Acknowledging my Daughters Death

(52 Posts)
Triumphoveradversity Wed 01-Jan-14 11:39:21

I have been avoiding talking and thinking about my DD over the last few months. She died in the summer of natural causes in her sleep, sudden adult death syndrome and was found by her housemates having died in the night.

I spent the last few months concentrating on her younger brothers distress. His school helped me get counselling for him and I am also going soon and have an appointment in a couple of weeks.

It sounds ridiculous but I have been pretending it didn't happen. For instance I buy presents through the year and have a present and birthday card cupboard. I had already bought some things for her and when I went to get stuff out I picked up one to wrap and then realised I didn't have to do it.

I'm actually scared of letting the grief come. I suppose I'm a bit of a stiff upper lip type. I always have always been like this, I actually wish I wasn't. I had a thread about the loss of my phone a couple of days ago and got amazing support over there and it did mean it got me starting to talk about it.

I know everyone handles their grief differently but did anyone else go very numb for a long time or does anyone else know much about this stage?

I did want to write on here months ago but I was worried it would make it real.

everlong Fri 03-Jan-14 14:36:03

Dear Trimumph I am so sorry you have lost your daughter. All of what you describe seems quite normal to me.
I lost a 20 year old son 5 years ago to suicide and like you I think I was in denial until the beginning of 2013 when a fall out with my closest friend caused me to totally breakdown.

I don't think denying what has happened to your daughter is good for you though.. I know that you are scared of facing the truth and accepting her death but long term it's better for you. We have to grieve them. Some how.

Have you tried therapy/counselling? I think waiting a while to have it is probably better than having it straight away, I think we need to get over that initial shock and imo that can last a long time.. I had counselling 12 months after my son died and I think it helped in many ways..

It's hard. Everyday is hard and there is no magic wand, no miracle to feeling better. I don't think you ever do feel better tbh but we have to adjust to a new life.

hello triumph. Be gentle on yourself, please. From what I can see, you are already taking those important steps to allow yourself to grieve. You are on here talking about your DD, you acknowledged that Christmas was likely to be difficult, you are realising that your life has changed.

I don't know if you are the type of person who finds crying cathartic, but perhaps I can share MrMia's words about tears. He calls them liquid love. I found that very helpful. xx

I'm so pleased you have felt able to write about your dd on MN. I'm confident you will find comfort here as there are, sadly, many bereaved parents here. Each of us grieves for our child differently, but you won't be alone.
It sounds like you have a great friend too, I hope you are getting lots of support in RL.

Triumphoveradversity Sat 04-Jan-14 19:20:56

My poor friend said when her Mum died people would cross the street to avoid her. I do have a friend I can talk to she is coming to stay next weekend and that will be a good chance to talk about DD.

MIL and SIL are here this weekend. Finding it a bit difficult and uncomfortable. SIL and I have not got on very well since she smacked my DS about 2 years ago. I offered an olive branch this afternoon by saying we had our difficulties it was time to move on, she just replied yes, she just didn't want to talk. I was just really trying to open a dialogue.

Not one card or mention of DD, not a how are you nothing now or at any time over the last few months. DD is from my first marriage and I guess she just doesn't consider her family. Mil has been very supportive over the last few months, I wish she was visiting without SIL. I just find with feeling low like this I don't want to be near anyone that is not very nice.

She has also made a comment about poor DH having a receding hairline. He has been out shopping and come back with hair loss shampoo. I loathe her for making him feel insecure. She has always been difficult, her own Mother admits to this. I cannot bear her being vile to DH, he is not perfect but he is a decent man and not unkind.

Thank you to everyone for posting, I really do appreciate it. My counselling starts mid January so I think posting here will help ease me in to the sessions.

CoddledAsAMommet Sat 04-Jan-14 21:12:45

OP, have you been in touch with SADS UK? They're a charity started by my aunt when my cousin died of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome when he was 16. Do give them a call - they're amazing and will help with whatever you need. The phone number is 01277 811215.

LilyTheSavage Tue 07-Jan-14 03:18:15

Hi Triumph. I'm so very very sorry about your DD. I do know exactly what you're going through as my DS died almost 5 months ago. He was 21. I haven't coped very well and have been going for counselling which I think has helped. I have some lovely supportive friends and my DH, and 2 other DSs but I still miss DS2 every single day.

We went to see the ILs at Christmas and they didn't mention DS once. They didn't ask after the other two either. I felt stabby and violently angry. They aren't bad people but are just wrapped up in their own little world. I still feel stabby!

If you'd ever just like to chat please message me. I'm going to mark this thread so I can see how you're doing too.

Sending you much love flowers

hello there triumph, just wanted to say that I am thinking about you and your DD, wondering how you've been this week thanks

Triumphoveradversity Mon 13-Jan-14 20:31:30

Thank you to everyone that has posted, I will have a look at the SADs site as well.

I have had visitors the last two weekends and have been busy. My DS Godmother came this weekend as DH had gone on a weekend with his Mum and sis, his sis lives overseas hence seeing two weekends in a row. I am struggling with SIL behaviour, none of us are perfect but I am not going to see her for some time as she made me so angry. Her own Mum says she is difficult, DH and I argued about it sad.

I ended up really crying about DD today. I suppose it was cathartic but I found it all totally overwhelming. I think because she is on my mind so much but not on anyone else's, I can't shake it off. I'm not even sure I want to shake it off, I need to let the years come.

Thanks again to everyone.

Paintyfingers Mon 13-Jan-14 20:40:55

Triumph, Your dd sounds so lovely. No wonder you couldn't bear to start acknowledging what has happened. I'm sorry you were so upset today and of course you can't stop thinking about her.

itinerant Mon 13-Jan-14 20:56:47

I've pm'd you (my first ever mumsnet pm!)

LilyTheSavage Mon 20-Jan-14 06:43:46

Hi Triumph
I was thinking about you.
Sending you love brew

Triumphoveradversity Thu 30-Jan-14 23:04:20

I just wanted to let people know that my counselling has started. It was helpful but very tiring. Sort of like the tiring you get when you have jet lag.

I haven't had the energy to get out and about loads but I have had a friend come over for lunch on Monday and also have a friend coming over for tea and some cake tomorrow.

The counsellor was very good and explained how everything would work, she likened my situation to being like a Pandora's box, I was obviously scared to open it as I was worried I wouldn't cope at all with all the grief and that she would help me open it but only a bit at a time. She also said there were no time limits on sessions. It is actually a hospice that offers this service and they are the ones that helped DS and who his school recommended and helped me arrange.

I am exceptionally grateful to them especially in the way they helped DS.

LilyTheSavage Fri 31-Jan-14 13:05:04

Hi Triumph. Well done for starting the Pandora's Box - it's a good way of describing it. I've been seeing a counsellor as well and I wanted to do it as I had such terrible images in my head that I couldn't share them with somebody I loved or even cared about. It's a good idea that she's helping you a little at a time.... more manageable I guess.

Enjoy seeing your friends and be kind to yourself.

Mojito100 Fri 31-Jan-14 14:30:04

My thoughts are with you. I lost my DD and even though I acknowledged it and am dealing with my grief I understand where you are at. There are things I still do or say that are personal to me. I only ever refer to her as having passed rather than she has died. The latter seems so final and I'm sure some May view it as denial but it works for me. I fully support what has been said before. We all manage our grief our own way and the only thing I can say in support is that you are doing what is right for you naturally and to keep flowing this path. Trust in yourself completely and do whatever feels right instinctively. This approach has worked for me. Not a day goes by I don't think of her constantly and I hope that never changes. I am sure tears and an overwhelming sense of loss will find you. It's hard but go with it and accept however you cope to be right for you. On those special days such as birthdays etc I act completely normal and keep it all in and on random days I may cry my eyes out because of the utter hopelessness I feel and the tragedy that has occurred. Be kind to yourself. My heart and thoughts are with you.

LilyTheSavage Sat 01-Feb-14 08:34:07

What Mojito said. The randomness and unpredictability. Oh my goodness!

LilyTheSavage Mon 03-Mar-14 07:12:00

Hi triumph
How're you doing? I haven't heard from you for a while so I'm just checking in.
Time for a brew

Mojito100 Thu 06-Mar-14 22:50:25

Triumph - just checking in like lily. Take care of yourself. By the way I have jus re-read all the posts here and don't think it would hurt if you told your SIL where to go. She sounds insensitive to you and DH and someone needs to make that clear. Don't see her if you don't want to and if she is due to come to yours feel free to tell her not to. This is about you and not her.

Triumphoveradversity Thu 27-Mar-14 13:06:24

Just checking in as it has been a while. Time seems to merge in to one day somehow.

The counselling is helping me, I totally broke down last week in the session.

I have had quite a few dreams about DD lately. She looked very well in the dreams and I was helping her decide what hairstyle to have as she getting married in the dream.

The counsellor explained the stages of grief and also explained they can criss cross each other. So my denial does still raise its head. A couple of mornings ago the phone rang really early in the morning and I immediately thought that's early what's going on, I hope DD is ok.

I'm just about to go to my session, sorry its been a while.

LilyTheSavage Mon 31-Mar-14 10:35:37

Hi triumph.
Just checking in again. Glad you're finding the counselling helpful. Hope yesterday wasn't too painful. It was ok for me. My two DS rallied round and made lunch and were lovely and we just chilled together.
I wish I could dream about my DS2. Did you find your dream comforting?

Take care of yourself. cake

LilyTheSavage Thu 08-May-14 07:56:11

Hi triumph
Just checking in to see how you're doing.

Triumphoveradversity Tue 03-Jun-14 09:04:32

I'm checking in.

I must admit its not good news and I have had some kind of breakdown, I think that is probably why I avoided grieving in the first place. I have become very anxious generally about everything. I have also made the decision to leave work. So my life has changed a lot, DH supports this decision, I can't do this counselling and work.

My situation is complicated by the fact I saw her Father my very abusive ex last year and had to have dealings with him. I hadn't spoken nor seen him for over a decade.

My counsellor is really great and I'm incredibly thankful for her. At one point I was tempted to stop because I found it too painful. The counselling has also bought forth other stuff which I was quite surprised about so is now covering not only the loss of DD. I was probably naive thinking we would only discuss her death.

I'm going to a funeral today of a very lovely lady who I knew, she made the best cakes I have ever tasted and was like my Father in that she had a long life and knew she was dying. It will be the first funeral I have attended since DD's so am worried and I have pondered if I should go but this lady was so very kind to me I need to say goodbye. She was also truly elegant, real old school stuff.

Georgethesecond Tue 03-Jun-14 09:15:09

I wish you strength at the funeral and I hope you can remember the
Positive things about your friend. You will get through all this, really you will.

LilyTheSavage Wed 04-Jun-14 13:41:06

Hi Triumph.
I'm sorry about your breakdown but it's not surprising given everything you have to deal with. I hope the counselling helps. I had counselling but don't know if it helped or not.... I don't know how I'd be if I hadn't been IYSWIM.

Hope the funeral goes ok. I think it will probably be difficult for you. You're so brave to go.

VilootShesCute Wed 15-Oct-14 22:07:33

Triumph, I'm just sending love. It's been 6 years since I lost my daughter, life changes more than we could ever imagine doesn't it. Just no words to do it justice sometimes, so I tend to not talk. I hope you're doing okay.

LilyTheSavage Fri 17-Oct-14 20:06:23

Hi Triumph.

Just checking in to see you how're doing.

Hugs. xx

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