Have just lost my baby at 25 weeks

(188 Posts)
Sleepathon Sun 25-Aug-13 12:49:40

I am sat with my hubby in hospital and have just been told that baby has died, there is no heartbeat.

I haven't really cried although my hubby is in bits. They are about to give me a tablet which will get things going to induce labour.

This was my first pregnancy. I think I may be in shock cos all I can think of is the practical things. Like cancelling the furniture order which is being delivered on Wednesday. Yesterday we did a massive shop, ordered a travel system, bought bedding, a cuddly toy etc. I have just cancelled an Asda order due for delivery where I had bought some nappies and sudocream etc.

The thing I am dreading is telling the rest of my family and my friends. I hate pity and I hate people feeling sorry for me. My family are all going to want to come round and I don't think I want to see them just yet.

I am scared about how I'm going to feel in the following months. It took us 18 months to conceive. Am I right in thinking I will get full maternity leave as baby is going to be classed as stillborn rather than miscarriage? One of my best friends at work is pregnant. And another has just had her baby.

What am I going to do with all the baby clothes I have bought? sad

Please say a prayer for us.
Any advice on coping is appreciated x

MabelMay Tue 17-Sep-13 22:27:42

Little Tulip, just came on here to send you sincerest sympathy and sorrow for your loss. It's all still so raw for you - don't rush yourself. Your hormones will have been sky-diving too which will add to the grief and the sense of your emotions feeling beyond your control.
Let yourself weep and grieve for little Ibrahim.
I'm so so sorry. Take care of yourself. thanks thanks

tinypumpkin Tue 17-Sep-13 10:49:30

Just popping by to say that I am thinking of you and your family. Remembering Ibrahim.

tinypumpkin Sat 14-Sep-13 20:00:06

Oh Little Tulip, I am so sorry that the days have been so hard. Imip has said everything that I wanted to say. I would say that life does become more manageable but it takes lots of time. It is almost four years for me now and it is easier to manage but I am no less sad. Hard to explain but I don't cry every day like I used to. I remember not being able to imagine a day that I didn't cry but it did happen.

I agree about the real life support. I too found the Sands helpline a lifeline. It's worth calling if you feel able to. I know it is hard to know what to say but the people are fantastic and it's fine to start a phone call with just tears. I did many a time.

I too found friends who had lost a baby (a twin in my case) and they have helped me through some of the darkest days and a subsequent pregnancy. They still do and I do not know where I would be without them.

Happy to listen via PM if you wanted to 'talk'. I don't know how your feel but I do understand what it is like to learn to live without your baby and all the hopes you had for your family's future together. x

imip Fri 13-Sep-13 06:38:06

(((*littletulip*))) I'm so sorry, this is grief, again so very normal. I always think that now the shock has worn off and this part is like acceptance. Now it is about trying to live life without ibrahim.

I spent many hours crying and like your dh, my dh didn't know what to do. He was very very concerned for me.

I does get better, but it is not a quick fix. I think it takes months for the crying to settle and even longer for the intense pain to go away. Even then it lessens, never goes completely. I guess you have to let grief run its course. I've been involved with sands for nearly eight years now and it really is very normal. As others suggest a difficult time where the grief slowly fades but never disappears.

Yes, that distinction between miscarriage and stillbirth is hard. Had this happened days earlier, you'd be on sick leave not maternity leave. It may be why you saw so many of us encourage you to take maternity leave over sick leave. Maternity leave has been such a hard fought for right. A recognition that you had a baby.

Fwiw, in Australia 20 weeks is the division between stillbirth and miscarriage. Not too long ago in the uk, it was 28 weeks.

Perhaps it might help to find some RL support? Keep posting here, the sands online forum as my lifeline when I lost my eldest. The lady who sent you a card who had lost her baby at 23 weeks perhaps? People come out of the woodwork when these things happen. At a baby loss meeting, perhaps you could find someone on a similar stage of your grief journey as you?

I meet someone almost eight years ago and we have gone on to have nervous pregnancies together and been wonderful support for each other.

Just keep getting through each day. Any short art/drawing courses that you'd like to do that might help occupy your mind? Something as a small distraction from the day-to-day? Keep posting. We've been there, keep leaning on us. You'll get through this but you will be a different person xxx

LittleTulip Fri 13-Sep-13 01:23:36

Can't stop crying and DH doesn't know what to do with me. Never knew I could feel this terrible, this sad, this lost. Have spent the last 3 days under a blanket on the sofa. Don't really know what to do? Is it my hormones as well do you think? Still not heard from the bereavement nurse.

I remember when we were told about this and on our return from the hospital I said to DH, if this had happened last week it would have been classed as a miscarriage! As if playing it down would make it all better. How things change...when the little life you once had magnificent hopes and dreams for is laying asleep in your arms never to wake up.

It does get better doesn't it?

carameldecaflatte Wed 11-Sep-13 23:44:32

I'm so very very sorry for your loss Sleep.

It is the worst thing in the world but you will survive. Fall apart when you have to, lean on whoever offers a shoulder and don't listen to anyone who tells you how to grieve or for how long.
My first son was stillborn and I wish I had spent more time holding him and I wish I had my own camera. And I wish someone had told me just how important that time and those photos would become.
I was terrified throughout my subsequent pregnancy but I now have my wonderful DS (15 months).

I'm so sorry love.

WeAreSeven Wed 11-Sep-13 23:29:32

I know, LT.

I remember thinking, before I lost dd, if I every heard of someone losing a child "That must be truly terrible"
But until it happens to you, you really don't know how terrible it is and that the grief is physical.
I had a bereavement counsellor who was a social worker who specialised in bereavement. She was a lovely person. I don't know if I could say she helped as such because as I thought at the time, and still think, no amount of counselling in the world can bring your baby back and that is the only thing that could properly help.
But, she did let me know that what I felt was normal, everything I felt. The pain, the anger. That I visited dd's grave every single day for a very long time, felt compelled to. And that there was no "normal" that fits every bereaved parent. For example, on our bereaved Mums thread, there are some who never visit their child's grave because it's too painful and doesn't help them. I wasn't like that but that it was OK because normal for me is not normal for them.
We are here if you feel ready to join us.
I didn't want to join the thread initially. I really didn't want to be a bereaved Mum, didn't want the label. Who would? But these ladies have been a lifeline to me and many others along the way.

wifeymerrick Wed 11-Sep-13 23:22:42

Just read ur whole post tulip and my heart is truly breaking for u and ur family.......I'm so sorry and y prayers are with u and ur beautiful sleeping boy x x x

tinypumpkin Wed 11-Sep-13 19:43:27

I understand about the name change LittleTulip, I did the same elsewhere after losing DD1. I couldn't bear to be associated with that name anymore.

I hope that the nurse is supportive and can listen to you. I am glad that a colleague has been able to offer you some comfort too. Like you, I also appreciated hearing from those who had lost a precious baby, their understanding was so helpful.

Wishing you gentle days .

It's surprising how many people go through something like this. I remember my brother's ex-girlfriend getting in touch when I lost DS2 and I found out she had also lost a baby late in pregnancy.
I found her complete understanding very comforting and when I heard that this happened to a former colleague I made sure I got in touch.

LittleTulip Wed 11-Sep-13 18:18:21

I have name changed as originally had Sleepathon as was so very tired in pregnancy and seems wrong to keep that name now!

Funny how I never quite understood what heartbreak was until this happened. It really does feel like my heart is in a million pieces and the pain sometimes unbearable and stifling. Phoned the bereavement nurse today, I remember when I was given her number during when being induced and I almost scoffed thinking I won't need her! Well I don't quite know what to expect from the nurse but there's no harm in it?

Received a card from somebody at work today. I don't really know her, she's just somebody in my department. Anyway she wrote that she found herself in my position 8 years ago and that she knew how I felt. She lost her baby at 23 weeks too and 18 months later she had a healthy baby. I found it really comforting to know that somebody nearby had gone through the same.

Reading other threads and posts on here also help me feel connected too - if only it is by grief..

tinypumpkin Tue 10-Sep-13 20:24:58

Good to hear from you Sleep. I also focused on trying again, as the others have said, it is totally normal.

I think you have done so well texting your friend after her scan and picking up Ibrahim's photos. I hope that the photos are something that you can treasure forever.

I understand the smoking thing, I found that hard to deal with too as we spent a lot of time at the hospital after DD1 died (DD2 survived, her twin). It used to really get to me for the reasons you mentioned. Again, this is totally normal.

Another one who found contacting support groups helpful, simply to be around those who understood. Many have helplines that are great if you find it too hard to go in person (totally understandable).

Keeping you and Ibrahim in my thoughts x

imip Mon 09-Sep-13 21:52:24

Sleep, don't worry about focussing on trying again, it is completely normal. I think it is a positive thing, though I know how enormously hard it is when you have just had a much-wanted baby. Also, I think a big unspoken topic surrounding this type of bereavement is having sex again.

I think my mil is involved with project Linus, she sent us a quilt for our beautiful girl just before she died. Donating money to a charity is such a positive thing. I Remember a group of my friends banding together and donating to an australian charity (I am australian but live in the uk, I am sooo outing myself!). The thing was two of them were pregnant at the time. I was so touched and amazed as other pregnant friends had been frankly, quite shit.

Well done for contacting your friend who had the scan. Way braver than I would have been! I get cross that hospitals would still make bereaved parents walk through crowded antenatal clinics for appointments.

I hear you about being too scared about ttc, but the alternative, not ever having children, is to unbearable to speak about. And I guess that is where the strength to try again comes from. It is so sad to hear so many women on this thread experiencing baby loss. sad

Do you have any local bereavement groups that you could attend sleep? I am glad that you are comfortable with deciding to go on maternity leave. It is hard to imagine how lost you feel before you have given birth. Thinking of you, dh and Ibrahim x

WeAreSeven Mon 09-Sep-13 19:47:00

Sleep, I am so very sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter to SIDS after she was born prematurely. She lived for seven weeks.

I felt very bitter towards some mothers. I found TV shows like Toddlers and Tiaras very upsetting. dd was my only daughter after four boys and I couldn't understand why those silly women who made their daughters look like mini-adults were allowed to keep their daughters when I had lost mine. I never drank or smoked or did anything wrong during my pregnancy but someone I knew who drank a lot had a fullterm healthy baby. I felt and still feel very jealous of her.

You never get over it but it does get easier to bear. We are almost two years into this horrible journey and it's still hard but nothing like as hard as it was in the first few months.

Most of the Mums I know on MN and outside who lost a baby to stillbirth have gone on to have healthy babies. I can't, sadly but I understand the yearning to get pregnant again.

Sleepathon Mon 09-Sep-13 18:59:00

Oops..

... Ibrahim was wrapped in the most adorable blanket donated by Project Linus.

I know it is still soon but I am so dates if trying for a baby and about wether we will conceive again. It took us so long in the first place. What if I am never meant to have children? TTC was so stressful, not sure i can do it anymore but if we don't try then where is the hope in life?

Sleepathon Mon 09-Sep-13 18:56:24

We are ok thank you tiny.
It'll be 2 weeks since I gave birth tomorrow. I keep doing that, 2 weeks since this happened, 10 days since that, and 3 weeks ago I was blissfully unaware of what was to come and was the happiest person alive.

My friend had her 12 week scan today, I braved it and texted her. It was hard and I am outrageously jealous. I remember having my 12 week scan, funny how I thought I would have been over the worst of any problems after it!

We went to pick up Ibrahim's photos from the hospital on Friday, it wasn't too traumatic. Walked through a waiting room full of pregnant women waiting for various appointments. The worst thing was when I walked outside and saw a very heavily pregnant woman puffing away on a fag. It's the injustice of it all. She's probably going to have a perfectly healthy baby and I don't have anything.

Find it quite difficult to get motivated everyday. Glad I took everyone's advice and now on maternity leave. Already absolutely dreading going backto work. Best I don't think of it for a while...although work had a collection going to send flowers to me, however I have asked them to get the money and send it to a charity (Project Linus - they make patchwork blankets for poorly children)

tinypumpkin Sun 08-Sep-13 20:33:54

How are you doing Sleep? Have been thinking of you, your DH and Ibrahim. Keeping you all in my thoughts.

MyBoysAreFab Wed 04-Sep-13 10:17:24

Sleepathon, I had to post after reading this. Your posts are both heartwrenching and beautiful. My sister-in-law went through what you have.

I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel, but you are bound to go through different stages of grief. Take all the help and support offered and seek it out if you need it. Be kind to yourselves, your beautiful boy will always be there with you. flowers

dontmixthecolours Wed 04-Sep-13 10:13:36

I'm so sorry that you lost Ibrahim sleep. Please know that the pain will lessen as time goes on. This is all still very fresh and raw and what you are feeling is totally normal

And please take time to grieve and acknowledge your huge loss. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need too.

My son, Christopher was born at 20 weeks 2 years ago and, as a previous poster said we keep him alive by talking about him with his sisters, he will always be part of our family.

Sending your much love

WireCat Wed 04-Sep-13 09:54:24

I am so sorry xxx

OctopusPete8 Wed 04-Sep-13 09:52:27

So sorry for your loss thanks

will be thinking of you.

you need to do what is right for you by all means tell ppl close but say you're not read to see anyone.

imip Wed 04-Sep-13 09:50:40

Holding your hand, sleep (xxx). I counted down like that for a long time. One week to the minute that I had my little baby girl, I wrote all about her birth and the events leading up to it. It's tucked away in her memory box and perhaps one day I will be strong enough to read it.

tinypumpkin Tue 03-Sep-13 21:23:28

The if onlys are hard aren't they Sleep. I have been thinking of you and your beautiful boy.

Keep talking to us, we are listening. Wishing it was so very different for all of us who have lost a child.

Sending much love to you and remembering Ibrahim with you.

Sleepathon Tue 03-Sep-13 20:48:03

This time last week my beautiful son Ibrahim was born asleep.

Life is a bit of a daze right now. Don't know whether I'm coming or going. Can't believe 2013 was my happiest but will also be the saddest year of my life.

If only I could have one more cuddle, one more kiss. If only I could tuck him back into my tummy again and never let him out.

imip Mon 02-Sep-13 05:53:24

(((Sleep)))). I remember the pain of seeing other pregnant women so well. This is a really hard time and you just need to do what you need to do to get through each day. If a these involve jealous feelings, don't worry about having them. You are grieving and it is entirely natural. I thought would suffocate with all the pregnant people around me.

For me, the worst of those feelings subsided after the birth of dd1, however, I would never say that they completely went. Even now, when someone blissfully mentions their first pregnancy I feel a little bit of resentment. I am not ashamed to admit it, it hurts. Why couldn't my first pregnancy turn out like that.but I don't feel the bitterness that I used to feel. And thank God, I felt like that bitterness would consume me at times.

Also, you did nothing to cause the death of your baby. But you will always try to find out what you did wrong. You did nothing wrong.

As others have mention, you learn to live with this. It's not easy to get to this point. My daughter would be almost 8 now and I still think of her every day and her younger sisters mention her all the time. She is part of our family, of our 'story'. We've kept her alive in our hearts by including her in our family.

Wishing you and your dh peace....x

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