Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

(973 Posts)
mummylin Thu 02-May-13 10:46:10

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

mummylin Mon 13-May-13 23:23:26

Oh she will still be coming [t875] just not as soon as she hoped. It may be hopefully in the beginning of next year.not going to write anymore now as am nearly asleep in the chair ! Goodnight all.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 14-May-13 09:48:57

mummylin I'm not surprised you have kept so much of your mums things. I think I'd rather keep too much than regret throwing something away. For me it's seeing their writing, it's so sad knowing that I'll never see that again sad
Dd2 fell off of a rope swing in the woods poor little thing. They were having such fun as well. Not sure how long she'll be in plaster for, we're going to the fracture clinic next week.

ssd I can't imagine how hard that was for you to clear your mums flat so soon after losing her, and alone too. Must have been really tough. I think I remember you saying you had to give the keys back quite soon.

karinmaria you are so right about smells bringing so much back to you. I brought some tea towels home that were brand new. I got them out of the bag when I got home and they smelt like mum and dads house. If anyone had seen me with my head in these tea towels they would have thought I was mad!

We haven't even gone near their clothes yet. My dad couldn't face clearing mums clothes so we have those to do as well. One of my aunties said she'd come and help us with those. Clothes are so personal to someone though aren't they? I think I'll have a look through and pick a few bits out to keep as my auntie is quite ruthless!

t875 Tue 14-May-13 09:54:43

ah right hope it all works out for her mummylin x

I too took so much of my mums stuff and I have to go through it all over again and i tried the other day and it was tough going!

Hope everyone is going along ok today, My contract is for another 3 weeks hopefully ill have something else to go on too, i am soo ready for permanent or at least a 6 month contract.

mummylin Tue 14-May-13 10:02:19

Ridiculous as it may seem, I have lots of my mums writing, little lists of things I found around the house , I kept them all ! But I also have about 40 yrs of her diaries, which I haven't read yet. I am very lucky in that I also have quite a bit of mum on video, but again, I haven't plucked up the courage to look any of it yet, but I at least have it and loads of photos. I have some great photos from her 60th birthday which we had here in my house. We hired a Mr Puniverse for her. It was the funniest thing and my mum was in fits of laughter. They are great photos and lots of happy memories from that. It was something she was always talking about. He was the thinnest and funniest kiss o gram I have ever seen, but it made her night.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 14-May-13 10:05:29

Aww that's great mummylin, she sounds as though she loved a laugh! xx

t875 Tue 14-May-13 10:16:05

I say this although it kills me not having her around as i miss her like crazy it really does help to have the photos and video, i have video from Christmas 2011 and she is talking, haven't looked at it in ages got loads of videos too, i don't know whether I could look at it right now, i definitely don't find it easy to look at photos. I can imagine how funny that was with mr puniverse, i hear my mum laughing sometimes, i imagine what she would say when i talk to her, i was in BHS yesterday and i was going 'what do you reckon on that mum' (looking for my eldest for clothes) and i answered..'oh no that's no good for her, shes bound not to like it' - didn't know someone was opposite me looking at me and prob thinking who the hell is she talking too!! lol!

t875 Tue 14-May-13 10:17:31

oh and have the diarys too, reading 2012 and it abruptly stops in April - i hate that! Ive actually been writing a diary (havent for years) but ive wrote a diary for her as i know she would like it, its actually been good to write a diary again too smile

mummylin Tue 14-May-13 22:20:05

Yes biscuits you are right about mums sense of humour. That is one thing my whole family mostly have in common , we must of got it from her. I have had another dream about my mum , which I actually found quite disturbing. I was out somewhere when I met an old work friend. She said she was sorry my mum had died and I said to her. " no that was a mistake, they phoned me back and she is alive " and looking down the street where we were talking was my mum sat on a bench.i have no idea where we were! Once again no words were spoken between me and mum, that's three times that's happened.
On a different note, we have a real gale blowing outside. Won't be surprised if we. Lose fence panels. Time for a cuppa now, hi to t875, snowflakes, ssd . To all our new posters , hope you are all doing ok today

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 16-May-13 21:49:14

6 months today, feel miserable at not hearing her voice or seeing her for half a year but in reality its a very short time out of how long it will be sad

mummylin Thu 16-May-13 22:34:00

Oh snowflakes it's so awful isn't it. I was only thinking that myself. How long it has been since I spoke to mum. The trouble is everyday takes them further away from us. And for you today, you are probably going over everything all over again. Even when time is going past, the memories of the most dreadful day of our lives dosent seem to diminish.we can forget things from yesterday but not that. Wouldn't it be great to have a pill that could wipe out all bad things and just leave us with the good ? I did actually look at a few photos today, especially from our last holiday, all I could think when I saw them was " she dosent look like she only has 9 days left to live" I found myself studying her face to see if there were any signs etc. which of course there weren'
I don't know how we can make things any better, I am just waiting for the time when I can think about her with happiness instead of the awful knot of sadness I still have.
One day snowflakes it will come for you,me and all of us.but the waiting Is so painful isn't it.maybe you can pop to where her grave is and sit for a while and talk to her. Maybe you will feel you are closer to her there.
Thinking of you, take care x

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 16-May-13 23:04:46

know what you mean, it'd unbelievable how quickly things happen. I've mostly slept today feeling run down and fed up. after the surgery ds got ill and was off for over a week so I just carried on now I feel wiped out. I changed my screensaver to mum smiling, its nice to see her face. thinking of you all

mummylin Thu 16-May-13 23:08:02

Maybe you need some sort of tonic to help lift you up a bit. Thank god we have at least got memories in our photos. Try and rest as much as poss. Dosent matter if jobs don't get done. Look after yourself first xx

mummylin Fri 17-May-13 22:38:04

Hi all, hoping you have all had a good day. My day just been cheered up by my ds bringing me a gift of a tree that lights up for my garden. It's lovely. Wish my mum could of seen it.i also wish my mum could be sitting in my conservatory watching the little blue tits go in and out of our birds house. She loved to do that. Not sure if they are still building the nest or if babies have been hatched.

ssd Sat 18-May-13 17:36:23

hi all

haven't much to say, my mind is just tangled in knots these days, working it through

am thinking of you all xxx

hatsybatsy Sat 18-May-13 17:53:21

hello - I am joining you officially now. Mum died on Thursday morning after a 2 year battle with cancer. we knew it was coming - she was in a hospice for the last week - but it has still knocked us all sideways.

We are doing quite well on the admin - the funeral has been arranged - but it just feels very.... empty. People are being so kind but really I just want to hide away - I am really dreading bumping into everyone on the school run on Monday.

I have read back through the last few pages - it sounds like we are all in similar shoes - I would really like to join you.

mummylin Sat 18-May-13 19:40:13

You are welcome to join us hatsy although I'm sorry you have to. It's an awful situation isn't it. Your whole life changed in a matter of seconds. We have all struggled to accept things at times and I expect you will be the same. You will probably now find out your true friends. A lot of us have found we haven't had the support we thought we would get at times, even from our dh,s for some of us. Do look after yourself and feel free whenever you like to come here to vent / rave or just because you are feeling so sad x

ssd Sun 19-May-13 09:41:26

agree with everything mummylin said xx

mummylin Sun 19-May-13 17:00:38

Hi ssd are you doing ok ? For the first time today I have missed going up to the crem. But I will go over one evening this week instead. I feel really guilty about it.almost like my mum will know I haven't been to visit her. Hope things are going ok for you and you are accepting the fact that your family are not going to be there for you. Don't know what's the matter with bloody people xx

hatsybatsy Sun 19-May-13 17:39:39

back home - am shattered - might have a very early bath tonight.

Mum had had cancer for 2 years and we did know that this was the home straight - but that doesn't make it any better? DH cannot really understand as he feels it was all expected- so although he has been quite sweet, for him life is carrying on as normal (he is on one of his bike rides as I type) - whereas I feel like my whole world has fallen apart.

Sorry - did that actually make any sense?

Best to you all.

mummylin Sun 19-May-13 19:10:26

Yes it did hatsy perfect sense. I think dh,s want to think we are ok so they don't have to worry or something, I don't know what it is. I found my own dh quite thoughtless at times ,he just could not see it , so in the end I didn't say anything and came on here instead ! It's a place where others understand.it sends you back to being almost childlike . We all want our mums even though we are adults. The thought of all the years without her are galling to say the least. Please don't worry about seeing anyone tomorrow on the school run, some people don't even mention it , which is another thing that has upset a few us. I have not spoken to my neighbour since my mum died because he didn't even acknowledge her death, I took it as a personal insult , hence I won't speak to him at all now ! Wrong maybe ,but I felt hurt.

ssd Sun 19-May-13 21:39:55

hi mummylin! what you say about my siblings is so true and I think I'm starting to accept it, hard as it is. Hope I don't go backwards too much on this. Missed mum, and dad, so much today, had to drive out to where I grew up, and mum and dad died, just to try to get a feel for them, am desperate to get some sort of connection. Drove around and then pulled up at the flats where mum lived her last year, there was a little robin standing on the grass outside, like the ones I seen last week. Maybe its her saying I'm still here darling...? Don't know. Just so awful they are both gone and siblings so utterly unmoved. Feel like I've lost my past completely. Its so awful isn't it. Seen our house mum was in for 45 years before she moved to sheltered housing, the council have cut down all the trees she planted and took down my dads hut he kept all his tools in. Its all gone. How can all that history and memories just go? Its so hard to take in. Went into a few shops there. I know exactly whats on their shelves, who works there, where everything is, when they open and close on each day of the week. The place is as familiar as the back of my hand. But I don't go there anymore. Have been going there after I left home at 20 every week for the last 20 odd years to see mum and dad, then just mum, now I've got no one to visit there. So just drive around by myself, standing in peoples gardens and peering over at my old house to see the changes made, and looking through the sheltered housing glass door just to see mums letter box and where she used to hang her wreath at xmas. All so utterly familiar and all gone.

Such a long process taking it all in and getting my head round it. And always doing it by myself. God if this doesn't make me a strong person nothing will. What is it they say about fire making you stronger? I'll be like He Man by the end of all this grin.

hatsy, I'm so sorry. Please believe we get it on here, keep posting, we are all in this together xx

ssd Sun 19-May-13 21:46:01

sorry to everyone

am sounding very me me me

grief has made me selfish

I know I'm not the only one suffering here, this is the only place I pour my heart out to, that's why I sound so me me me

sorry xxx

mummylin Sun 19-May-13 22:01:57

ssd they may have taken down your dads shed , but they can never ever take your memories away from you. That is the most important thing now. You have those forever. I think you ae very brave even to go to where your mum and dad lived. I will not even go into mums road , let alone to go and look at her house. I would be so upset to see it different and other people standing in the garden, so well done to you for doing that.glad you saw the little robin ! X

ssd Mon 20-May-13 08:24:10

yes seeing the robin was good, am always looking for "signs"...maybe that was one.

I go to their old house just to feel a bit of a connection, where we lived, where I grew up, its good to know its still there, even if its changed. I dont mind someone else in there now, its a council house so all that was out of my hands.

you're right about the memories. TBH I'm looking forward to the future when they fade a bit and I stop missing them so much, its really painful just now. But I know time makes a difference, its just so slow in passing.

hatsybatsy Mon 20-May-13 11:41:01

ssd - wow, facing a double loss with no sibling support. cannot begin to imagine that. completely identify with the need to go back to old haunts - am planning to go to south wales (my Mum was welsh) to visit her childhood home and scatter her ashes in the summer.

dh still hasn't actually said anything. he did let me have a lie in while he took the kids to school this morning though - so I guess that's something. It has bought me some breathing space before I have to face all the school Mums. I'll be a blubbering wreck if they say anythign and a crosspatch if they don't - it's a lose lose situation.

keep trying to remember Mums voice and am struggling.

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