I miss her

[WhisperMen]

I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, I just need to get it out I suppose.


My mum died when I was 16. She was an alcoholic and ended up drinking too much one day and having to go to ICU for a month before her organs just gave up.

I'm nearly 24 now and I really miss her today. I miss her not being there to ring when I feel poorly. It's been nearly 8 years since she died and I was just about accepting it until I got pregnant in April this year. I am now 30 weeks and I need her here. She will never know her grandchild and my baby will never know her grandma. Pregnancy is confusing and emotional and I really wish she was here to laugh at my baby brain, or offer advice.

I don't know what I want from this post, other than just a bit of a venting of feelings.

[greenpencils90]

Hi there, sorry to hear that your having a tough time. I lost my mum when i was 9 (14 years ago) and have always worried about how I will cope when I do have a family. Its one of the hardest things to go through in grief knowing they wont be there. Im not pregnant at the moment, but hope to be one day in the near future, and know it will be a beautiful and very sad time to do it without her. I've always depended alot on my grandmother and stepmother to fill that gap, and it does always help, but never quite heal. Do you have other family members you could talk to about your mum/your worries? I found it very hard but also healing to hear about her pregnancy with me (which was very troubled) from my gran.

I hope that you find a little peace in your grief, especially during the last parts of your pregnancy.

Lots of positive and healing vibes heading your way.

p.s My grandad (on my mum's side, who also passed very recently) whilst in his specialist cancer clinic was told to write a letter to my mum and tell her how he felt about her not being her, her illness and ask her for help, he was then told to burn it (or put it in the sea). I haven't done this myself, but can see how it might bring some relief or at least vent some emotions. xxxxxx

[WhisperMen]

Thankyou for replying greenpea I'm sorry to hear about your mum. Losing a parent at any age is horrible.

I have written letters to her in the past and keep them in a little box with some of her things.

I have a step mum who I'm not that close to, but would love it if I talked to her I think. The problem is I can't because of past issues, I will never see her as someone to go to for help.

[greenpencils90]

it is isnt it, but it gets easier with time.

Maybe I should try the letters too, its been a tough few months loosing grandad too so i think it may help.

Im sure she would love it if you talked to her, but you have to do what makes you comfortable. My step mum was around before mum passed, and was very good friends with her, so it's made it easier to talk to her about things in the past, but i know some things are hard to talk to anyone but the real deal about.

I've always hoped that one day becoming a mum would help in some way, because you regain some of that motherly love? (im not sure that makes any sense?)

Do you have any close friends/partner you feel you can talk to about these feelings? I've opened up a few times to my other half and although its hard to drag it all back up, i do feel better after. I've also considered going back to see my therapist just to chat about my worries etc, found it very helpful a few years ago when other life things were going on!

[WhisperMen]

I sometimes talk to my DP, but I don't really like talking about stuff that upsets me because it upsets others. He also never knows what to say to make me feel better either because he can't really relate to it.

I had a best friend whose dad died a few weeks before my mum and it helped at the time to have someone who knew what it was like. Unfortunately she has moved to Dubai and I don't get to talk to her very much any more.

I am excited to be a mother. I can't wait to meet baby and sort of regain the motherly love thing you said.

[greenpencils90]

Yeah I know what you mean, sometimes what I say really upsets him, and you don't want to put someone you love through that pain, but i always try and think, if he needed to talk, then i would love to listen even if it was upsetting... Yeah, i get that too, its so hard for people to try and understand, because even if they have been through very similar things, its not ever the same. At least we have them to talk to, and im sure he is happy to be a shoulder to lean on.

Wow, what a sad but, what must have been, very conforting time for both of you. So sad that she isn't closer, my best friend lived in bermuda for years (lucky git!) and I barely talked to her, but when I do its so conforting! Could you try and skype? we did a bit, but its difficult because it feels strange crying/laughing/talking to a computer!

Aww I bet, I am sure that your new arrival will bring so much joy to you both, and maybe bring you closer to feeling a little bit more normal.

My heart really goes out to you, and everyone else who's lost parent, because we know how sad and strange it can all feel. I would say have a large glass of wine and a cry, but im not sure baby would approve perhaps a cup of tea! And seen as Im not drinking either, then I will raise one for you too xx