My irritating, larger than life, generous and impossible father died this morning

(39 Posts)
duchesse Mon 13-May-13 18:54:19

He fell ill on Thursday and went downhill so dramatically from yesterday morning that I didn't manage to get there (had to cross the Channel) until 3 hours after he'd died this morning at 7:30.

I'm sitting here in the middle of all his clutter and mess and stuff in his house and I can't believe he's gone.

duchesse Wed 12-Jun-13 21:38:36

Not sure I'm coping too well tbh. Am back in France trying to start to deal with my father's stuff and my DH's mother's boyfriend has now died. DH and I both away from home so DMIL was looking after older two DDs as they are in the middle of exams. So she was not there when her bf died. Not sure I can cope with this so soon after my father's death, nor with my stepmother wailing about 13 people at the dinner table on Easter day and that's why 2 of them are dead now.

MrsFrederickWentworth Thu 16-May-13 21:27:10

Good for your ma and doubtless you too.

Tbh it sounds as if he was well matched with your step ma. He may not have e actually denied you, he may have just slated over thin ice when she was around. He wouldn't see it as an issue.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-May-13 16:43:28

Good for your mother. Lot of high emotion understandably, stepmama couldn't really expect to orchestrate you all it's not as if you have anything to be ashamed of. IYSWIM I hope you can unwind a little now the funeral has taken place.

duchesse Thu 16-May-13 16:22:06

*diplomatic, not funeral

duchesse Thu 16-May-13 16:21:43

Well, he's gone in the ground (well concrete shaft) now and the funeral passed without high-level funeral incident. My mother behaved impeccably and my stepmother was just quite weird and tried to take her hand all the time.

((Squeeze)) from a sympathetic stranger.

ssd Wed 15-May-13 20:51:13

agree with donkeys ^^

am sorry sad

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 15-May-13 20:31:46

Dire. It just adds to the stress.

Badvoc Wed 15-May-13 20:10:29

So sorry duchesse.
Have never understood how some people can compartmentalise their lives in this way.
You must be very hurt sad

duchesse Wed 15-May-13 19:48:36

I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead and all that, but what a bastard. Even in death.

duchesse Wed 15-May-13 19:46:41

So basically, as I said to my stepmother, he has actually been denying us to some people for decades. I said this to my stepmother. "No, no she said, he just separated out the two parts of his life." And the difference is?

And she believes that she knows him best of all in the world. If he was separating out the two halves how could she? How could she know what was going on in the other half?

She should have said nothing and taken the crap, if there were any, on herself. She has just hurt me more than my father's death is already. I have a huge stone in my chest.

duchesse Wed 15-May-13 19:26:18

Actually this is almost funny. Family research has revealed that this dumping your first wife with the kids and finding someone else and then living a double life for decades has strong tradition in the male side of our family- five fucking generations of it, dating back to the mid 1800s. What a fucking cliché!, to (mis)quote that evil gran in Catherine Tate.

Oh duchesse, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, you must be spitting.

duchesse Wed 15-May-13 19:18:10

I think she means she doesn't want to be embarrassed frankly.

duchesse Wed 15-May-13 19:17:43

My stepmother (not married to my father but with him for 33 years) has just rung from Paris to ask me to ask my mother not to mention at the funeral tomorrow that she is still his wife in the eyes of the law. Apparently there will be people there who did not know he was married to my mother, did not even know my mother existed, and some don't even know his children existed. Apparently my mother is the "legal" wife and she is the "legitimate" one. She is allowed there on sufferance as "the mother of his children" so as not to confuse people and embarrass my father (who, let us not forget, is in fact dead).

I feel sick with fury.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 15-May-13 11:05:01

Sorry to hear of your loss duchesse however your relationship was with your father it must add to the strain having to travel and making arrangements so far from home. Hope you have lots of support at the funeral and afterwards.

lougle Wed 15-May-13 07:22:51

Isn't that the truth? I hope that in time the appalling memories will fade and the funny things will stay.

duchesse Wed 15-May-13 04:51:20

HE was appalling really. Funny how many more funny things there are to say and remember about appalling people.

lougle Tue 14-May-13 21:23:18

I'm sorry, Duchesse. He sounds like he was an infuriatingly special kind of man.

MrsFrederickWentworth Tue 14-May-13 21:13:53

Duchesse, so sorry.

When my larger than life godfather died, his widow asked people to write to her with memories of him, like your cousin's. She now has a wonderful collection .

Your music selection sounds great.

Badvoc Tue 14-May-13 21:10:06

I am sorry for your loss x

Portofino Tue 14-May-13 21:02:12

So sorry Duchesse xx

SirChenjin Tue 14-May-13 19:12:25

Yes, it's hard seeing the body, isn't it? Makes it all very final...I hope the funeral is as OK as it can be. Have you chosen the songs etc?

duchesse Tue 14-May-13 17:54:55

Quite sad. I saw his body this morning just before he was removed to Paris for his funeral on Thursday. It didn't really look like him at all. I didn't want to touch him because I was worried he'd feel like a cold chicken straight from the fridge.

SirChenjin Tue 14-May-13 12:37:24

How are you feeling today Duchesse?

I'm not sure of the legality of emptying his bank account as he requested, sorry, but hope someone will be able to advise.

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