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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Losing a premie baby

64 replies

Fp123 · 27/12/2013 11:40

My beautiful daughter Ameera was born on 4 December 2013 at 25 weeks and died on 9 December 2013. The first week was difficult. I wouldn't leave my husband's side. everyone looked at me soo sadly but their lives went on and mine didn't. It hasn't. I miss my baby. I can't believe it's been less than a month since everything happened. it's sooo heartbreaking.

I needed to write and I thought this might help. Everyday is a struggle for me :-( some days are ok but most days I prefer to be in bed away from the world :-(

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DoItTooBabyJesus · 27/12/2013 11:43

Oh, that's so sad. I'm so sorry.

I have nothing clever or comforting to say, but thought this link might be of use?

www.google.co.uk/search?q=glow+in+the+woods&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari

DoItTooBabyJesus · 27/12/2013 11:44

www.google.co.uk/search?q=glow+in+the+woods&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari

Sorry, this is the actual site. It's for baby lost parents.

DifferentNow · 27/12/2013 11:45

I'm very sorry to hear that Fp. I can't imagine how awful that must be. I think you chose a beautiful name for your daughter. x

BeaWheesht · 27/12/2013 11:45

I am so so sorry for your loss of Ameera.

Have you thought of contacting SANDS charity?

mrscog · 27/12/2013 11:46

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, I have no experience but it's early days, keep talking here there's lots of people who been through your awful pain.

Fp123 · 27/12/2013 12:15

The midwife came to see me and told me about SANDS. I checked their website and will contact them after the new year.

Thank you all for your messages. I really do appreciate it and its a far cry from my family who are now in the stages of so when are you going back to work and you need to keep yourself busy.

I have told work I am still taking my maternity leave. Hopefully this time will be enough to help me heal and deal with the pain a lot better.

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AWhistlingWoman · 27/12/2013 12:29

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter, Ameera. You gave her such a beautiful name. Was she your first child?

I lost my little girl to premature birth in 2008. She lived for three days but, eventually, we had to take the heartbreaking decision to stop treatment.

Please try not to pay too much attention to those who tell you that you need to keep yourself busy or who are questioning you about work. Take all the time you need, do what feels right for you. You have been through a terrible tragedy.

I think that people often just want the 'old' Fp123 back if you see what I mean? They might not understand that an experience like a premature birth and the loss of that baby changes you in many ways.

I remember those early days, I was very much as you describe and clung to my husband. In my experience it may not always be so raw and breathtakingly painful as it is now but you will always remember and grieve for your daughter. I still do for my little one, over five years later. It is because we love them so very much.

I found the website mentioned above, Glow in the Woods, extremely helpful in the early days. You might also want to write on the SANDS message boards or facebook groups or the Bliss website? Please keep writing here if it helps, these early days are so very hard. Sending you lots of love and remembering Ameera x

Fp123 · 27/12/2013 13:43

Thank you sooo much AWhistlingWoman for your message. My condolence for your loss and even though it happened in 2008 I can't imagine the hurt and pain ever goes away.

Ameera is my first. She made me a much better person than I ever was. She gave me something to be excited about and to live for. Ameera gave me purpose.

I'm grateful for all the things I got to experience when she was born, I changed her nappy and she peed when I was doing it. She gave a little scream when her nappy was being changed. She is my little angel and now I'm not sure how to proceed from here.

I want desperately to go back to my old self but everytime I even attempt to do that I remember that I no longer have a heartbeat as Ameera was my heart.

I don't know why we go through this when others go on to have their babies but you are right .... I am forever changed. :-(

I pray that with time the pain eases and I am able to be in the same place you are now ... Hopefully having some semblance of peace in my soul.

Thank you soo much for your response and for directing me to other websites. I am eternally grateful.

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Yankeedoodlenic · 27/12/2013 13:48

So sorry for your loss FP. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I hope in your own time you can move forward while holding Ameera in your heart.

Have you thought of doing something in her memory? A friend of mine planted a tree when she miscarried.

Thinking of you & Ameera.

X

AugustRose · 27/12/2013 13:57

I'm am so sorry for the loss of your precious Ameera, it is truly heartbreaking when a baby dies. My 4th baby, a boy died at 37 weeks in 2009 and understand how immense the pain is for you.

I think AWhistlingWoman has said everything I possibly could, you have to take each day as it comes, there is no right or wrong way to feel. I couldn't face anyone for a long time and relied on my husband for so much.

I am on Sands and it is very helpful and comforting, sadly there are so many families on there but it does mean there is always someone to talk to. I don't know if you have been given a memory box, I bought my own and I found it so comforting to keep cards and poems, some clothes or anything I could to remember my son.

Sending love to you and your special girl, Ameera xxxxxxxxxx

octopusinasantasack · 27/12/2013 13:59

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Fp123 · 27/12/2013 14:00

I haven't thought of anything yet but in time hopefully I will think of something nice I can do in her memory. Planting a tree is a lovely idea. My condolence to your friend who miscarried. That's soo sad when these things happen.

I find great comfort in going to Ameera's gravesite. It allows me to accept what has happened and to realise that there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel like I'm living two lives .... One where I am totally lost and one that I show to the world. It's wierd how a person can look so well and okay on the outside but be dying on the inside.

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Fp123 · 27/12/2013 14:06

To AugustRose, my condolence for your loss. It seems losing a child is one of the heartbreaks in this world that never leaves.

The hospital gave me a memory box with Ameera's things inside. Her little hats that she wore when in the incubator. My baby was doing soo well and the doctor even said she was one of the babies they didn't worry about as she was progressing well but she caught an infection and that killed her. I held her in my arms as she slipped away.

every detail of those days after the Birth is engraved in my memory.

I went trough phases of wanting my baby back but now I know she's in a better place and she's not in pain. Her father and I washed her body for her burial and clothed her body. she was buried the day after she passed. Sooo heaetbreaking having to go to the council to register a birth and death.

Sometimes I think I might wake up and realise this is all a nightmare

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KongKickeroo · 27/12/2013 14:08

I am so so sorry Fp123. I am thinking of you and Ameera.

I loved your description of changing her nappy and peeing and the little scream. How would it feel to write all those things down? All the little things you experienced, both before the birth and after; maybe in a diary with photos and keepsakes. I have not experienced what you have so please ignore this if it isn't helpful... it's just something that occurred to me when I read what you wrote as it was so touching.

Wishing you the best.

KongKickeroo · 27/12/2013 14:09

Sorry cross-posted with you.

AugustRose · 27/12/2013 14:16

Writing helped me so much, I have two a4 pads filled with my feelings of those first days and weeks. At first I wrote everyday, it was like a compulsion and then over time it slowed down. But when I had no-one else to scream at or tell how I was feeling, or someone had upset me with their silly statements I wrote in the book. Sometimes it just stops you going over and over the same things.

I wanted to wake up from the nightmare too, sadly we don't but it will ease given time, which is different for everyone. I'm glad you were able to have that time with her, and look after her as a parent should.

AWhistlingWoman · 27/12/2013 15:09

I loved reading your descriptions of changing Ameera's nappy and her little scream. I also like to think about the experiences that I did share with my daughter. Although they are far fewer than I dreamed of and hoped for, the memories that I have of her are so precious and remind me how much joy and love she brought me.

To lose Ameera so unexpectedly, when the doctors had told you she was doing so well, must have been completely shocking. Infections in the NICU are so cruel and can snatch children where there is every hope that they will survive. I am so sorry that one took your Ameera from you. I also held my daughter in my arms as she died, I'm glad that I was with her she passed away. It is both one of the most painful and most precious experiences of my entire life.

Everyone grieves differently but like AugustRose I found writing things down very helpful and it stopped me running over and over the ground. I used the websites that I mentioned (you'll still find me there from time to time) and I also wrote a lot of letters to my baby daughter. That might sound strange but I wanted to reach her so badly and it was all I could think of.

I also wanted the 'old' me back, it so difficult to feel that you have lost not only your child but your own sense of self. However, the desperate grief of those first few weeks and months did ease and I did find peace and happiness over time. I will always miss her and will always be changed by having had my little daughter, all too briefly, in my life.

Thinking of you and Ameera xo

Fp123 · 27/12/2013 16:05

I bought a book to start writing but I found the only thing I could write was an apology letter to Ameera apologising for letting her down. I've not been able to write since. I recite poetry in my mind but I'm not sure when I'll even be able to put these down on paper. I know someday I will.

Thank you all soo much for kindly listening to me rant about my pain.

I just left the cemetery and although I never thought I'd ever find comfort there I love being where she is.... It's gotten easier going there and just looking at her gravesite. One day I'll be able to stop apologising and blaming myself.

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KongKickeroo · 27/12/2013 20:45

That's ok Fp just take it at your own pace. If you'd like to tell us more about your beautiful daughter here, or how you are feeling, I would love to listen and I'm sure others would too.

Fp123 · 27/12/2013 21:28

I'm feeling so down and out
Like I played a game and got dealt an unfair hand
Like life somehow forgot my happiness
And decided it's time I'm taught a harsh lesson

I've been racking my mind trying to recall
Any evil I'd done to others
Or heartache I may have brought on to others
I've made mistakes
But this ... Too much a prize to pay

I fell in love, still in love
She was beautiful still is beautiful
Carbon copy of me ... Her mother
Her picture engraved in my memory

I remember her kicks
How she hated loud noises
Kicked frantically at the cinema
Twitches in the incubator with every sound

Now my angel has gone home
No more pain... Just peace
I'm missing her here on earth
God has her in His bosom

I shed silent tears in my heart for her
My angel watching over me
You at peace ... My heart broken in peaches
Trying to find some semblance in this madness

Some days I have no energy to wake
No motivation to do the things I use to do
I fell in love soo deeply... Soo purely
But God loves you more
Because He called you home

I wish I could be mad at God
And believe me I've tried
I even waged war on God
But quickly realised I'll lose each time

Death comes to all in time
But death came too swiftly for you
Gave me a taste of motherhood
Then stole you from me

Like a starving man I was given a taste
Like a dying man I was given a little bit of air
Then just as swiftly taken away

Now my mind is full of rumbles
Each day I do one thing to remember
Waking is strength in itself
Eating takes everything out of me

I'm tempted to just give up
But you fought a good fight
And you'll never forgive me if I gave up
Because you showed me what courage is about

I'm soo glad I held you in my arms
And watched you let go of me whilst
Holding God's hands
I kissed your cheeks
Your father kissed your forehead
we both tried to make our peace

But I'm still stuck in this new darkness
Praying for some light out of the darkness
Praying for some peace to fall over me
Praying to keep building my family

And when God is ready to call me home
When I'm taking my last breath
In many many years to come
I pray you'll be the one holding my hand
As I slip out of this life
To be forever reunited with my dear one

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Katiejon · 27/12/2013 22:21

Beautiful.

Fp123 · 27/12/2013 22:24

Thank you Katiejon

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KongKickeroo · 27/12/2013 22:35

That's one of the most beautiful and powerful things I've ever read Fp. I got tearful just reading it and thinking of you and your Ameera. Thank you for sharing it.

Fp123 · 27/12/2013 22:40

I didn't think I'll have the strength to write anything down but going to the cemetery and then forcing myself to go to the shopping centre took a lot more out of me than I thought. Thank you for reading the poem and for sharing my pain KongKickeroo.
I've got sooo much pain inside of me right now and I'm just soo afraid that one day I'll just lose it.

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Oblique27 · 27/12/2013 22:47

That is beautiful, Fp123.

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