Does grief ever go?

(13 Posts)
Blondeshavemorefun Mon 28-Oct-13 22:42:25

Grief never goes but as time goes by you learn to live with it and cope - as I always say there is choice

But weeks months years later and something can set you off - a memory - a song - a smell etc

My wedding song would always set me off in years - now I hear it on the radio and think of what a happy day/marriage we had and smile of the good memories

Grief is the price you pay for loving someone.

When my dad died 18 months ago, someone told me that grief is short but mourning is long, and I have found it to be so. The helpless frenzy of the initial process has dissipated, but they have been replaced by a real deep sadness that he is not here, that he is missing, that the world is moving on without him. I feel more sadness now than I did then, and I miss him more, too.

TCG: haven't seen you on here for ages, but I remember three years ago. I hope you're OK. Nice to see you again.

coribells Mon 14-Oct-13 11:58:38

My mother died over 20 years ago. IME grief never goes, of course it does get easier over and it's not so overwhelming on a daily basis. But at times over stress and major milestones I well up .

My DW died nearly 3 years ago, grief comes and goes and life changes it can be hard but it can be beautiful in equal measure. If you need to talk PM me and I hope you are doing OK x

Mum died 27 years ago this November. I still think of her, and still talk 'to' her. Her death isn't something I dwell on, but sometimes there are things that take me back to the night she died, and the shock of it, and the grief. It was half my lifetime ago (I was 27), and so much has changed since I lost her - so many things would have been different if she were still alive. I think grief changes over time - for me, it's more sentimental than painful, now, but it's definitely still with me. I like to think she is, too (not in a woo way, hard to explain). Maybe it's just that I understand her more now I'm almost the age she was when she died - I dunno. Sometimes I just wish we could have one more chat at the kitchen table, like we used to. So no, I don't think it ever leaves you totally, it just morphs into something more bearable - except for those moments when it hits you like it just happened - could be a scent, a tune, a place that bring it all back - but it's a fleeting thing now - comes and goes. In some ways it's a comfort, knowing that I haven't totally lost the old memories, and they will always be with me.

Ilovegeorgeclooney Tue 17-Sep-13 20:45:47

DH died 2 1/2 years ago, I just hope it gets better

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Tue 10-Sep-13 21:44:36

Pretty much what GraceAndVirtue said except Mum was 28 years ago (when my first child was 6 wks old) and Dad was 20 years ago (I was pregnant with last child).

You somehow weave it into the fabric of your life and learn to live with it, you have no choice.

Musicaltheatremum Tue 10-Sep-13 20:50:32

Theseboots, that's a very lovely quotation.
I lost my husband just over 17 months ago to a brain tumour. There are times when I am fine but with my last child leaving home this year (10 days ago) I am really struggling this week. I have realised I will never ever feel the same again. He was ill for 13 years so did well but had awful memory problems for 5 years so I lost the man I married bit by bit.

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Sat 07-Sep-13 21:29:41

IME it never goes, but you learn to live with it. There's a Terence Rattigan quote in the anthology "all in the end is harvest" (which I would recommend highly, btw) in which he says something like, I won't insult you by telling you you will forget, but in time you won't remember as fiercely as you do now, and I pray that time will be soon. I've always felt that summed the feeling up very well.

ssd Sat 07-Sep-13 21:19:35

agree with you both, the grief just never goes away we just became experts at hiding it

GraceAndVirtue Wed 04-Sep-13 18:09:40

My DM died 18 years ago, my DF 8 years ago. Most of the time I potter along fine but just recently have found myself filling up several times thinking about them.

I think it is because DC are now 18 and 21 and both branching off to do new things with their lives and I have no-one to share my pride with. I also realise that I have got them through the whole of their childhoods without my lovely lovely DM.

I imagine that when I'm older and becoming a grandparent myself, retiring or hitting some major life event I will still miss them. It is the price we pay for having loved someone so deeply.

Hi, not in my experience. I lost my wonderful DF to a cruel illness 5 years ago and there isn't a day that I don't think about him. Tears can sometimes come out of the blue, when I least expect it.

It's not a weakness, you miss people you love and its a natural reaction. Not sure that my response has answered your question confused, but you're definitely not alone in shedding random tears x

orangeandemons Wed 04-Sep-13 17:46:52

My dm died 7 and a half years ago. A thread on hers about teasmades, made me remember hers, and I just filled up, and started crying.

Htf a teasmade can make me cry I don't know, but it did. Do the random tears ever stop?

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