Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

(973 Posts)
mummylin Thu 02-May-13 10:46:10

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

mummylin Wed 24-Jul-13 21:40:09

Hellostupidmistakes I am sorry that you have had to join us and very sorry for your loss. It is such a painful experience isn't it. We have all on this thread gone through what you are going through and indeed most of us are still coming to terms with it even though we are all at different stages,what we have in common is that we have lost our loved ones. It is hard to accept when it first happens and hard to contemplate that person not in our lives anymore. I think realising the finality is awful and heartbreaking. You didn't have many weeks to even get used to the idea when your mum was taken so cruely from you, so hard to bear, but you are amongst people who know what you are now going through and you are free to come on here whenever you need, even if you want to rant about something.
Do you have support in RL ? I hope there is .

mummylin Thu 25-Jul-13 12:53:49

"Stop press" I have another bean ! A last. For those of you who don't know the significance of this , I found some runner bean pods amongst my mums garden bits and planted some. I have only had one grow as I planted them to deep , so I planted some more and today I have another one. I was desperate to grow them as its a link to my mum !

officelady Fri 26-Jul-13 05:55:30

It would have been my lovely mum's birthday today. All I can think of is this time last year, I was on holiday with her and we spent the day at the beach then went back to her house in the evening and her friends came over for a BBQ and birthday cake. It was such a lovely happy day, then a few days later she died very suddenly and everything changed. I woke up crying this morning. I need to get up and get ready for work, not sure how I'm going to get through today. I miss her so much sad

mummylin Fri 26-Jul-13 11:14:48

officelady hello and welcome to this thread. Your story is so similar to mine it took my breath away. I had also been on holiday with my mum and she died suddenly after we had been home for 9 days. It was a terrible shock as it was for you. I think birthdays and other days like that are so painful, and you can't help thinking "this time last year" I think it is normal when anyone has suffered a great loss. We can console ourselves that we had that last holiday but I know it doesn't help a lot. I found myself studying all the holiday photos to see if she looked ill etc. but she didn't. She really was well.i hope you get through the day ok, try and think of something nice you did together. It doesn't matter if you cry, that in itself is meant to be healing.

bluestar2 Fri 26-Jul-13 20:30:44

Hi can I join and ask for support. I have read some posts and am so sorry for all the sadness and loss here.

I lost my mum to cancer in may. She was a fabulous woman. She didn't cry once through her illness. She wanted to be strong for everyone else and in her words what she was putting them through due to her smoking. I miss her so much. She hung on to see my second child arrive but then went downhill quickly. I am struggling to make sense of how I am supposed to carry on and live a happy life without her. I still cry for her daily. Sometimes it's more and I feel totally out of control. My wonderful chdren and dh keep me going but only just. How do you pick yourself up? I desperately want some sign from her that she is still here.
Sorry I'm self indulgent tonight I am just starting to so see if I can get through this without professional help and would benefit from an opinion of someone who has been there.

mummylin Fri 26-Jul-13 21:13:31

Hello bluestar sorry to have yet another person joining this thread. I am so glad your mum lived to see your new child. I hope you have photos of that special time. It is only a matter of weeks since you lost your mum so it's very early days. What you are feeling is normal and will be for quite a while. There is no easy way to get through this very sad time. But eventually you will find the times between your bouts of tears will get longer. Recovery will take a long time. I am now 20 months on from you and now and again I still feel like it happened last week. Somehow we seem to get through it. But you need support. Have you supportive family and friends ? I expect for you at the moment it's like a physical pain. This too will get better in time. It's a long process . But we are all here for you and understand.

bluestar2 Fri 26-Jul-13 23:01:40

Thank you mummylin for your reply. I can't imagine how hard it has been to get to the 20 month point. I know people say first birthdays christmass etc are the worst but I can't imagine it ever feeling better at this stage.

I do have so e wonderful photos which I intent to frame etc but I have only looked at the once and am struggling to have them on walls for fear of crumbling constantly. I will get there with that but right now all I can see is the future the children have lost and its so sad as she adored them. To think it used to drive me crazy that she was the first to mAke my eldest giggle and for a good while was the only one who could.

My dh is wonderful and amazingly supportive. I worry he will one day get sick of me. Unfortunately there a big family issues surrounding a sibling and his behaviour. I am distancing myself as the stress he causes has me a nervous wreck when he is about. My dad falls on his side despite every family member telling him the truth. I went to the doctors abt 4 weeks after for something unrelated but ended up balling my eyes out. His first response was ad's which I said no too. I felt it was just too soon and what I was feeling was normal. I think he was concerned because of the pnd risk. I don't feel that is a risk but wonder if I should go back now? Do meds help? Would rather avoid if I can as I dont really like taking medication full stop. Thank you for listening I feel a bit better even just writing things down.

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 00:32:21

I cant answer about medication because I haven't had this problem. I would say that if you feel you really can't cope with things then do go back to your doctor and see what he advises. It may be you need something just short term. See how you feel and then decide.
It has been difficult at times and as you say def at special times. The first time for me was New Year's Eve without her. I always phoned her at midnight but this time she wasn't there. I made dh go out and stayed home on my own and just sobbed. Birthday. Christmas , Mother's Day , they are all awful days but we can't avoid them.
Glad you have a supportive dh. Shame about your sibling but most families have some problems and times
Like bereavement seems to bring out the worst in some people. You aren't alone in that. Several on this thread have similar things. You don't have to put the photos up right away , wait until you feel you can face it, no point in putting yourself through more stress for now.

officelady Sat 27-Jul-13 05:52:09

mummylin thank you for the welcome and it is very reassuring that I am not going through this alone, but sad that there are so many of us grieving for a parent. I am so sorry that your mum died in similar circumstances to mine - to be honest I don't think I will ever get over the shock and just the general horror of the night that she died (I was still staying at her house with my children and had to calm my dad down and sort the kids out and do CPR etc whilst waiting for an ambulance to arrive). I felt so unprepared to deal with any of it and normally I am quite a 'together' person.
I went into work yesterday but came home at lunchtime, I am doing flexible hours at the moment because it's the school hols so it wasn't a big issue, I was on the verge of tears for most of the morning and didn't want to explain why to my colleagues, so I made an excuse about wanting to do something with the kids in the afternoon and trotted off home for a good indulgent cry. Felt loads better afterwards! I had a look through some photos of my mum from our last holiday together and thought about all the fun and laughter we had shared which was helpful and I have had a good night's sleep (although don't ask me why I'm up at 5am confused
bluestar2 hello and welcome. You asked how you pick yourself up - well, your mum only died a very short time ago so remember it is still very early days for you. There is no time limit on how long you are supposed to grieve for, speaking for myself - almost a year later I still have moments of utter despair but they get fewer and further between. The first few months after mum died I was absolutely overwhelmed with sadness but it does get better. I'm not sure about medication because that is not something I would consider (don't really do going to the doctors!). Some of my friends who have lost someone close to them have been to counselling but they have had mixed results - some found it incredibly helpful but others not so much. So that might be something worth investigating if you would like to try professional help but not drugs smile

bluestar2 Sat 27-Jul-13 09:56:01

Thank you office lady I'm glad you are able to leave work if necessary. That feeling of impending tears is awful when you feel you can't. Comfort from memories and pictures is something I hope to get with time. I so sorry your mum died in such circumstances it much have been a terrible shock to find yourself deali g with it.

I don't really want medication I have toyed with the idea of counselling but I find it hard to open up to people. It took me a lot to post on here tbh. I know that sounds silly. Right now I am trying to keep busy and enjoy my dcs before I return to work soon. Thank you for your advice and sharing you experience and opinion.

t875 Sat 27-Jul-13 11:55:21

Really pleased to see you have a bean mummylin!! I know this meant a lot to you and funnily enough it has done to me to have you get one smile I think someone gave it a helping hand as they also knew how much it meant to you possibly smile

The new posters that have lost blue star and office lady it all is so very hard at the beginning raw as hell it still is some days. I did and still do take comfort from my spiritual beliefs that she is still with me had lots of signs and messages to prove this ( to me) but some days it's not enough and want her physically. I do special things, I brought her things still. I talk to her as i believe she can hear me and I also feel her around me. Can't explain that one I'm afraid I just feel a huge warmth.
But I miss her like crazy and same as mummylin there was nothing wrong with her massive stroke took her in her sleep. I've slowly adjusted my days to her not being here but I hate it and wish she was here too.
Talk to us anytime. Hugs to you all who needs it xx

t875 Sat 27-Jul-13 11:57:29

Hi to biscuits ( not forgotten you bear with me x) ssd hope your going along ok, snow flake, galaxy, and anyone I may have missed. My brains fried from working too much!! X

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 12:37:59

Hi [t875] yes I too am thrilled with my new bean !!!
officelady I too feel I will never ever recover from the shock of mums death. It was so unexpected and it may be this which is holding me back from any kind of recovery. I go over and over it in my mind, I go from being angry that hospital didnt save her, to so sad she isn't here, then I get upset thinking if she was scared or in any pain. It fluctuates between. One thing or another. My siblings seem to be coping ok, but I am the one she saw nearly every day as the others were at work. I am the one she shared a hotel room with on all our holidays. I just miss her so much and the thought of life without her is sometimes unbearable. Other times I can cope, but often my mind just won't let it go.
bluestar you can always think about counselling at a later date even if its not for you at this time. I have found this thread is therapeutic for me, so many people in RL expect you to be ok in a short space of time and that just isn the case. Then you are almost afraid to say anything, so if someone asks how you are we just say " oh I'm fine thanks * when in reality we aren't. But it's only people who have lost their parent who really understand. One day I expect acceptance will come for all of us, we won't be happy about it but we will learn to live with it without getting these feelings of despair. Until then we can all help each other.

Badvoc Sat 27-Jul-13 22:32:49

My beloved dad died auddenly today at 2pm.
And I don't know what to do,
What are supposed to do without your dad?

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 22:37:43

Oh badvoc I am so sorry to hear that. It's a terrible shock isn't it and I expect you are in a state of utter disbelief that this has happened. It's as though none of it is real. But sadly it is and it's awful. There will be a few things to be sorted in the next few days and if you are the one who will arrange things this will give you something to concentrate on for some of the time. I hope you have supportive friends and family. You will need them now. I am so terribly sorry, I know how painful the early days are, if we can help you in any way we will

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 22:39:27

Do you want to talk about your dear dad, what he was like , or what he enjoyed. Don't worry if that's not what you need right now.

Badvoc Sat 27-Jul-13 22:40:40

I'm just numb.
We were at a hotel for a family wedding and my mum called me from their room hysterical as dad had collapsed.
My dh and I (and a hotel staff member) did CPR til the ambulance crew arrived but I think I knew he was gone.
He had no pulse when I got to their room which was only about 30 seconds after mum phoned me.
We have had to leave him their and come home.
He is all alone.
My poor mother.
They were married for 42 years.
I don't know what to do.

Badvoc Sat 27-Jul-13 22:42:29

He was lovely. Just lovely. He was kind and funny and I am broken.
He lived for his family and leaves behind my mum, me, my brother and sister and 5 grandchildren.
I have to tell my 2 sons tomorrow that their pop is gone.
How the hell do I do that?
My poor sister is on holiday and flying back tomorrow.

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 22:54:42

What a terrible shock for you all. It's awful when a death is sudden and unexpected. I had this too when my mum died. What A sad thing to happen when it should of been such a happy day of celebration. Is your mum with you ? Is your brother local as well. You will all need each other for now. The only way I could deal with mums death was to be glad she wasnt ill and suffering for months. But this dosent help much when it first happens. Has your dad said he was feeling ill or anything, has he had trouble with his heart previously.
You poor things to of had this happen out of the blue. And your poor mum, after all those years together, she must be distraught.

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 23:15:01

Do try and get some sleep tonight, even if sleep dosent come you can rest just by being in bed. You may be mentally exhausted so sleep will come for you.i don't know how you will tell your two boys, they will be upset I am sure but children seem to cope with these things far better than adults. Don't be afraid to let them see you are upset. It's fine to cry. Good luck with that and anything we can help you with feel free to ask any of us. Sending you strength for the next few awful days.

Badvoc Sun 28-Jul-13 09:00:46

Oh god, oh god.
Last night My mum was rushed to hospital with a heart attack too.
We left her at 6am and the nurse just rang me - they are taking her down to the cath lab for an angiogram now.
My fil is coming to take me in...dh is far too tired to drive.
I don't think I can do this....

Badvoc Sun 28-Jul-13 09:01:23

My sister is getting back tonight at midnight.
My mum doesn't want me to tell her.
I don't know what to do.

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 10:39:58

Oh my god your poor poor mum. It was probably the shock of your dad. What a truly awful time your family is going through. I hope your mum recovers well. As regards your sister there really isn't a lot to gain by telling her while she is on route to get home. There is nothing she can do until she gets there. Be strong if you can . I am very sorry to see this further news.
Please let us know when you have news about your mum if you have the time. Will be thinking of you.

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 10:43:57

You will surprise yourself At what you can do in times of so much stress. It sounds a bit silly but so make sure you eat properly. You need to keep yourself well at the moment. If you can't face a whole meal at least have a snack of some sort. What a shocking thing to of happened. Is your brother able to be with you ?

likesnowflakesinanocean Sun 28-Jul-13 11:40:48

wanted to pop on to echo mummylins word, you will suprise yourself with what you can do whilst you are in the fuzz of grief but try to take time to eat and drink. your sister will be there soon to support you and help you stay strong and support your mum. wishing her all the good luck vibes i can muster up. x

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