Need hand holding as I sit with my dad who is dying

(256 Posts)
kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:17:22

My Dad is end stages of liver cancer. I'm sat with him tonight as the normal
Nurse cover was in an availabl

TheSecondComing Sat 01-Jun-13 10:02:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lots of support and thoughts for you and your dad from me. What you're doing for him is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself.

flowers

Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 11:27:53

A hand to hold from me Kansasmum. I remember singing Victoria Wood's 'Can't do it tonight' with my mum the night before she died. The humour helps to take the edge off. Hope your dad is comfortable.

EATmum Sat 01-Jun-13 12:38:11

Sending you hugs and loads of respect. What you are doing for your dad, and for the rest of your family, is really amazing.

Portofino Sat 01-Jun-13 12:43:48

Oh your poor dad, and poor you sad sending hugs and love xx

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 13:10:50

Home bird- that made me smile! I love that song by Victoria Wood! The bit about ' melting the buttons on my flameproof nightie! Always make me laugh!
Went home and got washed and dressed and then went back with some ice lollies for dad and mum was in a panic cos Dad had been incontinent so sorted him out and cleaned him up.
Back home now and have made my niece's birthday cake- will ice it later.
Would like a sleep but dh is having his haircut so I will have ds!!

MrsSJG Sat 01-Jun-13 15:12:37

Will hold your hand today, I am in the same situation but it is my uncle dying of bone cancer, am unable to be with him but all my family have been to visit him today and my mum has just sent me a message saying he has asked for jelly and ice cream sad when I was working at the care home, we always had ice cream and jelly as they always asked for it before they passed away sad I will hold your hand tight today

Signing in for evening hand holding. My dads last words were "what time is it", I never came to terms with that being what the sum of his very short life (47 years old) added up to sad

Mum was more out of it as she had morphine so she never really spoke over her last few days, I knew she was struggling because her fingernails went very blue the last day or so which meant her circulation was slowing down I think.

Wishing you all a very peaceful night kansas x

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 18:51:20

Sorry about your Uncle- thinking of you Mrs.
Went and saw Dad couple of times today. Mum INSISTED On Getting him out of bed to sit in the sun lounge- apparently he was desperate. So dh and I and my best friends parents who were visiting, managed it. He lasted 30 mins but I had to dose him with morphine aftetwards so have told mum we are NOT doing it again. It's far too much for him.

I am going to try and persuade my
Mum that we need to get the hospice at home team out tomorrow and think, sadly it's time to consider the syringe driver. hmm His pain had increased today and he has almost lost his swallow reflex- nearly chokes on the slightest sipsad.
Early night for me tonight and back there tomorrow.

MrsSJG Sat 01-Jun-13 19:53:35

It's the worst feeling ever Kansas, knowing that there is so very little we can do but make sure they are pain free and just sit and wait. I wish you a peaceful night and hugs and more hand holding

Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 20:48:19

The emotional support of the hospice team might help your mum and you as much as it does your dad. Having the driver actually helped my mum in the final times as she no longer felt the responsibility for choosing when she needed the drugs. The quantity was ramped up over time as she needed it and we all accepted it was the right thing to do.

Isn't it odd how life continues almost without noticing what is going on at it's centre? Birthday cakes and haircuts at a time when your mind is utterly elsewhere. Well done, but don't take on too much. Thinking of you flowers

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 21:13:34

I'm not staying tonight. I desperately need some sleep- haven't slept properly for a month and its catching me upsad
Mum is VERY anti- hospice nurses- probably cos she has to admit that Dad is dying if they are there. But we need them so I'll have to be 'bad cop' yet again.

My mum has been VERY difficult and very horrible to me and my sister over the last few weeks. She told me it wasn't nearly as bad for me losing my dad as it was for her losing a husband. That really hurt. She hasnt asked how me or my sister are at all and offers no comfort for us at all. But this is nothing new.

My dd who is 19 is finding all this VERY hard. She adores her grandpa.
Is it terrible to wish this to end soon?

Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 21:31:49

It's not terrible at all Kansasmum. It's natural to wish for all the pain and discomfort to be over and you're not under any impression that it can be recovered from unlike your poor mum.

People say all sorts of things in their distress and grief. You must have witnessed this happening in families, who really do love each other, in your nursing. My dad said it was months after mum died before he even realised that my sister and I had lost a mum when he lost a wife. I suspect the comfort will all be one way, from you and your sister to your mum, and you and your sister will have to comfort each other. Hope your DH will understand too. I couldn't have been the strong one when we went through it without my DH backing my up every inch of the way.

Won't the hospice people be able to help your mum come to terms with what is happen ending too? If so, probably the sooner the better for you DF and your DM.

Now, get some sleep. You need to stay well yourself. Telephones can wake you if you're really needed.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 21:34:25

Thanks Homebird. I can't imagine Dad not being here but I hate seeing him suffer like this.

Themobstersknife Sat 01-Jun-13 21:40:39

Its not terrible at all. Bless you. Hope your dad stays comfortable and your last memories are peaceful for you all. Have a good sleep.

Wolfiefan Sat 01-Jun-13 21:42:05

OP I'm so sorry that your family are going through this. You sound so brave and the most wonderful daughter he could wish for.
Thinking of you all.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 22:03:51

Wolfie- that made my cry - thank you for such nice words.

My Dad as never been a 'touchy feely' person and don't remember him saying ' I love you' as I grew up although we've always been close. However the last few weeks he's said it a lot and said lots of lovely things to me which I"ll treasure forever.

TwentyTinyToes Sat 01-Jun-13 22:47:26

OP hope you are getting some sleep. I agree you sound like a lovely daughter. I helped to care for my nan when she was dying, i look back on those sad, difficult days and feel comforted that her death was as good as it could be. She was surrounded by love. I remember doing a lot of wordsearches with my sisters and amongst the tears there was laughter too.

Will be thinking of you, your dad and your family. Holding your hand. X

fackinell Sat 01-Jun-13 23:57:11

Still checking in on you, Kansas.

You deserve some rest. Your Mum sounds like she is swinging between the awful reality of the truth and enforced normality. Try not to take anything she says right now as a personal slur.

My Grandad (when my aunt died) swung round to me and announced 'this is all Your fault!!' Of course it wasn't, I was 16 yrs old and had helped wash my aunt's hair just the night before. It hurt, but it was pure reaction and my family consoled me and told him off. He apologised and no more was said. Your mum doesn't mean the daughter/ husband/ worse thing.

Hand holding again tonight. Xx

EATmum Sun 02-Jun-13 01:03:36

Just checking in and saying hello. Hope all's well.

kansasmum Sun 02-Jun-13 08:06:41

Sadly my mum does mean it. She's a very difficult selfish woman and always as been but I'm ignoring her crap for my darling Dad's sake.
Great night's sleep so feel better today- regrouped and ready to carry on looking after dad.
All your support helps HUGELY so thank you xxx

Dutchoma Sun 02-Jun-13 10:54:12

How wonderfully well you are doing Kansasmum Over the past year my dh has been on the palliative care list although he is not really dying any more than any of us are. This has meant we have had quite a bit of contact with our local hospice and know how good they are. I really think you will need to overrule your mum for your dad's sake and you and your family's needs' sake. She may well be 'dead against' it because she knows that they will have no patience with her awfulness. (Although they will never say so of course)

Homebird8 Sun 02-Jun-13 12:05:33

She possibly does mean to hurt and belittle you Kansasmum. I can believe that. Doesn't mean there's any truth in what she is saying. It's extra tough at the moment to rise above it and not respond but that's what it is best to do. You are a loving, caring, thoughtful and above all useful daughter to your father. Do your best for him and work out your mum some other time. Your feelings are your feelings and cannot be measured out and compared with those of anyone else. You wouldn't do this to your daughter and there is no reason to give any weight to your mother's attempts to do it to you.

I'm so glad you got some rest and are feeling stronger. Still here, still holding your hand.

kansasmum Sun 02-Jun-13 12:57:22

Called the hospice team and they have been and made dad comfy and given him diamorphine & midazolam cos he was very agitated and had pain. He's very peaceful now. Entering the final stages I thinksad my cousin came this morning which was lovely.

Dutchoma Sun 02-Jun-13 13:00:01

Well done. May the peace stay with you and your dad.

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