Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

(973 Posts)
mummylin Thu 02-May-13 10:46:10

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

mummylin Sat 22-Jun-13 12:29:37

You will see and hear your mum everywhere, you will see her in yourself and in your children.. Our mums are never gone completely because we live on and carry on her genes. For myself I write exactly like my mum and the family used to get confused as our handwriting is so similar. I have some of her ways and I'm sure you will have those too, and maybe you will glance at one of your children and just for a second see that they have a certain look that your mum used to have. They say that we grow into our mums and I think in some ways that is right. My own dd found that she would say things to her dd,s that I would of said to her, and which she vowed she would never say to her own children. She has !!! Keep your chin up chickydoo, hard weeks ahead but you are not alone x

t875 Sat 22-Jun-13 13:01:13

Again agree with mummylin. I have noticed I am a lot like my mum in thinks I say like "babes" a lot to my girls and the things I do my organisation/ my positivity and ability to get on with people, creative, hoarding lol and what is funny I had hardly any ornaments and she loved her ornaments well after I sorted out with my dad her stuff my shelves in front room have cats/ and angels birds I bet she's loving seeing them and surprised I've got them there smile
I see a lot of me and my mum in my girls.

I've also tried to keep up things she would do! Like taking pictures of the table for parties.

We're here for you chicly doo we all know how hard it is try and get as much help and support as you can. Emotions are very upside down you see people for some one else I lost my mum last year but I partly lost family members and a few friends but I'm not fussed about losing them one bit I will never be there for them. X

mummylin Sat 22-Jun-13 18:37:23

Hit875 I think we are all our mothers daughters, probably in more ways than we realise. But like everyone else I miss my mum so much, it seems so long since I have physically seen her and I find that upsetting. I still cannot get my head to accept that one minute someone is here, then the next gone forever. My heart will be forever broken. I don't know about anyone else but I don't seem to have the same enthusiasm for life anymore, I don't know if it will come back. I do the normal mundane things we all do, but nothing seems the same. No mum to call, no mum popping in every five minutes for a cuppa, no mum to start my crochet off or make me one of her special fruit cakes, she was such a huge part of my life. My brothers have been so good to me, they know I have felt it the most, thank god for my siblings. I have been luckier than a lot and people have been very kind ( apart from miserable neighbour who I will not speak to now ) but I just feel so sad a lot of the time.

likesnowflakesinanocean Sat 22-Jun-13 19:03:12

hey all how are you, having a weird day . local town event so went and had a walk around the church mums funeral was in was surreal the last place her body had been. feel all melancholic tonight

mummylin Sat 22-Jun-13 19:11:56

Hi snowflakes things that remind us occur all the time don't they, sometimes it's a happy memory, other times it can fill us with sadness. I went to a garden centre with my brother this week, the last time we went to this particular one our mum was with us. Of course that then. Makes you think all over again. What I am dreading is actually having to go to a funeral at the same place we had mums. It's the crem for our town and there is such a lot there it's bound to happen. I have been to other funerals since mums but in a different place. I don't know if anyone else has had to face this yet. I will worry about it when it occurs, but I do think about it. Hope tomorrow will be better for you x

ssd Sat 22-Jun-13 19:15:48

yes I feel sad an awful lot of the time..my mums death showed me how she was the only one left in our family I was close to and really loved, my siblings are so very distant to me, I feel I've lost so much more than my mum

mummylin Sat 22-Jun-13 21:18:38

ssd it does seem like you have borne the brunt of it all and everyone else has gone back to their own families with no thought to you at all. Did you use to be close to your siblings before you lost your parents ? It's so sad for you. Life is so precious and we don't always have the gift of time. That's one reason I will now never fall out with my remaining siblings. We lost our sister, who was actually the youngest of us ( we were 6 ) and I vowed then I would never fall out again because you never know when we will lose another of us. It was awful and I think we all grew a lot closer then.but god forbids anything happening to you or your siblings and you were all apart from each other. It would be awful. Have you actually told them how you feel, maybe they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they just think you are ok , the same as they themselves seem to be, when you are clearly not. I know you feel very hurt which has probably made your grief so hard to bear because you feel so alone. But your not alone. We are here with youthanks xx

t875 Sat 22-Jun-13 23:19:43

Yes mummylin my god I feel obliterated when I think if the void if my mum not here and I absolutely hate it. I hate her not here and miss her like mad. Tbh I have to have the enthusiasm otherwise I'm soo down and I seriously have her I know kicking me up the arse but some days I feel like I'm going through a turbulent river in a canoe!

Some days aren't too bad but some days it kills me inside when I think of the void of her not here it is shit some days. I know for sure I am right on the edge of having a bloody good cry!!

[ thanks ] to us all struggling at the moment. We're all together for eachother xxx

t875 Sat 22-Jun-13 23:20:47

Sorry the thanks should have been flowers!!! Blooming phone!!

Excuse the typos too!! Xxx

t875 Sat 22-Jun-13 23:26:40

I really can't imagine what you are going through ssd it's been horrendous losing my mum but for you must be soo very hard. Sending you huge hugs Hun.
Hugs to us all.

I know so not easy and I think cruse will help you through you feeling the loss of your siblings. But they really aren't worth it. Is again not easy but I would tell your family how you feel but that is just me. Me and my brother got very argumentative on and off that was grief but also we disagreed about things.
I really would let them know how you feel.
Remember ssd They are always with us. Sending messages. Ask for a sign xx Here if u need me always xx

t875 Sat 22-Jun-13 23:29:56

Mummylin in relation to the your local crem yes that's the same here but I would never be able to go to anyone's funeral there until god forbid my dad leaves this earth then I will have too but anyone else I know for sure I wouldn't be able to do it.

X

mummylin Sun 23-Jun-13 00:21:02

It bothers me that I would not be able to get the courage to go to someone's funeral because of the sad memories, but thinking about it, it's also where we had my sisters and I have been to quite a few since then, oh I don't know , will wait and see when it happens, pointless me worrying about something that hasn't happened yet isn't it ! Stupid me. Love to all x

t875 Sun 23-Jun-13 00:39:18

Yeah but you can't help thinking that way I know it's the same here. There are people who we are very close too who I know are very ill and it would kill me to go the crem. But it's the same where we went to my uncles funeral where my cousin who was only 24 died in a road traffic accident which was a massive shock and going to the same place for my uncle was extremely hard.

Photos!? When will photos get any easier. Any photos of my mum just bring me to tears and have done ever since she passed. sad don't know when or if that will get better for a while. Strangly I found it easier last year.

My god I miss her bloody heaps!!!

ssd Sun 23-Jun-13 09:13:40

yes I think cruse will help, I just need to speak of all this with someone who listens and doesnt say well your mum wouldnt want you sad.....

mummylin, for years I've carried a deep resentment of my siblings as they were no use to me when mum was alive, they never took on any of the burden (I hate that word) of her care..I was left with it all. I could never understand how they could not get involved with mum more but dh has told me they didnt need to as I did everything. But my god it was hard. I dont mean physically like washing mum , she had carers for that, but her general well being, shopping, bills, dealing with the housing and the council, arranging all her care and fighting her corner when the carers/council/doctors didnt have a clue. I've been my mums mum for years. I miss the thought of having my mum, but the actual mother/daughter relationship was long gone for me. I seen glimpses of mum now and then,but she was just really frail and past it all for years and years. Its so very hard watching your healthy, enthusiastic mum become old and frail and needy, its like gaining another child just as your own kids start school. And all the while my siblings would phone up and say " mum sounds fine, you worry too much", whilst ignoring what was actually going on day by day. So no, we're not close, well I'm not close to them. My db was very good when mum died, he flew here straight away and dealt with everything.Then he went home and I have spoke to him maybe twice. My dsis, well she flew in the day before the funeral and flew back the day after, and told me I had to get on with my own life now, just after we scattered mums ashes, she didnt realise mum was my life. So I cleared out mums house alone and dealt with my grief alone, whilst my "family" were posting pictures of holidays and parties on fb almost immediately after mum had died. It felt like being stabbed, knowing the loss of mum had hardly touched them and I was sleep walking through the days. But they live hundreds of miles away. so I dont see them and I deleted them from fb, there was only so much I could take.

sorry to go on girls just needed to get that off my chest!

t875 Sun 23-Jun-13 17:39:42

Go on anytime ssd. That's just absolutely terrible. How inconsiderate I can definitely see why you are feeling like you do. I stil remember up to a year and on and off now its all a roller coaster and done days I can't stand some family members!!

Hugs to you and anyone who needs them xx

ssd Sun 23-Jun-13 19:04:07

do you think I should tell all this to cruse t875?

mummylin Sun 23-Jun-13 21:07:01

ssd your story is very sad, and I can see why you are so hurt. Maybe it would be a good idea to tell cruse. I think you need to relate your story to help you to move on. People can be very strange. I am sorry you have had to put up with all the worry of everything and appear to be the only person who is really grieving for your mum. At least you have no regrets. You helped your mum and looked after her and did the best you could for her. They won't be able to say the same will they x

t875 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:47:19

Yes definitely tell cruse ssd you know my story and a lot of my grief definitely related to you know who and they really helped me. And they won't tell you you have to get on with it I didn't have that. Yeah towards the end I had an elder lady and she would say your mum is fine and she wants you to move on with your life but they were so understanding and sympathetic. Definitely helped me all round with even how I felt I had to be there for everyone. Xx

t875 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:48:31

Ssd Read what you have put here when you go Hun xx is it soon you go? X

ssd Sun 23-Jun-13 22:31:03

its july 18, not long now x

and you're right mummylin, I dont have any regrets x

t875 Mon 24-Jun-13 07:28:16

And all you done for mum makes you remarkable a fantastic daughter. They will regret at some stage they will look back I'm sure of it x

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 24-Jun-13 19:08:26

got the rage today, convo between my aunt and old school friend popped up in news feed. she was saying how she was sad to hear about mum. aunt said oh yes its horrible to see someone taken by cancer. I sat with x for two weeks she was at peace life is not the same. fuck off! she stayed there 3 nights, was only here for 5 days before she died and don't even get me started on how hard it is to watch. 5 days you were around what about the 4 years before when you know she was terminally ill and never even bothered to pick up a phone. sorry for epic rant and bad language but are you Fucking kidding me?! why do people insist on making out they are so wonderful.

mummylin Mon 24-Jun-13 19:48:08

I don't know snowflakes they must want people to think they are such nice selfless people , when in reality they are the opposite.
That would of made me bloody mad too.but you know the truth of it, how did you manage not to say anything ?
I felt similar when my gran was dying , my bloody bitch of a cousin turned up to her hospital bed, she lived 10 mins away and hadn't bothered with our grandparents for about ten years. If we hadn't of been in the hospital she would of had a right old tongue lashing. I hate her, stuck up effing bitch. !

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 24-Jun-13 20:12:58

cause she's a self centered mare who would of found a way to make it about her and how she feels. couldn't give one to be honest. I hate people who leech onto sadness and make themselves a central part of it when they aren't. your cousin would of drove me bonkers but like you I always think it is better to bite my tongue than argue with someone who doesnt care about anyone but herself. it pissed me off so much that so many people who never bothered despite knowing how ill she was turned up at her funeral blathering about how they never got the chance to say what they wanted too. tonight I am so upset, things are pretty shit and I miss her so much ot physically hurts and to have someone lie about the time they spent with her while dying has really kicked me in the stomach sad

mummylin Mon 24-Jun-13 22:24:41

Oh snowflakes hope things improve for you soon. Anything we can help with ? thanks for you x

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