Losing a premie baby

(65 Posts)
Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 11:40:58

My beautiful daughter Ameera was born on 4 December 2013 at 25 weeks and died on 9 December 2013. The first week was difficult. I wouldn't leave my husband's side. everyone looked at me soo sadly but their lives went on and mine didn't. It hasn't. I miss my baby. I can't believe it's been less than a month since everything happened. it's sooo heartbreaking.

I needed to write and I thought this might help. Everyday is a struggle for me :-( some days are ok but most days I prefer to be in bed away from the world :-(

whodunnit Thu 02-Jan-14 01:36:28

Aw, OP, everything is so raw and painful for you. I know nothing of your anguish, but you can never bring Ameera back again. You still have her in your heart and your mind if not in your arms and your body. It is so unfair for you. Wishing you peace.

Fp123 Tue 31-Dec-13 15:24:18

Today is not a good day. Today I'm upset and angry. I look at my husband and I'm angry with him. He hasn't done anything wrong .... He just refuses to give me back that pregnancy feeling because he thinks I'm not mentally ready for another child. How would he know? how does he know how a mother feels when she looks at her now flat stomach which should still be housing her unborn child? When she looks at her breasts which only a few weeks ago were full with milk for her living child and who now looks at her empty arms and aches for the child she held one last time as her child took her last breathe.

I don't want to hate him and hate is a strong word I know but he wants me to get better in myself and I want my child
Back and that pregnant feeling so I guess neither one of us will get what we want. I'm sorry for ranting. My husband is a good man but I just wish he could understand that another pregnancy will help to ease the pain I am feeling. No amount of happiness in this world will ever be the same or give you a greater feeling as being pregnant or motherhood.

Everything I do now pales in comparison to when I was pregnant or when I had my daughter there and could visit her. Every morning I wake up with a heavy heart. :-(

Fp123 Tue 31-Dec-13 09:42:43

Thank you stickysausages. Poetry helps me heal :-)

stickysausages Mon 30-Dec-13 21:32:37

You have a lovely way with words OP thanks

Fp123 Mon 30-Dec-13 21:15:35

Can I just have a few minutes to myself
To collect myself, reconnect myself to the world
Find a way to get some peace for myself
Before I plan how to move on in myself

People are trying to rush me through the process
Asking where my drive and fight for life went
Why I seem to spend hours in bed
Not making plans like I use to back then

Need I remind you that I gave birth and she passed
Drive and fight are not currently on my mind
Waking up everyday is fight enough
Not one month has passed since this event
So please allow me to just vent
I'm not in the right frame of mind to make plans
I've got no real fight left at this time

So just because you've build walls
Been able to go back to work
Go back to normal
Forgot we created a life and she passed
Doesn't mean I'm ready to do the same

Stop trying to push me to fight through this
Allow me to just grieve
I can't seem to explain to you how I feel
She's been with me since she was conceived
She was a part of me before you knew
She was a part of me before she grew
Into the beautiful Angel that she now is

I'm torn in pieces by this whole ordeal
I'm grieving my child and the death of me
I'm finding a new normal which isn't easy
I've gone from girl to mother to grieve stricken
I've buried a child before I raised a child
I've lost myself before I knew myself
So please let me grieve the best way I know how

And as long as I'm waking up each morning
As long as I'm stepping out of the house
As long as I'm smiling
And there are no tears falling
Understand that this is a drive and a fight

SecretWitch Sun 29-Dec-13 06:27:53

I am reaching out to hug you. So glad to hear you went out and had the opportunity to laugh and dance. You are honouring your lovely daughter by living. What a gift she gave you. I will be thinking about you and your family. Love and hugs...

Fp123 Sun 29-Dec-13 05:58:00

got home at 1am this morning after dinner with the husband and his friends. they asked if we have children and hubby said no but I told him to be honest and not dismiss our child. so we told them and I must admit it felt good to say "yes we have a child but she passed away" it felt good that we acknowledged our baby.
I spent the rest of the evening smiling and even danced. I smiled for my angel and danced for my angel and realised that from the day Ameera was born every thing I do is for her.
My baby dying broke me in pieces and has left me shattered but she gave me sooo much more than I ever imagined .... Ameera gave me hope and now I have the audacity to hope and dream when I'd never been able to do so before.

Gullygirl Sun 29-Dec-13 05:57:12

FP, I am truly sorry for the loss of your daughter,
Your poem is beautiful,thank you for sharing it with us.

stickysausages Sat 28-Dec-13 18:36:36

I'm glad you had a good day, one day the good days will outnumber the bad... you just won't notice it happening thanks

stickysausages Sat 28-Dec-13 18:33:59

I'm so sorry for your loss sad

My nephew was born at 30 weeks, and I remember how worrying it was, how fragile they are & how the fear of infections or bleeds or setbacks takes over.

It's hard when the world moves on & leaves you behind, please keep talking & accept help from anywhere you can find it.

I used to be involved in funerals, including babies, and one of the most lovely things that sticks with me, is someone saying that their stillborn daughter had known nothing but love. She had never been touched by negative emotions or hate, all she'd ever known was kind words, kind thought & pure, unconditional love.

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 18:17:51

Glad to hear you've had a decent say xxx

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 17:48:30

I've had a decent day today... Went on the bus for a few hours and now hubby and I are going to meet a few of his friends for a meal. I've smiled more today :-) smiled even when I saw other people's babies on the bus :-)
I'm still mad but not as mad as I was a few weeks ago. thank you all for your eyes and your words yesterday.
Xxxx

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 10:49:14

Beautiful lillies on the bed stand
I hate how beautiful you look to me
Beautiful as my daughter
But not more beautiful than she

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 10:35:16

I have one or two I can talk to but the ones I thought would understand me don't. It's a shame really isn't it. I guess it's times like these that you are able to see the purpose each person in your life serves. Luckily it doesn't upset me because i look at them and realise that until they've been here they can ever understand.

WHodunnit- my husband is somewhat detached from this and sometimes I wonder if he even remembers. I know I shouldn't think that way as everyone grieves differently. This is the biggest test of our relationship and u just pray we can survive it.

AugustRose Sat 28-Dec-13 10:05:03

I think poems are great at expressing how we feel, I could never write any myself but found some really good ones and "ask my mum how she is" is one of my favourites that I have in my son's memory box.

The one thing I found about people is that those you expect to help and understand, or at least try are not always the ones who do. I have distanced myself from some very old friends who just could not deal with our loss, they didn't acknowledge him and we did not see them for two years - but I accepted that and it is not my problem, it is theirs.

And other have proven themselves to love us and our son more than I could have believed. I think you just have to surround yourself with those who help you and let you be how you need to be, even if you don't understand it yourself.

I know a lot of people want to become pregnant again straight away, especially when their first baby dies. I waited 9 months of agonising whether I should or should not, as I had other children I found it such a dilemma and I know a lot of people thought I should be happy with my 'lot'. Of course I appreciate how very lucky I was to have other children but it still didn't stop the pain and ache to hold a baby in my arms. This is a decision only you and your husband can make when it's right for you.

Thinking of you xxx

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 08:57:18

yes the way some people try to advise when they have no idea
do you have nyone in rl you can rea;;y talk to?
who is a good listener

mist of thhe other mums ive met along the way are keen tp get pregnant again asap
so if you feel that urge dont worry or feel guilty or try not to
but others o know have wanted to wait a while
whatever you feel, is right for you

its great you have those special memories
you will always have them to treasure

Rosieliveson Sat 28-Dec-13 07:55:36

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and pain. You have my heartfelt condolences thanks

whodunnit Sat 28-Dec-13 02:39:08

Aw, FP, I did not want to read & run. You are going through living hell. Your poems are so touching. You feel so strongly for your lovely daughter and the love shines through in what you write. It can never be the same for a husband, as he has not had this baby inside him as a living active person and cannot know how amazing that feels.

Sleep if you can, cry if you can. God bless.

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 02:32:58

Thank you soo much Lottystar and I'm soo sorry about your miscarriage. It's such a cruel thing to happen when a child is lost be it when the child is born or via a miscarriage. Pregnancy and childbirth are funny processes. Not as straightforward as we are led to believe when we were little girls. I feel like I have aged 10 years in this month alone.

I understand the pain in your mother's eyes because even I feel I've lost a piece of myself.

I'll keep both Ameera and your miscarried child in my prayers. They are both Angels :-)

I am trying to stay close to my husband and I'm grateful for him.

I'm waiting for the day when things will get easier.

Lottystar Sat 28-Dec-13 02:15:48

Fp123, I stumbled across your thread and wanted to say I am so very sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter Ameera. Your words are so full of pain and I hope you don't mind me saying this but I wish I could give you a really big hug. I recently had a miscarriage and that was awful enough - a silent pain, which you feel is not really allowed as there was no visual baby for people to see, but I simply can't fathom how you're currently feeling. My mother lost two very premature babies and I was also a premmie myself, born 10 weeks early in 1979. I still see the hurt in her eyes today, she says she lost a little piece of herself with each child but then she has become stronger and more resilient as the years have passed. She still talks about my brothers with loving memories and cherishes the time she had with them. It's such a cruel experience, pls look after yourself and stay close to your husband, you can get through this together xx

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 01:29:50

If you see me smiling sometimes just let me be
There are few occasions these days that bring smiles to me
Please don't ask me how I'm feeling
Or assume I've forgotten
Because behind those smiles lie heartbreak

I've hit rock bottom with no way up
But there are still small mercies I'm grateful for
I can't allow my pain to consume me
I must find some hope everyday to keep living

If I give up who will remember my Angel
Who will recount those wonderful months of pregnancy
Or days when she lived?
Who will remember her as the blessing she is
For others have moved on with their lives
As it should be
But we are stuck in this misery

So when you see me smile
Please understand this
I smile for the first time I saw the positive pregnancy stick
For the first pregnancy symptom I felt
I smile for the 12 week scan and seeing your heartbeat
For your kicks and movements reminding me you exist

I smile for experiencing labour
Even through the pain and gas and air
I smile for your life though short and sweet
I smile for changing me from woman to mother
I smile for the gift you've given me

Though my sadness will live with me for a lifetime
I smile for the siblings that I'll be blessed with
With each year I'll celebrate your birth with a smile
And celebrate your passing with a silent tear

Through my grieve I'll remember to smile
Atleast a little a day
Because it's my way of honouring your memory
For those months you stayed with me
For the days I shared the world with you
For bringing unconditional love to me
For reminding me that there's always hope
And I need to live to win

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 01:17:52

I was the same way... Wanting to get pregnant straight away but my husband wants us to wait until I am ready mentally.
A friend once told me "I have lost nothing as Ameera belongs to God and God has taken her back". You can probably imagine how that conversation ended... I just told her I pray she doesn't go through what I'm going through then she can tell me I've lost nothing.
People have been trying to tell me what to so but I just leave them to talk and I do what feels right for me.
Bless... My brother in law asked why I am taking maternity leave when there's no baby to look after and my aunt said I should start losing weight .... That made me realise how differently our worlds are.
If Ameera was alive I won't be asked why I'm taking maternity leave or be told to lose weight soo soon after having a baby.
fortunately for them they haven't gone through this so I understand their ignorance and pray they never have to go through this because the pain is something no one should ever have to go through

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:46:01

anyonme that tries to tell me what i should or shouldnt do i dont talk to about deep stuff

i even had one friend that told me, that once the funeral is over i should take all the sympathy cards down
i mean people just try and tell you what to do
and i felt like screaming do you actually think thats going to make me feel even 0.1% better?
because it won't

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:43:15

yes one day at a time is the best way

dont try to hard to supress your tears
i personally think you need to really grieve before you can begin to heal

men often grieve differently to women
they tend to want to protect us
but to us it seems as if they are not as upset as we are
its so tough around

i useed to read other people stories on sands etc
sitting there sobbing
and in the end dh would sayto me
i think you should stop reading that as its upsetting you
but it was exactly what i needed to do at the time
he foud it very difficult not really being able to console me
and in the early days it was in the night my grief used to hit me the hardest
i would often cry for hours at night
and i would have to say just leave me to cry
sometimes i would even say to him im going to have a cry now

the crying has become alot less now

i think about my ds everyday but my dh says he doesnt
i think its quiet different for him than it is for me

i was also hell bent on getting pregnant asap
which is v normal under the circumstances
but people would try and put me off

its good your getting out, even if its not seeing anyone but its a walk in the fresh air
phyical excersise does help and fresh air

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 00:35:23

My husband looks at me with such pain in his eyes because he can't help me. I feel soo bad for him. He wants us to try and move forward and I look at him wondering which forward he is referring to.
Work is something which is very low down my list and non existent at the moment. I try and step out of the house everyday.
I haven't allowed visitors since this happened except for visitors who came when I was at the inlaws.
I know one day I'll wake up and have more good days than bad. One day .... For now I'm taking one day at a time. thank you for being sooo kind

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