Dad wants me to meet a woman he has been seeing

(34 Posts)
footballagain Fri 31-Jan-14 23:57:19

Urgh. I don't know how to start this.........

It's next Friday.

Mum got her terminal diagnosis 26 months ago and passed away end October 2013. Before Christmas dad told me about a woman he had befriended. Then a month ago broached me meeting her. Next Friday.

I'm struggling with it. I don't want to lose my dad but I am finding this really tough.

I've got loads to say sometimes but have found myself completely tongue tied now I've tried to post about it!

I miss my mum.

Amandine29 Sat 01-Feb-14 00:02:18

I just wanted to say I completely understand how you feel. A similar thing happened to me when I was a teenager.

Would your dad be upset if you asked for more time? He must surely understand that it will be difficult for you.

Amandine29 Sat 01-Feb-14 00:03:58

I hope that didn't sound patronising. What I meant to say is that I know some people not in this position don't see the big deal. And it is a big deal.

Solo Sat 01-Feb-14 00:05:54

Goodness, it's still so raw and fresh for you...
In your place, I would have to say "not yet Dad, I'm still grieving my Mum."

Diamondjoan Sat 01-Feb-14 00:09:16

It's very soon after such a huge loss for you. He will surely understand a request for more time.

soundevenfruity Sat 01-Feb-14 00:10:09

I miss my mum too so am aware that different people grieve in different way. Why don't you tell your dad exactly what you said here: It's too soon for me. I don't want to offend you so please bear with me.

footballagain Sat 01-Feb-14 00:11:31

I don't know how to say that to him. My parents only came back to the uk a year before mums terminal diagnosis, they were expat for years so didnt have family/friends close by for support.

Amandine, you didn't sound patronising at all, thank you

footballagain Sat 01-Feb-14 00:16:29

What I mean by my last post is that I am the only close family for him. I think he knows it's a bit uncomfortable for me but I said I would merg her if it was important to him.

I'm trying to see it from his pov. I know how fucking awful it was to watch my mum die, I can't deny him trying to deal with that. And I can't deny him dealing with his grief in the way he needs to.

But it's just so tough. I feel very alone.

footballagain Sat 01-Feb-14 00:26:41

merg = meet

Just wanted to reply because I was in a similar situation almost 4 years ago.

My mum died in Jan 2010 & my dad started regularly visiting an old friend of theirs in March. I naively thought at first how nice it was for him to have some companionship, but a month or so later he said they were "more than friends". I was devastated as I was still grieving & coming to terms with my mums death.

Eventually my dad wanted me to meet his new "lady friend" (we live just over 2 hours apart so don't see each other regularly) & I refused. For the first time in my adult life, I actually slammed the phone down on him in floods of tears. He rang several days later to apologise. But I don't think he ever fully understood the pain I felt at him finding a new partner so quickly. I really struggled with my relationship with my dad for several months.

By August 2010 he was engaged & they got married in March 2011. In those early days I found their relationship so difficult to accept. However, I kept thinking that because I'd lost my mum, I refused to "lose" my dad too. And as time has passed, I have come to realise that it's great that he fell in love again aged 74 and has someone to share his life with once more, someone to go on holiday with etc. And she has spruced up his wardrobe, dragged him to the dentist & given him a renewed zest for life.

They are both very happy & she is actually a lovely lady who I get on well with. So I apologise for all this rambling, but I just wanted to share my story & say that I understand how very hard it is when your grief is so raw.

TaraKnowles Mon 03-Feb-14 00:33:50

So sorry for the loss of your mum.

lurkerspeaks Mon 03-Feb-14 10:29:40

He probably started to grieve during the time your Ma was dying.

It is still hard but more ex

lurkerspeaks Mon 03-Feb-14 10:39:18

Explicable if you look at it that way..

No easier to deal with though.

Sorry.

I think since it is so raw and painful for you, it would be better to tell him that it is too soon, rather than agree to meet her and maybe resent it. People do grieve in different ways, so there is nothing 'wrong' about him wanting to start a relationship. But equally there is nothing wrong or unsupportive in you finding it too soon for you to meet his new girlfriend/partner when you are still in the early stages of dealing with your own grief.

I think a bit of honesty, telling him what you've said here, is the best policy. "I'm glad that this is something good in your life, but meeting someone you are involved with is not something I'm ready for yet. That's nothing against her or against you having a relationship, and I'm sure as time passes I'll want to get to know her. Just not yet."

HavantGuard Mon 03-Feb-14 10:46:16

I'm so sorry for your loss.

For your father, maybe try saying that you are glad that he has found a friend and you would be very happy to meet them in the future, but that at the moment you would find it too upsetting and that's about your grief and not any judgement on him or reflection on her.

Firstly I am sorry for the loss of your mum.

I am hoping I may give you a slightly different view point on this.

We lost my mum 6 years ago, and I would have felt exactly like you do now at the time.

However 6 years on my dad is not over losing my mum, he has tried to kill himself 4 times and it will only be time until he tires it again. he drinks heavily too.
I would love for him to meet someone now ( and believe me I never thought I would say that) as it is so much more prefable to what we have.

I am not saying your dad would have gone the way of mine, and I suspect for you it feels too soon. But I just wanted to point out what else can happen.

So although you may not be happy about it, it might just be that your dad really needs someone.

HTH a bit

So sorry for the loss of your mum.

I am in the same boat - mum died in August 2010 and dad has a new girlfriend now who is absolutely besotted with. It pisses me off that (in my mind) he treats her better and spoils her more than he did my mum.

I have no interest in meeting her, she sounds awful. But.....I will have to at some stage but as he lives in Spain it's not going to happen soon and I am hoping they will split up before I have to endure her.

That sounds horrid but I do want him to meet someone and be happy, hate the thought of him being lonely...but I want him to meet someone nice and this person does not sound nice at all. He is just grateful she likes him, she is 11 years younger and he can't believe his luck.

footballagain Thu 06-Feb-14 23:00:35

Thank you for all your replies. I have read them all and have spoken to my dad since.

I told him I was struggling with it, that I didn't want to offend him or drive him away. He was upset and apologised and said he would cancel it. I know I always act the pragmatic one - practicalities first, feelings later type...... So I said no to cancelling so it is still going ahead tomorrow night.

You've all said some really insightful stuff. He was grieving for mum long before she went, he isn't used to being on his own and I know she has helped him through a difficult period. I am very aware that I have my husband, my brother has his partner and dad has no-one. He is also worried about being vulnerable. I worry he will retreat into himself.

Well, that's as far as I can go for now. My husband tried to talk to me about it again last night but I just can't at the moment. I am doing as much as I can right now. I had a couple of dreams about mum a couple of weeks ago that deeply affected me and I think they still are. They are fading a bit now, becoming a bit easier.

Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences and views with me but Im sorry that it was your own your loss that led you to reply. I really appreciate you all replying.

BIWI Thu 06-Feb-14 23:09:28

I'm very sorry for your loss. And I can totally, totally understand where you are coming from. No-one can replace your mum.

However, your dad is alone. And he, as you allude to, has had to deal with the loss of his partner for some time.

He deserves a life, and to be happy.

But - he also needs to be sensitive to you and the fact that you are still grieving for the loss of your mother.

My mum died almost 10 years ago, and my dad has been totally bereft since then. I would give anything for him to have found someone else, who could make him happy in the last years of his life. He is desperately lonely and unhappy, and I can't do anything to change that.

You are naturally mourning the loss of your mother, but please consider that your father needs to move on, and that it isn't wrong for him to do that. It doesn't mean that he didn't love your mother.

flowers

expatinscotland Thu 06-Feb-14 23:16:18

Tell him you need more time. He needs to understand, you just lost her 4 months ago and it's not all about him.

Well done for talking to him - it sounds like the two of you understand each other's feelings, so however you proceed from here at least you're clear on where you stand at the moment.

Thinking of you for tonight. I have no doubt it'll be difficult, but at least now your dad knows that it's the rawness which is the problem, not that you've taken offence, so if there are awkward moments then you'll both be able to accept that and hopefully it won't drive a wedge between you.

Be kind to yourself. Four months is nothing, and all sorts of things can throw you right back to the depths of it.

footballagain Sat 08-Feb-14 00:53:34

Well, it went ok and not so ok. I suppose as best as I could expect.

I'm really fucked off with my husband. I am prepared to be told I have been a complete bitch, if indeed I have. I can't actually see the woods from the trees anymore, about anything.

My dad's friend basically latched on to me (she and I were both nervous), and because I tried to make her at ease, my husband and father just spoke to each other for the first hour. Great, thanks.

Then we moved on to the restaurant. Again, she and I were sat next to each other. She was nice, I liked her, and I certainly didn't envy being in her place tonight. Then things took a bit of an odd turn. I am totally prepared to take criticism for my take on this.......she started to remark about how old the people in the restaurant were and how they could cater to a younger audience. I just said she should tell the management that a younger crowd would love it too. She then tried to drag me up on the 'dance floor' (a 4 foot square in the middle of restaurant tables), my husband and dad just thought this was hilarious so I had no choice. I fucking hate this type of thing but can bite my lip and go along with things when I have to.

On the walk home (dad and her have got cab), we bump into a colleague of mine. He proceeds to tell me about his friend who's wife died of cancer 2 months before my mum did - he's gone and moved in with another woman. His 23 year old daughter is struggling........I know the situation, I know the family involved. Then I get told it's not the same for me. Because I'm 37.

Wow. Thank you. I didn't realise grief was age contained.

And then I get home, try to express to my husband just how difficult tonight has, been just to be told that I'm being awkward.

I just wanted a hug.

FUCK YOU LIFE.

(Love you mum xxx)

pippop1 Sat 08-Feb-14 01:02:15

Of course grief is not age contained. Just ignore that idea.

It sounds as if the evening was very difficult for you. There is no need to think about seeing her in the near future so don't suggest it just to be polite if you don't want to.

Obviously she will never replace your Mum.

Take care.

footballagain Sat 08-Feb-14 01:08:39

Thank you pippop1

Sorry for the rant. Got it off my chest.

pippop1 Sat 08-Feb-14 01:21:07

I wondered if you might find bereavement counselling helpful? A non-judgemental ear to "rant" as you call it.

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