Acknowledging my Daughters Death

(50 Posts)
Triumphoveradversity Wed 01-Jan-14 11:39:21

I have been avoiding talking and thinking about my DD over the last few months. She died in the summer of natural causes in her sleep, sudden adult death syndrome and was found by her housemates having died in the night.

I spent the last few months concentrating on her younger brothers distress. His school helped me get counselling for him and I am also going soon and have an appointment in a couple of weeks.

It sounds ridiculous but I have been pretending it didn't happen. For instance I buy presents through the year and have a present and birthday card cupboard. I had already bought some things for her and when I went to get stuff out I picked up one to wrap and then realised I didn't have to do it.

I'm actually scared of letting the grief come. I suppose I'm a bit of a stiff upper lip type. I always have always been like this, I actually wish I wasn't. I had a thread about the loss of my phone a couple of days ago and got amazing support over there and it did mean it got me starting to talk about it.

I know everyone handles their grief differently but did anyone else go very numb for a long time or does anyone else know much about this stage?

I did want to write on here months ago but I was worried it would make it real.

sooperdooper Wed 01-Jan-14 11:44:16

I'm so sorry for your loss, I think it's normal to try and pretend it hadn't happened, especially when it comes as such a shock.

It's good that you're going for counselling, I hope it helps you

onedev Wed 01-Jan-14 11:46:13

I am so truly sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice for you but am glad that you've found your way to posting here as I've seen the support that MN can provide. Wishing you strength for 2014.

AnUnearthlyChild Wed 01-Jan-14 12:02:07

I am so sorry for your loss.

I saw your thread about the phone. I have no sensible advice, but know that we are all here for you.

X

LouiseSmith Wed 01-Jan-14 12:02:29

Im so very sorry for your loss, I cant begin to imagine what you must be going through. No mother should have to lose a child. I have no words of advice, but I wanted to give you my condolences.

MerryMarigold Wed 01-Jan-14 12:09:28

You've been very brave coming on here. I think the closer you are to someone, the longer it takes to process the grief. You have done what you needed to, because you may not have been able to cope with it all coming in one go. It is perfectly fine and natural. There is no 'right' way to grieve and you are doing it in the way you can. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've never lost a child and I can't imagine the pain. I did lose someone very close to me in a shock accident about 12 years ago. I still think of him very often though the hurt is less now.

MerryMarigold Wed 01-Jan-14 12:12:54

What was her name and what was she like?

magimedi Wed 01-Jan-14 12:16:04

I am so sorry for you loss.

I also saw your phone thread & was so pleased it was found.

I think that by posting about the phone & this thread you have started to process things a little. I am sure you will get some amazing help & support here.

flowers

GW297 Wed 01-Jan-14 12:18:39

So sorry for your loss. I am delighted you got your phone back as I was so hoping you would.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 01-Jan-14 12:43:38

I was on your phone thread too smile So very very relieved you found it x

When my Dad died I couldn't talk or post about it either. Denial & I suppose hoping if I didn't do either he would just walk back in the front door. He died suddenly, young & totally unexpectedly, he was full of life... the shock was overwhelming, it is only recently (several years on) that I now mention it on MN and mostly in situations like this - more to say 'on some level I understand, even though it's different for all of us' rather than to talk about it for myself.

I still can't believe he's not here. I had a lot to deal with when he died, mainly keeping my Mum in one piece and dealing with the enormous amount of paperwork (he has his own business etc).

After a while I just felt like I had 'been brave enough, that I had been 'good' enough, that I had struggled on for long enough, that I had held it together for long enough - I was 'done'' - so it was time for him to come back now... then the reality of that never ever happening started to seep in, but I don't think I will ever really accept it.

I know it's different in that you expect to lose your parents at some time but not your children. I have never lost a child so I don't know how different it feels. I didn't 'get' how it could be so devastating to lose a parent before I lost mine, I think I felt it was 'the order of things' so 'not so bad' as losing a partner or child - if that is actually true, I can't imagine the absolute hell it must be, because this is 'bad enough'.

Lots of love - you aren't alone x

Pawprint Wed 01-Jan-14 14:02:32

How tragic.

When my sister died, I went through similar phase of denial - I think my parents did too.

Grief is painful but can't be avoided. Having said that, we all grieve in different ways.

Triumphoveradversity Wed 01-Jan-14 14:45:09

I don't want to write anything too identifying as I was in a DV situation with my ex.

She was a very sweet young woman, incredibly thoughtful of others. She always wanted to do the right thing for people even if it made a situation difficult for her.

Islenka Wed 01-Jan-14 16:08:51

I am so sorry for your loss thanks

onedev Wed 01-Jan-14 17:12:50

She sounds lovely.

Twitterqueen Wed 01-Jan-14 17:21:18

So very very sorry OP. I cannot begin to imagine your pain.

I think that your post here means that you are beginning to find the strength to firstly acknowledge your loss and then in time, to deal with your daughter's death. (

It will be a long and difficult journey but you have made the first steps so well done.

I would suggest that you please take things at your own pace, don't feel guilty about anything (waste of energy!) and deal with this awful event in your own way. Whatever you do is right for you at that specific time, so if buying presents helps, then carry on.

Be thankful for the time you had with her and the joy that she gave to you and to others. No love is ever wasted.

MerryMarigold Wed 01-Jan-14 17:26:56

She sounds like she was very lovely. Sounds like you have so much to deal with if there is also stuff with ex, it's not at all surprising it's taking time. So glad the counseling will start soon. I'm sure it will help you and is the right time for it.

fortyplus Wed 01-Jan-14 18:03:53

Triumphoveradversity - so sorry to hear of your loss. Grief is a process and the stages are similar for everyone. Denial is the first and perhaps you have taken a little longer to reach the end of it than many, but there's nothing wrong with that. Counselling will help you.

Be kind to yourself - this is something that you will never 'get over' but you will eventually 'get used to' and come to accept what has happened and that it can't be changed. xx

BIWI Wed 01-Jan-14 18:08:37

When my mum died (almost 10 years ago now), I couldn't grieve. I was totally bewildered about that, as we had been very, very close and I always thought I would be devastated when she died.

Eventually I have come to realise that it was my own coping mechanism.

The best way I can describe it is to imagine blowing up a balloon, holding it closed and opening it occasionally to allow a small amount of air out. That was how I dealt with my grief. Little bits, every now and then.

What I learnt through the process, and also after a session with a bereavement counsellor, is that there is no one, 'correct' way to grieve. You do what 'works' for you - although that does imply that you can control the process, which I don't think you can.

Above all, though, be kind to yourself and do whatever seems right/appropriate to get you through the days. It will, it does, get easier over time.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. flowers

Newyearchanger Wed 01-Jan-14 18:10:49

Some things are too painful to deal with all at once and we have to protect ourselves.

HorsePetal Wed 01-Jan-14 18:20:03

I'm so sorry Triumph - your daughter was obviously a beautiful girl. You must ache for her everyday.

I saw your phone thread (so pleased that you managed to get it back) but got the sense that you hadn't posted or talked much about her death.

How do you begin to deal with something so painful as grief?

I am so incredibly sorry xxx

Back2Two Wed 01-Jan-14 18:34:11

I read the phone thread too, and I'm pleased for you that you found it.
I have nothing wise to offer, but I'm touched by the wisdom on this thread and I hope that it can give you some strength and some comfort.
flowers

Triumphoveradversity Wed 01-Jan-14 22:19:51

Thank you for all the lovely messages on this thread. It is totally right that I have been in denial, I was actually worried I would just lose it totally so bottled it all up. I think the balloon analogy is a good one and how I need to deal with it.

I haven't talked about it much, if anything I have immersed myself in two of my sisters problems as a way of avoiding my own. I am very aware of that now.

A very lovely friend of mine said she thought Christmas would be the time it was going to hit and she was right. She is coming to stay in a couple of weeks for a weekend as DH is going off on a weekend with his Mum and sister. I was invited but as they are coming for this weekend as well that was enough for me.

MIL has been really supportive and I get on very well with her. SIL is someone I'm not keen on, she has a very dominant personality with a tendency to bully. Her own Mother despairs of her behaviours sometimes.

Newyearchanger Wed 01-Jan-14 23:18:16

When my father died I tried to pretend all was normal as much as I could and had to focus on my mum who was not managing. I found I just then got worse over 6 to 12 months with everything bottled up and proceeded to cry my way through the next two months and through all my cruse sessions. I felt guilty for letting it take over my life, I know now its completely normal . My dad died at the prime of his life. Recently my mum died after a long decline and I felt sadness but not the overwhelming shock and grief I felt with my dads sudden death.
Please look after yourself and try cruse.

When my dad died I had received a call from my mum that evening which I couldn't hear plus she had been drinking and I said I would call back. The next call was that my father had died. I rang BT trying to listen back to the call to see exactly what she had said, I was haunted with guilt and fear but they couldn't play it for me.

I read your phone thread and was so happy that your dh found it.

Mrsmorton Thu 02-Jan-14 12:36:47

I didn't realise you'd found your phone OP. I'm so pleased that you did. thanks I'm so sorry for your loss.

JugglingIntoANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 12:51:30

I'm so sorry Triumph sad

Perhaps it will be good to talk with the counsellor in this new year and begin to let little bits of air out of that balloon very slowly, however feels right for you

Lots of wisdom from MNers on your thread here

Your dd sounds so lovely x

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