please help me figure out how to tell DD 13 about her Dad

(31 Posts)

I haven't posted for a very long time but a terrible tragedy has happened and mumsnet was the first place I thought of.
My DD is currently having her dinner with DP and my DS and it is probably her last meal before she finds out her father is dead.
I was divorced from her father and my DD did not see him very often, the last time was on her birthday. He was an alcoholic and things were not great after DP and I packed up the kids and moved to Hertfordshire, leaving him in London.
The bloody bugger has only gone and hung himself. I found out about 30 mins ago. It is horrendous as you can imagine and I don't want to tell her he has committed suicide but we do have a policy of honesty. However, protecting her trumps honesty. I feel so devastated that my DD will now have her whole life shaped by this and I don't want it to impact too negatively.
One of my worries is that if I don't tell her that he killed himself she will find out from his dysfunctional mother and brother and then she will have trust issues. Fuck, it is such a mess. I haven't processed how I am feeling yet, I just feel awful that he was in such a terrible placeand awful that my DD is soon going to learn about it.
Can anyone come and hold my hand, please?

Thanks again guys. We have told her and we have layered it. She knows he has died suddenly but that we are not sure of all the details. She took it how we expected but we have told her that there are no right and wrong feelings and things will take time to sink in. She says she is in shock but I think she will get through this. She said that she always thought this would happen as she knew he drank excessively and that it was likely to be an alcohol related death. I will tell her tomorrow some more details. But tonight we are going to get duvets down on the sofas, break out the Christmas chocolate and watch trashy telly. So, the anticipation of telling her was worse than the actual thing in fact.
You guys helped me find the strength to do what I knew was the right thing to do.

ohmeohmyforgotlogin Mon 30-Sep-13 06:56:54

Well done. Hang in there, it will be a long journey but there will be support available.

Lobo Mon 30-Sep-13 16:25:53

Hi Ghost
I have just read your post and hope you are all doing okay considering the circumstances. 6 weeks ago I had to explain to my 7 year old (and 2 year old) their daddy (my ex-husband) died (suicide)I am using the layering technique and it has made it more manageable for me to answer any questions. Obviously your daughter is older than mine but I recently purchased a book from Winstons Wish called beyond the rough rock. After flicking through I think it is going to help us greatly.
Thinking of you and your daughter x

Teslaedison Mon 30-Sep-13 17:54:23

So sorry to hear about your situation. Here another website which may be useful www.uk-sobs.org.uk. It's awful telling your children that their father died, my daughter howled.

Thinking of you and your family.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Mon 30-Sep-13 18:52:13

I am sorry what has happened to your ex partner and your daughters Dad.

I also think the layering technique might be the best way to go, but can understand how that would be hard to do for some.

I hope your daughter can get appropriate bereavement counselling and you can be there to support each other. I can't imagine what you all must be going through and such a horrible way to go.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Mon 30-Sep-13 18:53:33

Sorry, forgot to read page two.

I am glad you have done this.

Good luck with your daughter. I am glad you are spending some time together, just you two.

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