Need hand holding as I sit with my dad who is dying

(256 Posts)
kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:17:22

My Dad is end stages of liver cancer. I'm sat with him tonight as the normal
Nurse cover was in an availabl

Dutchoma Sun 16-Jun-13 10:14:29

I have been without my dad for over 30 years and still miss him. For the last ten years of his life I didn't live in the same country and so did not see him that much, but we stayed in touch. He died a week before my dd was born, so I couldn't attend the funeral.
All three of us (Kansas, Fluffy and I) are lucky to have had good fathers whose memories we cherish.

Kansasmum, I have read this whole thread and am so sorry for your loss. I lost my darling dad in April and tomorrow is my first Father's Day without him, feel so sad and empty. My dad had a long illness too - he had Parkinson's, then lots of other things wrong, finally was in hospital for more than 2 months with recurrent chest infections and the last complication was pneumonia. I cherish the last week I had with him, when I told him all he meant to me, told him it was ok to let go and go to heaven, and I promised him I would always make him proud. The grief is hard and comes in bumps and waves, but it has brought the rest of our family closer together. You sound like a lovely daughter and your dad will be watching over you and be with you in spirit always. I hope you get through tomorrow ok. Thinking of you and your family x

kansasmum Sat 15-Jun-13 20:43:33

Yesterday was bloody hard. So final. The burial was to be honest bloody horrible- I wept buckets.

But the service in the afternoon was better- happier and loads of nice memories of Dad. My Dh did the Eulogy with my cousin- Dh's bit was about more recent years and my cousin's was about the earlier years. Dh was brilliant and his speech made me cry.

Took my Ds to Dad's grave after the service to lay flowers and say his goodbye. He kissed the cross marking Dad's gravesmile

I was exhausted by the end of the day but still not sleeping wellsad

Today was a bit weird. We've been in this bubble for weeks and now the bubble as burst and life has to return to normal- whatever normal is now.

Went shopping in Exeter with dh. Mum jumped at the chance to have Ds for the afternoon which she never really did before - they had a lovely afternoon together and probably wore Mum out in a good way!

Have my niece for a sleepover tonight.

Father's Day tomorrow- my first without a Dadsad

Thinking of you today Kansas. Beautiful poem, Shabs. Made me well up - and I have't really vried since my Dad died a year ago. Miss him terribly but wouldn't wish him bakc in the state he was in.

Ask your school to apply for Special Consideration, Kansas. 2 of my students have had it this year for their Grandparents.

Love to all those who are bereaved. Xxx

StupidMistakes Sat 15-Jun-13 17:16:25

Hello Kansas. I haven't read your whole thread but I thought I would say I feel your pain. It's a month today since I lost my mum to liver cancer and less than two since she was diagnosed. I can barely bare the pain.

Homebird8 Fri 14-Jun-13 21:20:34

Hope it went well today Kansasmum. I have been thinking of you.

ClaraOswald Fri 14-Jun-13 13:56:09

You're in my thoughts.x

Dutchoma Fri 14-Jun-13 11:36:44

Thinking of you today.

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her casket from beginning to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own, the cars, the house, the cash,

What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard; Are there things you would like to change?

For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough to consider what is true and real

and always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives like we have never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile,

Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read with your life’s actions to rehash…

Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spent your dash?

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOUR DAD LIVED HIS DASH VERY WELL.

Thinking about you today - have already lit my candle in honour of your Dad.

I know this sounds silly but I hope the day goes well for you. Goodnight God bless Kansas Dad xxxxx

kansasmum Fri 14-Jun-13 08:55:53

The day is heresad
Already feel sick and shaking.
Goodbye my darling Dad you really were the best. I love you xxxx

Wolfiefan Thu 13-Jun-13 10:39:22

So sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Dutchoma Thu 13-Jun-13 10:34:50

Wonderful hymns, Kansas. Makes me shed a tear already. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Oh I love the hymns you have chosen. 'Oh Jesus I have promised' was one that we always sung at school.

My Dad has told me that when his 'time comes' he wants 'our' song played. 'We dont cry out loud' by Elkie Brookes. One of the lines in it is 'Baby (meaning me) can't be broken cause you see.....she had the finest teacher thats me (meaning Dad). I have told him I will make sure it is played.

Will light a candle here in Lancashire on Friday. To honour your Dad and all the family. xx

Homebird8 Thu 13-Jun-13 08:01:10

Those hymns are great Kansasmum, some wonderful words of comfort.

Glad going out with your friends gave you a few laughs too. It does help to take your mind off things sometimes. You've achieved some amazing things in the last few days. I'll be praying for you on Friday. Don't worry. It'll be ok. flowers

kansasmum Wed 12-Jun-13 23:36:55

Dutchoma - we are having how great thou art, O Jesus I have Promised and ( my fave) The day thou gavest - which is guaranteed to make me cry!

Nice meal tonight and a few laughs!

FrameyMcFrame Wed 12-Jun-13 19:42:09

Sorry Kansasmum, love to you and your family.

i lost my Dad too, it's hard flowers

Dutchoma Wed 12-Jun-13 19:22:46

You are doing so well, especially with your mum, that must be really hard. What hymns are you having?

ClaraOswald Wed 12-Jun-13 18:40:48

Kansas- you sound like you are doing everything you can to keep busy.
Friday,it may hit you all at once or it may even be next week, when there is nothing tangible to focus on except he is no longer with you. Take the time you need to look after yourself.
x

kansasmum Wed 12-Jun-13 17:47:40

Arghhhh pressed post too soon! Done the order of service, booked meal for family between Burial and Thanksgiving service, sorted Caterers for tea after service, helped my sister buy an outfit and bought myself shoes as I ad dress and no shoes, took mum shopping to get an outfit- she proceeded to tell the sales assistant in a v loud voice all about Dad dying including how he "died in her arms"- ( he didn't, she was holding his hand but whatever....!), liaised with Vicar over service so think everything's sorted.
Tonight I am going out for a meal for a friends birthday with a lot of the other mums from school - will be nice to go out. Tomorrow I'm going to work - need to do something otherwise I will wallow.
Dreading Friday though I really amsad

kansasmum Wed 12-Jun-13 17:39:14

I'm not too ad. Funeral is on Friday and I've done the Ordervif Service, booked the restaurant or family meal

Wondering how 'things' are for you xx

Kansas - this year at my DS4's school - there have been 2 year 11's who have lost their Mums and one year 11 whose sister has died. They have bent over backwards to help all 3 pupils. I am sure they will be as accommodating as they can. You are right, when someone you love dies everything else goes out of the window doesn't it? I think thats because your world has been turned upside down and 'normal' everyday stuff doesn't seem to belong in it xx

Homebird8 Mon 10-Jun-13 10:42:41

Oh Kansasmum, don't beat yourself up about not remembering YD's exam. Things slip at times like this. I hope school can help you sort it out. Likewise I'm sure your DH will forgive you. If you can't throw a hissy fit now, however ridiculous, then when can you? He knows you're holding so many things together. He's just struggling to keep up I suspect.

All that decision making to do with the funeral is exhausting and there are so many things to do. We buried mum in a bright red wool dress that she'd just bought and worn once, with great pleasure, just before she died. I nearly bought a matching one to wear for the funeral (but it wasn't my shade of red!)

Thinking of you as you find the things you need to do. Hope you are coping. flowers

kansasmum Mon 10-Jun-13 10:21:46

Oh bloody hell - Yd has her Maths GCSE re-sit on Fridaysad I had completely forgotten. Crap mum that I am. Friday is when the funeral is.
Just phoned the school and they are ringing me back later.
I was trying really are not to cry on the phone.
Surely this sort of thing has happened before? Kids must get ill or family members die during exam time?

Off to the funeral directors shortly. Feeling crap today.

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