help from them too?

I can only imagine how are you feeling at the prospect of dealing with DD's death. Have you got anyone who will help you to make those first terrifying steps? You can't do that alone I think. I'm only at the end of a keyboard, but I'm holding your hand.

Sending love. flowers

Mojito100 Fri 04-Mar-16 11:50:03

I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment. My head and my emotions seem to be such a jumble that I just can't sort out. It hurts at the moment.

This week was exhausting and a real struggle every moment of every day.

We started back at CAMHS today. I know it will be good for both of us. It was amazing watching DS2 actually sit in his chair and talk about his emotions. He used to hide under or behind things because it was just so hard for him.

He is doing brilliantly but I really think it is me that needs the help from CAMHS. I feel like I have regressed a little bit which is why he is slipping too.

I think it's time to truly deal with the loss of DD but it terrifies me. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to actually do it. The only thing that has held me together this far is being strong. To find I'm not might just completely undo me.

LilyTheSavage Mon 15-Feb-16 02:52:34

I hope you remember your dream. I wish I could dream of Paddy. sad

Mojito100 Sun 14-Feb-16 21:52:43

I dreamt of her all last night. It's the first time that has ever happened. What a headache I have this morning. Wish I could remember the dreams but they are fading now it is morning.

Mojito100 Sun 14-Feb-16 21:51:35

Kickboxing sounds like just what I need at the moment. I'll look into it.

LilyTheSavage Sun 14-Feb-16 18:19:03

Why do you think you need to be strong, more organised and more controlled? Allow yourself the luxury of mourning your darling girl.

It's so tough seeing their friends passing all the milestones and one person missing.

Try kickboxing - I am trying it now and whacking three shades of hell out of a punchbag is really therapeutic. XXXX

Mojito100 Sun 14-Feb-16 12:13:19

I thought I was stronger this year. More organised and trying to control my emotions. What a farce of a thought that was. It hurts today as much as it hurt the day she passed.

She would be in high school this year. She missed the first day of school and now so much time has passed she has missed all of primary school.

I want to hit out at someone or something. I feel unusually angry at all she has missed. It sounds like whining but it isn't fair.

timelytess Sun 14-Feb-16 11:36:51


LilyTheSavage Sun 14-Feb-16 11:31:21

I was thinking of you too. flowers cake wine

Mojito100 Sat 13-Feb-16 22:50:08

Happy birthday beautiful girl. Thursday was the day. The boys and I remembered you. You never left my mind all day. I couldn't help but feel your hand holding mine as it used to. I love you.

LilyTheSavage Tue 02-Feb-16 06:24:05

Thinking of you as always and send love and hugs my dear friend. flowers

I shall light candles tonight and raise a glass to your darling girl.


jenmac22 Fri 29-Jan-16 06:39:39

Thinking of you and your darling children, sending love, and hugs Mojito xxx

Mojito100 Thu 28-Jan-16 22:50:25

7 years today you have now been gone my beautiful girl. I miss you every single day. You are always in my thoughts. You were taken from all of us through no fault if your own and suffered so needlessly. I wish I could have saved you and I'm sorry every day. I love you and always will.

Mojito100 Tue 26-Jan-16 09:08:55

Thanks Jen. I'm about to check in on your page. I have been absent for so long it's time to get back in touch.

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