Stately Homes Bereavement & Wishes Not Fulfilled - Help Me Sort at his Out in My Head Please...(3 Posts)
Sorry, just realised I wrote scattering of mums ashes - Dad has said he is taking a "file" ?? That the local undertaker has now put them in, instead of the original casket needed for internment & he now intends to dig a whole & bury it himself on top of our grandmothers grave, there's space there for 6 internments for other family members, himself included, so I feel really really uncomfortable with that, but can't speak without crying, don't want to upset him more, nut at the same as I've said I am deeply upset that I the people DM absolutely doted on are letting her down
Apologies for bizarre writing style, using voice software to type for me & it's rubbish & same goes for typos -
Lost a bit of text too - also deeply upset that DMs final wishes aren't being met & DB & DF & aunt don't seem to care nor understand that DMs religion would expect more - DMs brother & my cousins agree that even if DF couldn't handle anyone else being there, they were all fine with that, but being properly interred with a blessing & memorial plaque would be the closest possible to DMs wishes
& I'm now also left feeling deeply embarrassed as I ve been painted as the black sheep who could do no right for years, so have had little to do with any of my family a s a result of feeling they all believed my seemingly sweet DM & that I would never be believed & here I am again & it's eating me up, want to be there for my DF but just don't feel I can after this as he has no regard for my own feeling at all
Not sure if this is the correct place, but it is bereavement linked & I am feeling very bereft right now, but complicated.
I've had a difficult relationship with my family for years, classic stately homes thread stuff, DB as golden boy could do no wrong, but has never been the son my DM believed him to be - DM ruled the roost, I was always the outsider & many many things were wrong, for years I was put in situations were I had to jump through hoops to please & basically could never do right for doing wrong in DMs eyes DF was often as bad & supported anything my DM said or did & quite often enjoying stirring it up too - I eventually hit a point were I said enoughs enough, i stopped buying into the game playing, which resulting in my frequently being excommunicated from the family, sometimes for years on end, this included my young DD too. DM did have serious health issues, was severely disable, which lead to the controlling behaviour & insecurity that often had her treat me as if I was " the other woman" with both DB & DF.
Sometimes though she could be her old lovely self, but I didn't see much of that in later years, but thankfully I got to spend time with her before she died, some of that horrible harrowing times where she went through hell & back in hospital, fought & survived a killer infection, only to get well & be taken by another hospital Acquired infection - but I was by her bedside for those last few weeks & when she was well enough she let me know she knew I'd been there, knew all I had done for her & apologised for how she had been to me over the years - I was looking forward to a fresh start - sadly not to be.
My Dad during this time was naturally falling apart, as was my DB, both seemed to want to make a show to others of how much time they were spending at the hospital etc, but in reality they couldn't cope & kept running out, meaning they weren't there anything like as much as they told people - I was staying with DF during this time, as at that point DB & I hadn't spoken for years - no fall out, just ignored - DB later owned up that there never was a reason for it that I was r responsible for, simply that he was under a lot if stress, not good with money, under threat of having his flat repossessed, redundancy & DM would go on & on at him about me, until he gave in & ignored me - he relied in her a lot for financial help,
Anyway, during this time, DF wasn't agreeing with my questioning the hospital over DMs treatment, kept blowing up & storming out if the hospital if I spoke to a nurse to ask for something etc etc, felt like walking on eggs shells at their house, constant comments about DD being disruptive etc etc -which she really isn't - this culminated in him kicking myself & DD out - at night with nowhere to go, thankfully found a decent B&B, but in circumstances little money to spare so it was the last thing we needed to be doing - I let it go as I understood he was grieving & panicking - we moved back in when he apologised, only to have him kick off again, this time we had set up the spare room to keep out of his way & this time we were lazy & I was a terrible mum who left DD to watch TV & play video games 24/7 -not our normal routine at all, but trying to be respectful of his space & keep out of his way - the usual cant do right for doing wrong -ended up kicked out again, though this time DB invited us to stay & lot of bridges built there, which has been lovely.
I've been there for them all, put the past behind me, left my DH home alone at the other end of the country & did the right thing - but at times with my Dad found it really hard, I also realised that DM wasn't the only one that had a weird form of misplaced jealousy, DF was displaying it too - it became obvious at times he resented her being happy to be with me & acknowledge the things I did for her & he was trying to compete, but I could also see for the first time t hat despite their volatile, back biting dysfunctional relationship, they absolutely adored each other.
Back story might be relevant to my main reason to posting, hence why the long waffle
I could go on & on, but in short, i came home as DD had an important appointment,with intentions if going back in a few days - DM was on the mend, Doctors insisted that despite my sensing something not right & her crying out in pain, that she really was fine & to go - she was dead within 36 hours - Dad was with her when she died, which having seen them together was as it should be -
I thought I would fall apart, but realise that in reality I have been grieving mum for years already & weirdly felt closer to her than I had for a long long time, we've had several inexplicable happenings that have brought me comfort too.. So I have coped better than I thought I would - well up until now that is...
I've been putting my energies in to helping DB & DF - DF was a worry at first as he was suicidal, but with lots if support & TLC he has come through the worst of it...
DM had very definite wishes of wanting to be buried back in the town where we were all born - on the other side of the country - DF was in a complete panic about this & DMs sister convinced him it was a bad idea, to cremate her where they lived & take her ashes back " home" something to do with diocese & needing a license to cross each one & pay each church to move a body across country- also my dad was panicking about it being hot & mums body spoiling - also logistics of scattered family & friends made there current hometown a more central place for her funeral - so Dad was relieved to find that he only had to make one phone all & the undertakers took over.
He then asked me to organise getting DMs ashes to her final resting place, agreed it needed to be done properly as DM was really religious even if he & DB are both atheists - I wasn't looking forward to this st all, but understood as the eldest if Dad couldn't cope, it would be my place to do so - so with the help of my cousin Who still lives there, I started gathering information As regards what was possible, I spoke with family members to see Who would be available if they chose to attend - Spoke with the local undertaker It was very helpful and explained the possibilities and got the deeds to a family plot - Possible dates were mentioned, but nothing arranged, I tried to get the okay from my DF, making sure he was happy at all times
- Then suddenly after speaking to mums sister he decides Out of the blue that mums ashes are going to be scattered on an existing grave of my grandmothers - he tells me that my aunt has told him that I had already arranged a proper second funeral for 7 September, which is just not true - And that He wants nothing to do with it & he wants nonone else there Other than me as support for him whilst he throws the ashes on my Grandmother's grave. - no proper internment, no priest blessing & no memorial at all as he can't cope with more upset - he tells me & no doubt my family too that I have got carried away & taken over & he's upset & angry with me
Much more too this story, but written too much all ready, but basically DB being spineless & agreeing with which ever he speaks too, so no help a all & I suddenly feel completely bereft, I've cried myself sick for 2 days now, feel really hurt by dads inability to see that I have feelings too & was only trying to do what he asked me & have mum laid to rest as close as possible to the way she wanted to be - DF being totally unreasonable & no shifting him at all
I feel very upset & angry about the way I have been treat, I feel stupid for ever believing that my family could be in anyway normal & where as I have rang Dad every day, travelled the length of the country several times in the last 2 months to help & support him & DB, rearranged Christmas plans to go ack up there, which really isn't ideal, but felt it was my duty this first Xmas without DM.
Help me come to terms with this please