Walking together on a journey - sharing experiences, tears, anger and sometimes even laughter. United we stand, divided we fall.

(973 Posts)

This special thread was started in 2008. Its a special place - one which nobody would ever willingly come to. I hope we pay tribute to our lost children by helping each other. xxxx

shabbs Wed 01-Jan-14 10:15:44

Morning girls xx

Hope 2014 brings some of you back to our thread so we can all support each other. xxxx

Hi there Shabs. Happy 2014 - may it bring us all love, kindness and understanding. I hope everyone felt that we carried our children into the new year with us.

While we enjoyed a lovely evening with some special friends, it was dampened by new knowledge about my niece's condition. She ended up in hospital overnight, poor mite. It makes us realise once more that health and happiness should never be taken for granted.

shabbs Thu 02-Jan-14 08:28:29

Morning girls xx

shabbs Fri 03-Jan-14 08:49:57

Good morning girls xx

Stay safe today in this awful weather. xx

SaintVera Fri 03-Jan-14 12:19:13

Hi, I haven't been on here for a long time. This time last year, the first Christmas and New Year without my 16 year old son Sean, who died on 9th July, I was on here all the time. Thank you all for sharing your grief with me and keeping me going at that utterly grim time. This year was better but I barely have a minute in any day when I am not thinking of Sean. I said to my husband yesterday that Sean has been the defining person in my life and now his death defines me, but it isn't currently the life-threatening agony it was in the first year. I would never have believed I could feel any pleasure in life again.

My heart goes out to the parents who have found themselves here over the past year. It is a terrible, life-changing loss. Chinks of light do come through and I have found that the human spirit is stronger than I ever imagined xx

Beautiful words, saintvera. Thank you. I am also finding joy in the world again, mainly because of Finn, but I would never have believed it possible if I hadn't had people like shabba, lottie and everlong telling me that it would happen slowly. Yes, I am changed, and I have a huge hole in me, but somehow (and I do find it incredible) I keep on going. This thread was a huge part of that. xx

shabbs Sat 04-Jan-14 10:23:22

Morning girls xx

linsey4 Sat 04-Jan-14 12:14:02

My darling daughter Kerensa was stillborn at 28+2 weeks on 17th December 2013, her funeral is next Friday on 10th Jan! I cant eat or sleep it hurts so much! I feel so sorry for my 5 and 2 year old i want to embrace and treasure them but instead I'm a shell of a mummy always cross and shouting they are confused I'm not the loving fun mummy they know! How can i balance my grief for Kerensa which i cant stop and she deserves with being a good mummy to my boys? All my children deserve more than i can give

shabbs Sat 04-Jan-14 12:52:07

We have all been like that Linsey4 - the grief of losing a child (no matter what age) is overwhelming. One thing I can promise - 31 and 21 years down the line from losing my sons, is that it does 'get better.' You can never 'get over' losing a child but you learn to live with it. If someone had told me that all those years ago I probably would have punched them in the face but it is true. xx

shabbs Sun 05-Jan-14 09:02:44

Morning girls xx

HeavenlyE Sun 05-Jan-14 10:16:37

Hello everyone,

I have been reading this thread for the last month of so - my younger son died on 29 November, just 10 days shy of his first birthday. It has been such a rollercoaster of emotions - I still can't believe that he has really gone for good. Though I can't believe I have lived without him for 5 weeks, it seems such a long time not to see him. I was almost always with him. But to know that - depending on how long I live - it could be decades feels really unbearable. In some ways the constant marching on of time feels so cruel, as it is taking me further and further away from him.

Although he died of an illness, his death was completely unexpected to me and my husband. Until we found him, we had no idea he was so ill that he could die. I feel so terribly guilty about that, as now I know that there were signs and had we taken him to A&E he would still be alive. It is so hard to bear that and I wonder if I will ever get over the guilt. It was my job to care for him and protect him and I feel like I let him down. He trusted me so much.

I remember his love, his happiness and his joy at life. He was so loving and affectionate. He was quite shy in a way, and was happiest with either DH or I. But as well as that he was a real adventurer, especially enjoying climbing on things. If I ever worried about him, it was worrying that he would fall off something. He was starting to enjoy being read to and I really treasure the moments when DH would put our older son to bed and I would read stories to him.

I just wish I could hold him again, and I hope he knows how much I loved him.

I will keep reading this thread - I am glad it is here though wish it didn't have to be, if that makes sense. Our children should have outlived us all.

shabbs Mon 06-Jan-14 07:21:32

Morning girls xx

Welcome HeavenlyE - just sorry you had to join us xxx

HeavenlyE Mon 06-Jan-14 08:25:13

Thanks for the welcome, Shabbs - DH is back to work today. I hate the fact life is just carrying on.

shabbs Mon 06-Jan-14 08:53:14

I remember being amazed that the 'world had carried on turning' - used to think please stop the world I want to get off!!

Just wanted to say hello to linsey and heavenlyE and to say that I am also here if you would like to speak further about your children. Shabba always calls this thread a safe haven, and it is absolutely right. Here, you can say anything you like, and you will only find love, compassion and understanding.

Linsey are all the plans ready for your little Kerensa's day on Friday? I am sure you will make it perfect for her, for you, and your whole family. It is such an impossible thing to contemplate though - it can feel unreal. I hope it will be a day filled with love, even while it will be something you never imagined you would have to do.

As for your other two children, well, they will understand. Don't feel guilty. Right now, you need to do what you can for Kerensa, whether it is grieving and crying, or trying to keep yourself busy. My mother always says that it is difficult to 'mother' all your children equally at the same time, as sometimes one does need more of your attention than the others.

heavenly your little boy sounds so loving. I started writing on here about 5 weeks after my Mia died, also of an unexpected illness, and she was a similar age, so I can imagine all the things your little adventurer was discovering. Your description of his little ways made me smile.

shabbs Tue 07-Jan-14 06:47:37

Morning girls xx

HeavenlyE Wed 08-Jan-14 08:01:25

Hello, thanks for the welcome messages. Hello linsey.

Feeling so tired today as I've been getting into the habit of sleeping later and later. I keep surfing on my phone as I hate that quiet time before going to sleep, when all sorts of thoughts creep in.

Feel unbearably sad, miss him so much.

mias I really enjoyed the 12 month + stage with ds1. I was really looking forward to it with E. I'd noticed he could understand words and he was pointing at things, to tell me he wanted something. He would point up at the lights and say 'huh' in every room we went into.

I just feel so sickened that he won't get to grow and develop as he should have.

I feel quite resentful of people being able to carry on with their lives and grow their families - but I hate feeling these negative, bitter emotions.

Linsey I will think of you on the 10th. E's funeral was a lovely service - I was dreading it beforehand but in actual fact it was good to be really focussing on him and his life.

My older son is watching loads of tv at the moment. Have you friends / family who can take them out / distract them?

HeavenlyE Wed 08-Jan-14 08:02:56

Them = your children. Sorry I should have proof read!

shabbs Wed 08-Jan-14 08:35:13

Morning girls xx

hello lovely ladies! waves!

shabbs Thu 09-Jan-14 06:51:42

Morning girls xx

Hiya Blue - good to see you xx

LilyTheSavage Thu 09-Jan-14 19:28:56

Hi everybody. I don't know why it's taken me almost five months to find my way here. I've already posted about my DS2 who died on 10th August aged 21.
I don't know what I want to say.
I'm sorry you're all here for the same reason as me.
xx

shabbs Fri 10-Jan-14 08:07:42

Morning girls xx

Lily - wish this thread didn't even exist....but sadly it does and it is an understanding thread where we are all trying to put one foot in front of the other!!

xx

HeavenlyE Fri 10-Jan-14 10:39:32

Hello all.

Just wanted to ask a couple of practical questions.

How did you / your partners cope with going back to work? Dh went back this week, after 5 weeks off. It feels too soon and he is really struggling with having to put on a brave face for such a large part of the day. His work are reasonably sympathetic but he hasn't been there long.

At the moment, I just feel like none of my friends / family really understands what this is like. Even the ones with children. I guess they want to make me feel better but it is just the trite comments about 'moving on', 'enjoying the memories', 'new normal' - I'm sure these things are eventually true but I feel a million miles away from that now. I don't want to isolate myself but I do find people's expectations hard. Not sure what I'm asking really, but did / does anyone else find this? I'm not really sure how I can help myself - dh and I find it hard to see a way through this. I am still living most of my days in a kind of denial / numbness.

shabbs Fri 10-Jan-14 13:51:38

I had to go back to work after Matt was killed. My hubby had a breakdown and couldn't even dress himself. We needed our wages and I, quite simply, had to return to work. Matts funeral was the Friday and I went back to work on the following Monday. It was so very hard but also helped me to learn how to pin on a smile IYKWIM?

Only another bereaved parent knows what to do and what to say. Most people cannot comprehend the loss of a child. I used to just want someone to hug me and tell me their 'remember when' stories about my sons. Everybody also has a different length of time to even begin the grieving process. It took me many years to even feel 'right' again, and then as time passes you feel like you are doing OK - whatever the hell OK is.

Then from nowhere - a memory, a smile from one of my boys (or grandson) a song, a scent etc etc throws me backwards and makes me gasp for breath. I can honestly say though, after all these years, the recovery from these moments is faster.

There are no hard and fast rules for surviving this grief - I think just talking to other people who have been through the same awful agony is the most helpful xxxxxx

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