Walking together on a journey - sharing experiences, tears, anger and sometimes even laughter. United we stand, divided we fall.

(973 Posts)

This special thread was started in 2008. Its a special place - one which nobody would ever willingly come to. I hope we pay tribute to our lost children by helping each other. xxxx

dreamdealer Thu 01-May-14 15:31:42

www.poetrysoup.com/poems_poets/poem_detail.aspx?ID=508329

Just a poem and a song from it. God bless you all. Deepest condolences for those suffering.

shabbs Sun 13-Apr-14 13:51:39

Our new thread

Just noticed that we are almost up to the 1,000 messages so I have started a new thread.

Hope everyone is OK - whatever the hell OK is!!! xx

Ozne Sun 13-Apr-14 13:12:53

Hi folks. Just checking in under a new name - previously zeno but can't log that one in any more due to the password change shenanigans.

Sending love and strength to the parents joining the thread.

My firstborn dd died suddenly aged 4 from a mercifully rare viral complication. Dd2 was born some weeks later, which makes for some extreme living experience. We are survivors, and I am grateful to this thread for helping us survive and thrive.

Shabs, sending you an extra squeeze. My own dad died two years ago and I lost my champion and my witness, my fellow survivor.

I felt bob geldof expressed it so well - a family fractured many times, but not broken.

LilyTheSavage Sun 13-Apr-14 07:51:47

Not odd at all shabbs.

It's strange what moves us and makes us feel things most deeply. We were at a big end of season awards dinner last night presenting a trophy in memory of Paddy and I stood in front of 150 people without crying (I shook a bit). But I smiled and congratulated the winner without sobbing. I felt extremely emotional though. But then I cried and cried when I was mowing the grass a few days ago. Weird.

I can cope with some people comforting me but not others. Some people irritate me but others I like being with. I am irrational and unpredictable.

shabbs Sat 12-Apr-14 16:54:06

Im really odd Lilly!!! You may have noticed wink

Its just my way - I cant cry - then a simple silly thing will set me off in floods of tears. Like this morning.....we live in an area with a lot of houses - next to a town. BUT we have a wooded area nearby with a very big pond/lake. I was stood outside this morning and two massive Geese flew overhead - honking loudly. They were so low down that I could hear their wings - for whatever reason that made me sob.

Even as a little girl I didnt like people physically comforting me? I have no idea why!

frasersmummy Sat 12-Apr-14 15:54:10

hi to our new mums sorr you find yourself here but hopefully you will find some comfort here

i remember the early days of grief only too well .. you just dont know how you will ever cope
but you will eventually find a new "normality" a normaility where your precous child is a memory, never to be forgotten but one that you can live with.
The best advice I have is try not to think too far ahead at the moment , concentrate on getting through the next hour without crying and then till lunch time etc.. eventually ever so slowly you will find you can get through a day and then a week and atr some point in what is the very distant future you will make plans for holidays and birthdays and stuff

till that day arrives you will have all sorts of emotions and thoughts and some of it will make you think you are mad.. but trust me on this if nothing else .. there is nothing you will experience that at least one of us on here hae experienced ..

so come share your experience.. talking really does help .. we are here to listen and help you keep going

LilyTheSavage Sat 12-Apr-14 14:31:17

aw..... sending you a hug. Why do you need to try to pin on a smile? Can't you just let yourself grieve for your dad or are there other people around and you don't feel can just let go?

XXX

shabbs Sat 12-Apr-14 13:11:12

Afternoon girls.

My Dads passing has hit me like a sledgehammer today. Am just trying to pin on a smile. xxx

LilyTheSavage Fri 11-Apr-14 21:55:37

I'm just reading everybody's messages of love and support to cathpip and remembering why I joined this thread.

Thank you everybody for your continued love and support. My friends who are strangers, but yet aren't strangers. People who I share my quietest feelings with. People who don't shy away.

You make it easier to bear the pain and darkness.

Hello cathpip and Minmooch. You are right, this is the thread that everyone but a few compassionate souls shy away from. No-one ever wants to be here. But there are sadly too many of us here, and I am so sad that you are joining us. Yet please know that amidst all the pain, turmoil and grief you are experiencing, this is truly a safe haven.

Please - tell us about Will and Pippa. We would love to hear about them. We all keep our children close here, regardless of what anyone else might think. We say their names, we remember, and we are so proud of our children.

My beautiful red-headed Mia died totally unexpectedly in October 2011 at the age of 13 months. Almost exactly 13 months later, a timeframe which included Mia's inquest, her little rainbow brother Finn was born. He is a joy and we adore him. But he is not her.

So many people here helped me along this crappy path. While you are totally overwhelmed by pain and utter incomprehension at the moment, I do hope I can try to help you both too... No judgement, just understanding. Xx

Mojito100 Fri 11-Apr-14 17:33:51

To all if you - those that have sadly been here for awhile, those that have had such recent and tragic losses and those that empathise with what we each live with... may you all continue taking one step at a time, be cared for by others and know that you are never alone. We are all on this journey at different stages, different times and for different reasons. The support from you all has been invaluable and I hope those who have so recently lost loved ones find the support they need. I'm sure you will.

HeavenlyE Fri 11-Apr-14 16:53:27

Hello everyone

I came on today as I am going away for a week and a bit and won't be accessing the internet. I was saddened to read about Pippa, Cath _ I saw her lovely picture, she looks so happy and vibrant. It is really incomprehensible that we have to live without our children.

Theday I felt very touched to read your post where you said you thought of us a lot. Sometimes I feel very isolated and like a freak of nature so it is comforting to know there are others walking this path (though I wish none of us had to).

Lily the 10th is a resonant date for me too as DS2 was born on the 10th December. He would have been 16 months yesterday. I would have loved to hear him talk: he was babbling loads and saying 'mamama' so I like to think 'mummy' would have followed soon.

minmooch Fri 11-Apr-14 15:25:29

Thought I would pop my head into the thread and say hello. My son died 6 weeks ago from a brain tumour. I too have shied away from this thread although since my son died I have been reading it.

I'm so sorry that we are all here xxx

snorris Fri 11-Apr-14 11:16:49

Yes, 1st June. Very strange situation to be in. We had always known that we would be facing this but it still never prepares you for the reality of when it happens. It's the little things that get me, tv programmes that she used to watch and I saw a t-shirt the other day that would have been perfect for her a dd5 to have one each.

How are you doing?

shabbs Fri 11-Apr-14 08:30:18

Oh my word Snorris - coming up to a year???? I bet it feels like yesterday and a hundred years ago all in the same thought. I think about you often - sending my love to you and yours xx

snorris Fri 11-Apr-14 08:17:18

Cathpip - so sorry about your daughter. It is just coming up for a year since I lost my 7 year old daughter.

LilyTheSavage Fri 11-Apr-14 08:05:40

Hi cathpip.
Welcome to our thread and I'm so sorry about your DD. I am quite new to this thread too as my DS2 died a few months ago and I have two other DS.

All you can do is function. Don't try to think yet, just be.

We're all here and sending you hugs. XX

shabbs Fri 11-Apr-14 07:37:26

Morning girls xx

Cathpip welcome to our special thread - just so very sorry you had to come here. So sad to read about your precious daughter. I know (we all do) the way you are feeling - shock, numbness, then anger, then sadness.

I lost one of my twin baby boys 32 years ago and my third son, when he was 7, 22 years ago. I know that you wont believe me now but those emotions of fear and not knowing how to carry on with your life do gradually change. Now I am left with the emotion of longing to see my lads again, to have a peep at them to see what they look like now.

Stay with us - this is a thread of understanding, love, and even sometimes happiness. xxx

thedaymylifestoodstill Fri 11-Apr-14 07:12:01

Hi Cath
I understand your sentiment. Before we lost our DD I used to look at this page and shudder and feel for those 'poor other people' and then think of course it will never happen to me. But here we are, sadly.

Once again I wanted to say how sorry I was, I went to bed last night talking about you and Pippa to my DH. I wish thoughts could do something, but we are all here for you.

Right now you will probably be in shock and going through the barest of motions (that's what I found in my situation). It's too unreal, of course it is and it is totally unbelievable.

The women on this thread have helped me ever so, more than they know. I hope we can provide virtual assistance whenever you need us.

It's early days yet and I won't overload you with information, but if you want any practical advice or how to deal with your other DC and explaining what happened, or the aftermath, please ask. We have other DC too.

Your picture of Pippa made my heart melt. She has an incredibly cheeky face and looks like a lovely little pickle.

If you want to talk more about her, again we are here.

Does your midwife know? I would ask for all available help from them, see if they can refer you for counselling (not that it will ever magically take away what happened to Pippa, however in time you may want to speak to someone) and offer you and your little ones support? Your HV may also be able to provide advice for your 5 yo.

One moment at a time, that's all you can do.

xxxx

cathpip Fri 11-Apr-14 06:56:07

I have never wanted to look at or come near this thread but here I am, utterly lost and heartbroken after my beautiful daughter Pippa age 3 passed away very quickly from septicemia due to pneumonia. Pippa had become a big sister 10 days earlier to Elliott and she was smitten with him as was her older brother Aubrey. Pippa is everywhere, I even found a pair of discarded knickers under some toys, I just can't understand how I am meant to move forward, the only thing keeping me going are both my boys, I need to be near them where as my husband just wants solitude.

thedaymylifestoodstill Thu 10-Apr-14 21:32:31

Lily thanks

We're here whenever you need us xx

LilyTheSavage Thu 10-Apr-14 21:28:19

I think of you all..... very often. I just feel very quiet and sad at the moment and it's difficult to write.
I still think of you though. xxx

thedaymylifestoodstill Thu 10-Apr-14 21:13:26

sad I've just seen another thread with another mum and family who has lost a little girl.

It's too unfair and awful to comprehend

thedaymylifestoodstill Thu 10-Apr-14 21:00:41

Hi Shabbs

I am glad your mum has been found a place in a home. How was she today? Although I have never been in your situation, I do remember very well how much guilt my mum felt when she had to re-home my gran into a nursing home. I remember the mass of emotions. You also need help though and like you said the chance to grieve your dad. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I was thinking of you this morning, all of us in fact actually, when I was out and about and saw life going on, people enjoying the sunshine. I was looking at them thinking, it's so strange that they all look ok, whilst in the meantime Shabb's dad has died and there's a family there going through turmoil and there's a group of us bereaved parents trudging through the days. Makes my mind hurt a bit.

Mojito, thank you for your kind words. I'm touched you were thinking of me, I'm tunnelling through I guess. It has been a very emotional few weeks culminating in me turning into a sobbing mess on Monday, listening to the music we played at the funeral. We have lots of positive things happening this year, but I just can't seem to be excited about any of them. It's not even been a year and I keep thinking why should I try and enjoy myself after my child has died? However, I also realise that I will feel sad about this forever and I can't live in a shell (as much as I would like to). Strange times sad

Lily. I know the feeling. All I keep thinking about is the 1st anniversary which is still a few months away. I hate certain days of the week, certain days of the month.....

Hello to everyone else, I think of you all regularly (really, I do) xxx

LilyTheSavage Thu 10-Apr-14 16:21:13

It's not disloyal at all Shabbs. You can only do as much as you can do, and at least you know that your Mum is safe and cared for. If you wear yourself out you wouldn't be able to look after her at all. Caring staff are the most important thing I guess and you know that she's looked after.

Just thinking of you all as well. Today is a hard day for me as it's eight months since my darling boy died. Yet another 10th of the month.

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