sick of death(2 Posts)
Please bear with me this may get very long and rambley ad is very very long I appricate you reading to the end. - I am crying and can hardly see the screen. Please excuse any typo's etc for this reason plus have had a couple of Vodka's. Please feel free to ask me any questions I promise I am not a hairy bloke or someone under a bridge although my story may seem that way.
I am sick of death I am sick of losing people. I don't know how much more I can take.
1st was my brother - I was only just 7 years old - I was 7 on 7th October he was born and died on 2nd November 1984. He lived for an hour was born at 29 weeks. I can still remember holding him after he died, how heavey he felt in my arms and being just 7 he was heavey to me. how yellow his skin was, (due to the condition he died from) how cold he felt the room we were in etc I have flashbacks about him 29 years later. I remember sooo much from that time. My mother blamed me for his death. I admit I played her up I was screaming for attention from her - I was being S abused at the time, she was only ever interested in my brother. She only ever wanted boys. She had me then my brother then my brother who died.
Fast forward I had My DS followed by my 1st DD 20 months 1 day later. she died aged 14 weeks and 2 days (3 months old) because of SIDS/Cot Death my DS was just 20 days from being 2 years old. My mother told me the day that DD died that I would never know what it was like to lose a child she also tried to orginise DD's funeral behind my back. A nurse at the hospital told me that I was young I could have another baby 20 minutes after my DD was pronounced. I have worked with FSID now called the Lullaby Trust and produced a police training video on how to deal with parents in the aftermath of a sudden infant death. This video is still being used to train police officers. If any police officers are reading this then will out me (my DD's name begins with G so you will know I am genuine I was wearing a pink top in the video). My arms still ache to hold her 11 years after she died watching those who are going onto secondary school hurts like hell cos she should be joining them this year. DD was a beautiful little girl who had just started to see the world round her, her smile was like a lightbulb and would light up the whole room.
4 years 1 month and 8 days later her daddy died My then DH. Suddenly and unexpentanly just 18 days after DS's 6th birthday. I was 28 years old a widow with a 6 year old DS and an 7 month old DD. 2 police officers at my door to tell me that he had been found in his lorry that morning. Both DH and DD died on a Weds. I still miss and love him 7 years on, long to hear his voice and for his strong arms around me ( i have since remarried).
2 years 8 months later DH's mother died - we were pretty close I saw her minimum once a week. I saw her 4 days before she died and she told me she was 'on her way out' I told her not to be so silly. 4 days later 2 police officers at my door to tell me she had been found at home, her neighbors alerted police as her milk hadn't been taken in. Why didn't I listen to her?
2 years ago the man who kinda adopted me as his daughter always looked out for me died because of cancer. Its a really long and complicated story but he was also my Late DH's best friend. He was amazing he took my DS under his wing after his dad died and was a father figure to him.
2 weeks ago my nan died. I am trying to support my grandad as best I can but all I am getting from my family is ' I will never know what it's like to lose a partner' for fucks sake I did lose my partner yes we were only married for 3 years we had been together for 9 years my grandparents had been married for 66 years I am sick of death I am sick of being told how I feel I am sick of being told I have no idea how it feels when in fact I know how it feels
Sorry this is long but just wanted to get it out.
I cannot say anything to make these deaths less painful. Iam am so sorry for you lossees. I am sure someone will be along to offer you better support than I can. I feel your pain and anger through the word of your post and it reminds me of a sad and similar conversation I had with my SIL. Cruse (i thin k) helped her a lot
I want to give you a big hug.. fuck MN etiquitte
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