Loss, love and lack of support

(124 Posts)
Mojito100 Thu 06-Feb-14 13:56:54

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

Mojito100 Fri 28-Mar-14 16:09:46

Thought I would post to say I had been meaning to put a photo of my DD on my new computer as a desktop picture. I found such a beautiful one today and got myself organised. It has brought some tears as sitting at my desk looking into her truly beautiful brown eyes and her cheeky grin just made me want to hug her. Whenever I think of hugging her it reminds me if sitting in the hospital with her and having to tell them they could turn off the life support machine. I held her in my arms as she passed away and just wished for that not to be the case.

I can still see everything so vividly in my mind and feel absolutely everything about that day. The most horrific experience of my life. I just want to turn the clock back.

LilyTheSavage Mon 31-Mar-14 10:37:36

Hi mojito. Hope you survived yesterday ok.... in fact, do you celebrate UK Mothers' Day?
Like you I often think of that hideous day when my DS died, followed quickly by the day of his funeral. It helps me to keep really busy.
How's your DS getting on? Does he break up for Easter soon?
Be gentle to yourself. cake

Mojito100 Mon 31-Mar-14 17:17:40

Lily, we have Mother's Day in May so mine is yet to come.

There really is nothing worse than thinking of your loved ones last time on earth is there? The thoughts do make you push them to one side and occupy yourself with other tasks.

I am proud to say DS2 is doing well. His outbursts seem further apart than last year and I had a parent teacher meeting tonight which was the most positive I have had to date. Don't worry there will be another outburst I'm sure as that is his nature but I'm so proud of how he is growing.

He seems to be really thriving at school for the first time and I can start to see things clicking into place for him. It is just such a beautiful thing and really does make my heart fill with so much love and pride it just might burst.

We are just starting CBT therapy so I am expecting a rocky road for awhile as that will bring up many anxieties which he will need to confront. I'll keep you posted on here rather than the general thread we are all on.

DS1 is going well but I am just starting to get the onset of teenager syndrome so I'll come back to you for advice when needed.

Easter will soon be here and school breaks for us in 2 weeks. I am just hoping DS2 can make it to the school holidays without incident.

I still find the love you have for your children to be truly amazing. It is just so overwhelming and complete there aren't words to describe it. I will forever have that love for DD and am reminded of it whenever I see my boys and how I feel about them. For each of their individual personalities I love them so dearly and no matter how hard it feels at times they are worth every minute.

LilyTheSavage Tue 01-Apr-14 08:25:45

Your right about thinking..... but on the other hand I sometimes think that when I'm feeling sad and thinking about Paddy, at least it means he's in my thoughts. I don't quite have space for happy thoughts about him yet. If I try and think of happy things the sad/bad things come crowding into my head and push the happy thoughts out.
I'm so glad your DS2 is doing well. It could also be just how he's grieving and his behaviour will improve in time. He's lucky to have you there supporting him. It's wonderful to see things clicking into place. Enjoy those moments. My DS3 said that CBT has helped him a lot dealing with his brother's death.
I've got DS3 home now for the holidays from uni. He's been busy revising as it's his second year exams and they count towards his finals. I'm really proud of him and DS1 for their great work ethic.

Go and give your boys a big hug and then have wine or brew

LilyTheSavage Fri 04-Apr-14 22:18:18

How're you doing? xx

Mojito100 Sat 05-Apr-14 11:36:04

Doing ok at the moment. Five years on and I still have a cry almost every day. It's not always the great wracking sobs of early days but a few tears are shed in her memory. I don't fight it as like you I would rather have her in my thoughts than not. What I want is to have the wonderful memories if her come to the fore rather than those terrible thoughts about her last minutes.

DS2 is still On track. We have a week left of school and I am hoping he can make it through without another incident. I have bought him a Lego as I am proud of him. He has had many less challenges than previous years this term even though he has been more extreme when he has lost it. We have started the CBT for him so I will be interested to see if it helps and if it makes him worse in the first instance. I think I expect it to be like a flu shot. Where you get the flu after the shot to stop you getting it worse later on.

Other than that things are like normal and the mask is easier to wear at the moment.

LilyTheSavage Sat 05-Apr-14 12:25:13

I'm glad your mask isn't too heavy just now. And I'm especially glad that your DS2 is on track. That's really great.

Have a good weekend.

Mojito100 Mon 07-Apr-14 17:05:35

Just thought I would say after 5 years without beautiful DD I can't seem to go a night without tears. I can't even go to sleep until I've had a cry. I've had tears as we all do over the past years but at the moment not a day goes by without my heart breaking even further than it already has. I just want her back.

LilyTheSavage Tue 08-Apr-14 10:04:08

I sometimes feel like crying but I can't always.... and then other times there's no stopping me. Is it the same for you?
It truly is heart break. XXX

Mojito100 Wed 09-Apr-14 00:16:35

Lily, it's the same for me and it is heartbreaking.

LilyTheSavage Thu 10-Apr-14 10:43:37

The anti-depressants that I take at least ensure that I can get to sleep. Even a chemically induced sleep is better than the horror-filled dreams that I have without it. Feeling a bit groggy in the afternoons is a small price to pay.

The days are worse than the nights for me. I am conscious and my mind wanders straight back to DS2. Memories go straight to his death, seeing him in the hospital mortuary, visiting him in the chapel of rest and then his funeral. I still wonder what he was doing and how it happened. I wish I could think that it will be easier to cope with. There is no space in my mind for good memories. The bad memories crowd the good ones straight out.

Mojito100 Thu 10-Apr-14 15:31:17

All my love and hugs to you Lily. The ache you have is terrifying, draining and just bloody unfair. If I could give him back to you I would. The unknown is unbearable and the knowledge that you weren't there is something so hard to live with. I feel the same about my DD.

Five years on and as soon as a happy thought of her enters my mind it is cruelly crowded out by what I imagine her last minutes were. Those horrific thoughts don't fade or become less frequent. One thing that helps a little is I can imagine holding her in my arms and feel her presence. It's silly because as soon as I feel this the next horrible thought I have is if holding her as the life support is turned off.

All I can say is that I hope over time you can remember your precious memories without the horrible ones crowding in. Hugs , hugs, hugs, hugs.

LilyTheSavage Thu 10-Apr-14 16:15:01

Your thoughts largely echo mine.

Let's hope the time comes when we can both look back on happy memories.

Hugs hugs hugs to you too. XXx

LilyTheSavage Wed 16-Apr-14 07:43:09

Hi mojito.

I hoe your psych session goes well today. Don't worry if you can't say everything you need to say in one session. There's time for more.

Sending you love. XX

Mojito100 Thu 17-Apr-14 14:07:42

Thought I would update you re session with psych today. Lots of tears but then there always are as my thoughts skitter around the memories and thoughts if her.

We spoke about creating a ritual that may help. She asked if I spoke to DD often which I don't really. It hurts a lot to have a conversation with her when she isn't here. It just makes it feel so bleak as I want her to be here and not gone.

having a ritual may create the moments where I can talk to her and also create a time for the boys and I to talk about her together. I think this may help. Psych suggested maybe a special spot in the garden that the boys and I create together. This way she is a part of the house we are in now as she wasn't able to share this with us. we can be in that space alone if we wish and at special times together, maybe lighting a candle for her and sharing our memories.

I think this is as important for me as it is for the boys. My eldest holds everything in as he was there when his father took her life. He has always been so protective of his father. I want him to know it is important to remember people, that it is normal and not to shy away from these things. I don't talk about her much as there isn't really anyone where we live that knew her so they don't hear me doing it enough. The trick is to balance the conversations as I don't want them to feel forced or be uncomfortable for the boys.

So over the next few months I think I'll try talking to DD more and also work on creating a special place for her at home.

Thanks for listening.

thedaymylifestoodstill Thu 17-Apr-14 17:18:46

Mojito, hugs to you.

I think that is an excellent idea. We're here for you. I'm not doing so good with words today, but I'm here x

Mojito100 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:57:35

Thanks lily, just knowing people are there helps. Sometimes there just aren't the right words.

LilyTheSavage Thu 17-Apr-14 21:25:24

I'm glad you're ok. I was thinking of you. I am beside myself with tiredness right now, so anything I say won't make sense (any more than usual), but I know you're getting up now and I didn't want to read and run.... and you think I hadn't seen. I'll reply properly in the morning. Hope you don't mind. XXXX

LilyTheSavage Fri 18-Apr-14 11:47:08

Morning. Here I am again!
Your idea of creating a ritual is something that I'd find very interesting, but I don't know that my sons would like it. I think they'd feel it's a bit forced for them. I hope it works for you though. Maybe yours are young enough that it would work for them. It might help your DS to give him a "safe place" where he can talk. Your situation is so different to mine, but yet so much is the same. I'm about to move to a new house and it's the first home we'll have had without DS2. I'm feeling quite odd about it. That must have been hard for you too.
Hope today is peaceful for you.

Mojito100 Fri 18-Apr-14 15:55:28

Thanks lily, I think a special place for your Paddy in the new house would be lovely for you to have. Remember it's five years on for me and I'm only just able to start working through some of this. I would say do what feels right for you. I get what you mean about your boys, however, they may also want somewhere other than the cemetery to go. They may want to you help create it as a special place for you. I'm sure they are as worried about you as you are of them. They nay use it or never at all.

The interesting thing for me was the discussion with the psych about how our culture doesn't really create ongoing rituals for those that have passed after the funeral and wake yet other cultures do. This made me sit back snd think. The psych did suggest a couple of things but she did suggest a few times having something that can change or move. Her suggestion was to have a bowl with sand that you light a candle, or more than one, and place it in the sand and as you do remember out loud something special about her. She suggested the boys could have rocks or pebbles that they can move and change about. I'm going to give this a go but for myself I think I'll have something with water where I can light a candle and put it in a little paper boat to float about.

I need to be able to talk to her without it hurting so much. I need to tell her how sorry I am that I wasn't there to protect her as well as all the other wonderful things I miss about her.

LilyTheSavage Fri 18-Apr-14 17:17:34

You've give me so much to think about.
I really hope that making your special place and ritual will give you some peace of mind. A very dear friend of mine meditates but I think that for me that would just mean more sorrow. I've seen floating candles.... that might be soothing with the flame and the water.
Let me know how it goes.

LilyTheSavage Wed 23-Apr-14 07:27:37

Have a good trip and hope it's restful for you. XX

LilyTheSavage Wed 30-Apr-14 08:53:51

Hi Mojito.
How was your trip? Did you manage to have a good time? It's spring here and the lovely weather and green hedgerows give my spirits a much needed boost. How are you doing?
XX

Mojito100 Wed 30-Apr-14 15:23:19

Thanks for checking in. We had a wonderful time away but as you know there remains a hole which will never be filled and every activity as a family always feels empty without DD there. I'm good emotionally at the moment but just taking time out to process a range of things happening. Nothing major but as I'm a planner I am thinking about what's coming up and how to work through it.

DS2 is still good. He starts CBT therapy properly next week so the rocky road may start shortly after that. DS1 and I have had some good chats lately. He's at that stage where I need to change my parenting style so I'm not always telling him what to do but allowing him the opportunity to work it out himself. He's on the cusp of being a teenager and turning into an adult. He's such an amazing kid and promises to be a truly wonderful man.

LilyTheSavage Thu 01-May-14 12:18:22

Your post made me smile It sounds as if you're at a really good place at the moment as a family. Things are ok and everybody is just "being". A moment of peace and calm in the turmoil.

Planning is good as it gives you some structure and framework and you can keep in control (as much as we ever can).

I always think that as a parent one of the hardest things we do is letting our DC make their own decisions, and inevitably mistakes, and helping them to learn from that.

Hugs. XX

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