Losing a premie baby

(65 Posts)
Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 11:40:58

My beautiful daughter Ameera was born on 4 December 2013 at 25 weeks and died on 9 December 2013. The first week was difficult. I wouldn't leave my husband's side. everyone looked at me soo sadly but their lives went on and mine didn't. It hasn't. I miss my baby. I can't believe it's been less than a month since everything happened. it's sooo heartbreaking.

I needed to write and I thought this might help. Everyday is a struggle for me :-( some days are ok but most days I prefer to be in bed away from the world :-(

AugustRose Sat 28-Dec-13 10:05:03

I think poems are great at expressing how we feel, I could never write any myself but found some really good ones and "ask my mum how she is" is one of my favourites that I have in my son's memory box.

The one thing I found about people is that those you expect to help and understand, or at least try are not always the ones who do. I have distanced myself from some very old friends who just could not deal with our loss, they didn't acknowledge him and we did not see them for two years - but I accepted that and it is not my problem, it is theirs.

And other have proven themselves to love us and our son more than I could have believed. I think you just have to surround yourself with those who help you and let you be how you need to be, even if you don't understand it yourself.

I know a lot of people want to become pregnant again straight away, especially when their first baby dies. I waited 9 months of agonising whether I should or should not, as I had other children I found it such a dilemma and I know a lot of people thought I should be happy with my 'lot'. Of course I appreciate how very lucky I was to have other children but it still didn't stop the pain and ache to hold a baby in my arms. This is a decision only you and your husband can make when it's right for you.

Thinking of you xxx

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 10:35:16

I have one or two I can talk to but the ones I thought would understand me don't. It's a shame really isn't it. I guess it's times like these that you are able to see the purpose each person in your life serves. Luckily it doesn't upset me because i look at them and realise that until they've been here they can ever understand.

WHodunnit- my husband is somewhat detached from this and sometimes I wonder if he even remembers. I know I shouldn't think that way as everyone grieves differently. This is the biggest test of our relationship and u just pray we can survive it.

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 10:49:14

Beautiful lillies on the bed stand
I hate how beautiful you look to me
Beautiful as my daughter
But not more beautiful than she

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 17:48:30

I've had a decent day today... Went on the bus for a few hours and now hubby and I are going to meet a few of his friends for a meal. I've smiled more today :-) smiled even when I saw other people's babies on the bus :-)
I'm still mad but not as mad as I was a few weeks ago. thank you all for your eyes and your words yesterday.
Xxxx

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 18:17:51

Glad to hear you've had a decent say xxx

stickysausages Sat 28-Dec-13 18:33:59

I'm so sorry for your loss sad

My nephew was born at 30 weeks, and I remember how worrying it was, how fragile they are & how the fear of infections or bleeds or setbacks takes over.

It's hard when the world moves on & leaves you behind, please keep talking & accept help from anywhere you can find it.

I used to be involved in funerals, including babies, and one of the most lovely things that sticks with me, is someone saying that their stillborn daughter had known nothing but love. She had never been touched by negative emotions or hate, all she'd ever known was kind words, kind thought & pure, unconditional love.

stickysausages Sat 28-Dec-13 18:36:36

I'm glad you had a good day, one day the good days will outnumber the bad... you just won't notice it happening thanks

Gullygirl Sun 29-Dec-13 05:57:12

FP, I am truly sorry for the loss of your daughter,
Your poem is beautiful,thank you for sharing it with us.

Fp123 Sun 29-Dec-13 05:58:00

got home at 1am this morning after dinner with the husband and his friends. they asked if we have children and hubby said no but I told him to be honest and not dismiss our child. so we told them and I must admit it felt good to say "yes we have a child but she passed away" it felt good that we acknowledged our baby.
I spent the rest of the evening smiling and even danced. I smiled for my angel and danced for my angel and realised that from the day Ameera was born every thing I do is for her.
My baby dying broke me in pieces and has left me shattered but she gave me sooo much more than I ever imagined .... Ameera gave me hope and now I have the audacity to hope and dream when I'd never been able to do so before.

SecretWitch Sun 29-Dec-13 06:27:53

I am reaching out to hug you. So glad to hear you went out and had the opportunity to laugh and dance. You are honouring your lovely daughter by living. What a gift she gave you. I will be thinking about you and your family. Love and hugs...

Fp123 Mon 30-Dec-13 21:15:35

Can I just have a few minutes to myself
To collect myself, reconnect myself to the world
Find a way to get some peace for myself
Before I plan how to move on in myself

People are trying to rush me through the process
Asking where my drive and fight for life went
Why I seem to spend hours in bed
Not making plans like I use to back then

Need I remind you that I gave birth and she passed
Drive and fight are not currently on my mind
Waking up everyday is fight enough
Not one month has passed since this event
So please allow me to just vent
I'm not in the right frame of mind to make plans
I've got no real fight left at this time

So just because you've build walls
Been able to go back to work
Go back to normal
Forgot we created a life and she passed
Doesn't mean I'm ready to do the same

Stop trying to push me to fight through this
Allow me to just grieve
I can't seem to explain to you how I feel
She's been with me since she was conceived
She was a part of me before you knew
She was a part of me before she grew
Into the beautiful Angel that she now is

I'm torn in pieces by this whole ordeal
I'm grieving my child and the death of me
I'm finding a new normal which isn't easy
I've gone from girl to mother to grieve stricken
I've buried a child before I raised a child
I've lost myself before I knew myself
So please let me grieve the best way I know how

And as long as I'm waking up each morning
As long as I'm stepping out of the house
As long as I'm smiling
And there are no tears falling
Understand that this is a drive and a fight

stickysausages Mon 30-Dec-13 21:32:37

You have a lovely way with words OP thanks

Fp123 Tue 31-Dec-13 09:42:43

Thank you stickysausages. Poetry helps me heal :-)

Fp123 Tue 31-Dec-13 15:24:18

Today is not a good day. Today I'm upset and angry. I look at my husband and I'm angry with him. He hasn't done anything wrong .... He just refuses to give me back that pregnancy feeling because he thinks I'm not mentally ready for another child. How would he know? how does he know how a mother feels when she looks at her now flat stomach which should still be housing her unborn child? When she looks at her breasts which only a few weeks ago were full with milk for her living child and who now looks at her empty arms and aches for the child she held one last time as her child took her last breathe.

I don't want to hate him and hate is a strong word I know but he wants me to get better in myself and I want my child
Back and that pregnant feeling so I guess neither one of us will get what we want. I'm sorry for ranting. My husband is a good man but I just wish he could understand that another pregnancy will help to ease the pain I am feeling. No amount of happiness in this world will ever be the same or give you a greater feeling as being pregnant or motherhood.

Everything I do now pales in comparison to when I was pregnant or when I had my daughter there and could visit her. Every morning I wake up with a heavy heart. :-(

whodunnit Thu 02-Jan-14 01:36:28

Aw, OP, everything is so raw and painful for you. I know nothing of your anguish, but you can never bring Ameera back again. You still have her in your heart and your mind if not in your arms and your body. It is so unfair for you. Wishing you peace.

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