Never thought I would have to come on this thread....but please help me in helping my children

(5 Posts)
bizzey Thu 11-Jul-13 21:47:53

FIL had a stroke a few days ago....prognosis is not good .....lots of brain swelling and (sort of EX...separated) DH is saying it will end in death .

Told my boys GD was not well ,lets do a card and stuff.....They saw me crying tonight and I had to tell them the truth ...

I am in bits and need some help in dealing with children (12/10/9) and close death when we are 200+ miles away from them ??

How can I help them ??

MadameSin Thu 11-Jul-13 23:40:08

So sorry this is happening to your family. When my dad died, it was such a shock I couldn't tell either of my boys straight away. I felt I had to prepare them. In a way, you have time, no matter how short, to prepare them. When I told them that he had died, only a matter of hours later btw, I asked my sons if they would like to write a letter to their GD, they could say anything they wanted in their note and no one else would read it. The letter would go in the coffin and up to heaven with him. I think it really helped them get their feelings, concerns, worries onto paper. The notes were lovely, funny and heartbreaking. My older son sealed his envelope and I respected his privacy. My younger son wanted to read his to me .. I sobbed. The little things he wrote about, silly things that meant loads to him but I'd never known about. They put various items in with him and we chatted about what they might want to include. My dad's coffin was heaving, sweets, a teddy bear, cards, a book, more sweets etc. I just think that now you've told them and prepared them for the worst, you could get together if your think the above is appropriate for you and chat practically about what they may want to do or say.

I don't know if this is any help but I wanted to say I am sure you have done the right thing in telling them the truth. My GD died when I was a little older than your DC (I was 16) but in v similar circumstances - a sudden massive stroke, he lasted about 10 days in a coma but it was pretty clear from the start that he was not going to recover. Anyway I and my two (younger) siblings were told by our parents that he was probably going to die quite soon, and I think I would have been much more shocked and distraught if they had let me believe that he might recover. I did see my GD very briefly once before he died, from a distance across the hospital ward - it sounds like this may not be possible for you though if you are some distance away?

So sorry you are going through this, thinking of you

CrystalDeCanter Sat 13-Jul-13 04:15:10

Bizzey, I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this. Is your (ex)dh near by, can he help with the children or is it all down to you?

I've just read this article on whether children should be at a funeral which you may find helpful.

Your dcs are quite old, old enough to understand about death, I think writing cards is a lovely idea - MadameSin, your post about your dcs and their grandpa was lovely.

bizzey Sat 13-Jul-13 11:44:55

Thank you all for taking the time to post flowers

Dh lives near them so not around for my boys.
FIL is now on a ventallator (sp) and his lungs are filling up with ?fluid due to chest infection.The brain swelling caused too much damage to even operate on .

I have told the boys he is unlikely to recover and why....and in my own head hoping he doesn't as dh said he would be in a vegative state.

I am not going to take them to see them now as it is not fair for them to see their lovely GD in this state and I know MIL would not want them to either.

I am not sure if it has "registered" with them yet.....

Crystal Thank you for the link....I have scanned it and will read it proper later...I think ds1 might want to come with me...ds2 is a definit no ....and ds3 but more because of all the question he would ask ..esp as it will be a cremation.

Madam ...I think the letters are a lovely idea ..thank you.

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