A thread for those who have lost a loved one a while ago and still struggling

(35 Posts)
takingnoprisoners Tue 28-Jan-14 11:50:14

I had a realisation this morning that nothing will make up for or replace my dear Dad who died in 2012. He was the one person in my life who was always there for me no matter what, he believed in me and my worth and gave me validation that I now have to live without. As I began another year without him it hit me that there is no going back, we don't get second chances and I have to find a way of keeping going. So I went to the Drs and I am now taking anti depressants, I have had counselling with Cruse and it helped but it wasn't enough. I feel like sadness has become my default emotion and I am so tired all the time. The grief doesn't go does it?
So here is a place for sharing the difficult times and hopefully some ideas on how to get through it one day at a time.

witchy5 Tue 28-Jan-14 14:17:24

Hello, big cuddles to you, I lost my dad in 2012 too and have had a rough ride since partly due to not dealing with the fact that such a huge part of my life is gone. It is very hard, I too am now on antidepressants which have helped an awful lot, I feel like I'm coming out of a dark tunnel and life is getting better.
I'm finding now that as long as I have a goal in focus that the grief isn't there so much, only hits hard on days where everything else isn't going so well! I try not to think of the last few months of his life as I am not ready to deal with it.
You will get through and it will start to feel less raw, I'm still grieving as well and think will that pain go away, it does some days, I have been told over and over it takes time, I do believe that but yes, it's hard.
Sorry not much help, just know exactly how you feel.

ssd Tue 28-Jan-14 17:23:42

totally agree op, I lost my mum in 2012 ans feel exactly the same as you, life goes on but its not the same.

ssd Tue 28-Jan-14 17:24:59

girls, have the anti depressants helped with grief? how does it change your feelings, or does it just help cope with them?

ssd Tue 28-Jan-14 17:31:23

can I ask you both, I'm now obsessed with death and how long we are here for, its always on my mind and every little ache and pain I get in my mind is something life threatening and I feel its now my time up, do any of you feel like this? feel like I'm going mad with worry and anxiety. I've been to cruse too, but it barely touched the surface.

takingnoprisoners Tue 28-Jan-14 19:04:00

Thanks witchy for your comforting words, they do help, and whilst time takes us further from the initial loss it also takes us further away from when the ones we loved were alive so it also makes things harder too.
Ssd I have only be taking the tablets for a couple of weeks so don't think they have made a big difference yet, I have been less tearful and felt a bit more numb about it all, spend a lot of time zoning out and staying in watching tv as that is all I feel like I can cope with. I get anxious too, more about my dcs than myself. As a single mum it feels like a big responsibility and without my dad here there is very little support for me in RL.

witchy5 Tue 28-Jan-14 20:54:30

I've been on antidepressants for three months now and although a very small amount each day I've found they have helped, I had got to the point where I would barely leave the house and absolutely everything upset me, not a good way to feel and not good for my poor children to see. I also take Kalms when I feel anxious or upset which helps.
Like you I am a single mum to five, I know how hard it is, luckily they are now all in school so I get some time to myself and make sure I'm outside for at least an hour or so everyday whatever the weather, really find it helps, I have set myself goals for the future and in doing this it has made a huge difference to my state of mind.
Ssd, I feel for you, it's hard to stop thinking about death and loose yourself in yourself iykwim, I was always against anti depressants but now I can see the benefit in the fact I can get through my day without a complete melt down over something trivial. Might be worthwhile discussing with your doctor, hope they offer some support too.

ssd Wed 29-Jan-14 10:19:05

I went to the dr but all they gave me was a leaflet about bereavement, dont think they had a clue. TBH I dont want anti'd's, I've avoided them for years...do the Kalms work witchy5?

LadyGreenTea Wed 29-Jan-14 10:34:35

My mother died in 2011, and I'm afraid I still feel as Witchy describes. I have a stock of amitryptaline to help with anxiety and let's me sleep uninterrupted, and also diazepam for short term anxiety.

My GP wanted to put me on anti-depressants, but I'm not keen. I take my pills as and when, I needed them often in the first year but only occasionally now.

I don't think the grief ever goes, but it's only been 3 years for me. I don't want to feel sad all the time, but I don't know how that can be changed unfortunately. But the waves of unbearable sadness do become less frequent as the years have passed, it's just a matter of adjusting and living with the loss isn't it? We carry the loss with us just as much as the love.

And yes, I constantly think about death too, not my own, but the others whom I love. I really have to work hard to switch off from that thought.

ssd Wed 29-Jan-14 10:40:05

feel a bit better to hear that ladygreen, I have felt lately I'm going a bit mad with it all,.maybe I'm just normal after all..can I ask what is amitryptaline and how do you get it?

sittingbythepoolwithenzo Wed 29-Jan-14 10:45:12

Hi everyone.

I just wanted to reassure you that, although you will always miss your parents terribly, and never truly come to terms with your loss, the feelings do change as time passes.

I lost my Dad in 2008. I think the second year was in many ways harder than the first. Gradually, however, you do start to live properly again and the waves of grief are much more muted and not so overwhelming.

I get sad sometimes, but the raw panic has stopped. The fuzzy, safe feeling has come back again, if you know what I mean.

Wishing you all well.

ssd Wed 29-Jan-14 10:50:21

yes, the safe feeling has gone, I feel adrift in the universe with no anchor and its horrible

LadyGreenTea Wed 29-Jan-14 11:30:51

The amitriptyline and diazepam were both prescribed by my gp, the amitriptyline is to help me sleep plus it kind of mutes everything the next day too (good thing sometimes).

takingnoprisoners Wed 29-Jan-14 22:15:49

I don't know if the anti ds will help but I do hope they will, would like to get that fuzzy safe feeling back at some point. Not had a good day had some news that I so wanted to be able to tell my Dad about, he would have been happy about it but now he is gone it is even more sad. I was told by a well meaning person that I have to accept this loss so I can move on but my response to that is that it is because I accept it that I am so sad all the time, it feels like there are no answers to anything anymore.

ssd Thu 30-Jan-14 11:28:12

yes, the move on comments are mega annoying.

sittingbythepoolwithenzo Thu 30-Jan-14 14:16:26

I found that the "coming to terms with it" thing actually meant that I came to terms with the idea that I would never actually come to term with it. Once I realised that, I did find some peace.

ssd Thu 30-Jan-14 14:48:50

I agree there sittingbythepool. at the cruse counselling I went to, the counsellor said theres 3 things to get through, "accepting, moving on and letting go". The accepting thing I thought I got quite quickly but it changes all the time, now its accepting the fact I'll always miss mum and dad and that part of my life is over. I cant ever feel I'll let go, that would be like letting them go and I just cant.

whitecloud Thu 30-Jan-14 17:06:26

Ladies - I lost my Dad in 2007 and my Mum in 2008. A lot of other things were difficult in my life and I suffered badly from panic attacks and depression until the end of 2011. I truly thought it would never end and I would never feel any better.

Things that helped me. I know I was lucky, but I was able to go for grief and bereavement counselling immediately after they died and CBT therapy later. I was able to look at my life and what had happened to me and to actually stop thinking that everything that had ever gone wrong was my fault. I somehow forced myself to keep going - believe me I know how difficult that is. I was also very careful about talking to people about it. Some people just shy away from bereavement and they are no help.

Also, people talk about "stages of grief". My experience was a lot more like going round in circles. The cruellest thing is when you feel a bit better and it doesn't last. Someone said "you don't work through bereavement, it works through you". I am certain that is true. And it is a very individual thing. Just because one person feels better in a year, you might not and it is not wrong to have a different experience. In our instant, throwaway society I sometimes think we expect to feel better from a major trauma far sooner than is really possible.

The counselling really helped me. I now appreciate everything good so much more and can see that trivialities are just that. I can truly say I feel a lot happier. So there is hope. I still miss my parents and feel sad sometimes, but the anniversaries have got easier now. Hope that this helps.

ssd Thu 30-Jan-14 19:04:10

I found I just went round and round in counselling, talking about the same thing over and over, but I think it helped with that, I only had 3 sessions and I found them really hard going., but I'm glad you are feeling more positive now whitecloud.

takingnoprisoners Fri 31-Jan-14 10:08:51

I have found the cruse counselling useful but it has been quite sporadic so I am thinking that I will find some privately as I really don't have anyone to talk openly with about what is going on emotionally and it really feels like a heavy load to carry.
I dreamt last night that my house was burgled and all my precious things were taken and it all happened whilst I was visiting my neighbours! That is how it feels that these precious people have been lost and can't be replaced. I am also still coming to terms with other losses and I think it is like what Sittingbythepool said that I can't come to terms with it I can only live with my new reality and somehow carry on.
Hope this slowly get a bit easier for us all, but saying that I know there is no 'solution'and that is what is so hard.

ssd Sat 01-Feb-14 10:18:01

agree totally takingnoprisoners, I feel exactly the same.

I'd love privates counselling, but it would probably cost loads. Losing someone so important in your life brings such a variety of emotions that no two days are the same, so what was discussed last week in counselling might be very different to this week. I feel just now I could go to someone every week just to get it all out! And jeep going for months.

spongebobmum Mon 03-Feb-14 18:46:35

My mum passed away 6 months ago, I'm having a terrible day today missing her, do those dark days lessen with time? It's not every day but when it hits it's unbearable

takingnoprisoners Wed 05-Feb-14 21:57:58

Hi Spongebobmum I wish I could say that those days go away altogether but they haven't for me yet and it's been 18 months. They do get less but what I find hard is time also takes me further away from when my dad was still here.

Debtfull Fri 07-Feb-14 13:43:22

Hi everyone. My Dad died 6 years ago from cancer and reading your thoughts & worries really rings true with me. I am now absolutely petrified that me or one of my family will get ill. When I hear that someone (can be anyone I know or don't even know) has cancer, I immediately think they're going to die, rather than beat it. At times it almost paralyses my everyday life when I can't stop worrying about myself and my family. I just don't understand how other people just get on with their lives and don't seem to worry about these things. Before my Dad got ill I was able to just put that anxiety in to a box and store it in my brain somewhere that it didn't affect me. But now I can't. It doesn't help that we keep hearing that one in three of us (possibly will be one in two) will get cancer. I just cannot deal with that fact.
I have moved on with my life and I very much have the attitude now that life is too short, live for today, which as a family we really are doing. But I'm still incredibly angry that my Dad is gone and can't help feeling that, so not even sure I've reached the acceptance stage yet. Have had some CBT but not convinced it helped..... Was prescribed beta blockers too but that was for other financial stress and worries, not just the bereavement. I just wish I could get the worry out of my head all the time that one of us will get ill........ sad
Wishing you all happy times and that you can smile when you think of those you have lost smile

maria1912 Thu 20-Feb-14 20:03:33

Whitecloud..... You could be writing for me!.
It's nearly 4 years since my mum died, and it sometimes feels like 4 days!.

I have been feeling down lately, lost my job, put on weight, bored witless etc, and I know that my mum would have got me through this difficult time like she always did. I have been on anti ds for 20 odd years, so have always had bouts of depression, but mum always helped me through those times.
I know I sound selfish, but I miss her so very much.
My dad, who treated my mum very badly, is still alive and kicking!!!.
God really does only take the best doesn't he?

My mum was the very best, and yes I totally agree that grief works its way through us, not the other way around. But I also know to be thankful for my 2 beautiful daughters, who without even knowing it, lift my mood, and never let me quite hit the very bottom of the barrel!!.
To all of you out there in the same boat as me, here's hoping that before too long, we can pick up our oars and row to a happier place.

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