Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

(973 Posts)
mummylin Thu 02-May-13 10:46:10

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

ssd Thu 18-Jul-13 15:00:32

hi again girls, sorry I've been a bit quiet lately. I seen the counsellor from cruse this morning. As it was just a first meeting I filled in a questionnaire and had a little chat. I haven't talked about my mum for so long as soon as I said her name I started crying. But the lady was very nice. She said from the answers on my questionnaire it looked like I would benefit from counselling, but there's a 3 month wait. Still better than nothing. At least I feel I'm trying to get through all this. One thing she did say was it wasn't long since my mum died (10 months). But it honestly feels like another lifetime away for me. She also said me feeling like my mums death brought back my dads death 14 yrs earlier wasn't unusual. Its good someone telling you what you feel is normal. I don't know anyone else who has lost both their parents. The counsellor said she'd lost both parents and it was so different from losing one parent, it made you feel like an orphan. I just feel so alone in the world.

hope you're all doing as best you can, its a long process isn't it.

too warm here today for me, am hiding indoors!

mummylin Thu 18-Jul-13 19:15:26

Hi ssd nice to see you. Glad you found it a bit helpful to discuss things over today. Things just seem to eat you away don't they. I myself have been a bit upset at hearing that a lot of death as occur over the weekends as no consultant in the hospital. This is what happened to my mum, I am now being tortured that if someone had been there she may of lived. Of course I may be wrong and I will never know now, but I wish mum had gone into hospital on Monday . I am trying not to think about it, but it's in the papers and now it's in my head.

Hi, I'm new to this thread. I lost my dad five weeks ago. He died very suddenly and we then had to wait 3 weeks for the funeral, so I feel like its not quite sunk in yet. Finding it all very hard as I'm still on maternity leave and dd is on,y 9 months, and he adored her. I get so upset thinking about what he will miss, and how she'll never experience all the things he had planned for them. I go back to work next month and he was meant to provide childcare along with my step mum and my DM, I have no idea how I'm going to manage going back now (childcare isn't the issue, it's the thought of him not being there). I feel like I'm just becoming such a terrible mum, I've started smoking again (wait til dd is napping then sneak into garden, same as soon as she is in bed) and have been drinking a lot (when she is in bed, or with a sitter, so not in front of dd), and I haven't been to any baby groups since it happened. I know I need to stop this and get on with things but it's so hard sad

mummylin Thu 18-Jul-13 20:37:59

Hello letthemdrinkrose I'm very sorry you are on this thread and my deepest sympathies on your loss. It is a very hard time trying to accept a loved ones loss. It is very difficult to come to terms with. And it seems for you it has also messed up your future plans. There is no easy way to recover really and the grieving can be very difficult.
It is so sad that we have to say goodbye and it hurts to know we can't see them again, I still struggle to think I can't see my mum.
I don't know if you have a lot of support in RL. I hope so. But some of us have found that we have not had the support from people we though would be more supportive. This is where this thread has helped enormously. For people who haven't been through this .its hard for them to understand. I am sure your dad will be a great loss to them , but as your sc get older, you can talk about him to them so that they know him. Please come here for support when you need.

martini84 Sun 21-Jul-13 08:46:50

Hi. I have dipped in and out of this thread with different names over the years. Lost my dad over 20 years ago and my mum just over 2.
It's really weird when you think you are coping and than someone says something which hurts. I had my 3rd child after my mum died so she never got to meet her. That in itself is hard enough.
However yesterday we met some old friends we haven't seen for years and she said "the grandparent's must have been really pleased" she knows dh lost his dad but obviously didn't know about my parents.
I knos she couldn't know but it feels like old wounds have been unintentionally opened.

mummylin Sun 21-Jul-13 12:18:21

Yes, things must still hurt many years after. I suppose it never goes away really. I was at my brothers yesterday and he showed me all the photos of mums flowers. Then the last pictures he took before other people took mums house over. I shed a few tears then. Grief is so awful and it's hard sometimes to know how to deal with it. All we can do is carry on and think of our loved ones often ( which I'm sure we do anyway ) I'm sorry that you felt so hurt by others, even if they didn't intend it

martini84 Sun 21-Jul-13 12:33:07

Thank you mummylim.
ssd I can so relate to my mum's death opening old wounds re dad's death many year before.
I remember sitting on a bus maybe 2 months after my mums death and overheard some grandparen's saying how they wanted to treat their. Gc. Iwas in tears.
I have always found father's day more difficult since her death too.

mummylin Sun 21-Jul-13 16:20:47

I think the special days will always be very upsetting. You think of what they are missing out on. My own sister have birth to twins 3 and a half months after mums death and that is a source of great sadness. Never had twins in our family before either.
I don't know about you. But even though I have adult kids of my own and GC , I miss my mum terribly. My life does not feel right without her here.
And another thing that is upsetting is when I hear someone call out mum in the shops. I can't help thinking how lucky they are to have her.
Birthdays are horrible too( I mean my own ) but to get over this I put a card that I had had from my mum up and it makes me feel she has sent me a new card, I do the same at Xmas time too. A card that says happy Christmas to my daughter. That helps me too. And now one of my brothers is doing the same thing.

martini84 Sun 21-Jul-13 17:41:37

O yes my mum died about a month before my birthday. I was in my mums building sociretythat day sorting out closing her account and opening a new one for probate. The daft girl serving me asked if I was having a nice birthday.
I also got upset because the last present my mum brought for me split and I couldn't get a replacement pair.!

mummylin Sun 21-Jul-13 20:34:29

We will always remember where we were and what we were doing at this awful time in our lives. Like you I was upset when my brother and I went to mums bank. I gave the girl mums Visa card and she sat and cut it in to little bits in front of me. I just sat there and cried and she apologised for being insensitive. Strangely some things I seem to of forgotten. I think I was in a fog . My younger brother and I were executors, but I would never have been able to get through it without him. He did most of the stuff, I just signed stuff when I had to. Can't even remember now what we had to do. So much that I hadn't realised before. I'm luckier. Than you, I do have my last bday gift and I wore it this week ! It's now a treasure

ssd Sun 21-Jul-13 21:07:43

hi girls

funny this talk about birthdays, I was just looking at money wrapped in a paper tissue I put away that my mum gave me nearly a year before she died, I opened it yesterday, I have £10 left in it, but I'm loath to spend it as its the last birthday money she gave to me...she was really old, even then, I had to phone her up on my birthday and ask her did she remember what day it was, she said no so I said its my birthday mum, she felt really bad, but it was just her getting old, although it sort of broke my heart. I've wrote this on here before, last year when mum died it was 2 days before my anniversary and 13 days before my birthday and the only thing I got in the post on my birthday was her funeral bill. But someone said to me not so long ago, maybe that was her trying to send you something, it made me feel better.

there's just so many memories of this time, isn't there and they are all engraved on our memories, we're probably all the same and we'll never forget.

the idea from mummylin of keeping a card from our mums or dads is a great idea, I have a birthday one but not an anniversary one or a Christmas one, I wish I'd thought to keep them but hindsight's a great thing isn't it, and you just cant imagine a life without your mum or dad so you don't think of these things.

I'm sorry for the posters joining this thread, but everyone is very welcome, its a great thread to be on, very supportive and welcoming, and mummylin really knows what to say when you're feeling down, she is one of the most supportive posters I know, she and t875 and some of the other girls have kept me going here! thanks to you all xxx

LucyBabs Sun 21-Jul-13 22:27:34

Hi all.
I have been reading this thread for awhile now.
I am so very sorry that a thread like this needs to exist but it gives great comfort even to me as a lurker.

I have lost both my parents recently.
My Mum 8 months ago and my Dad four months ago.

My Mum was my best friend and life is so bloody dull without her sad

I am really struggling this week.
I need to see and talk to her so much.
The pain is unbearable.
I can't do a thing about it though can I?!

I have two young dc they make life worth living but its bitter sweet, my ds is 20 months old so will not remember my mam and dad. My dd is almost 5 so I'm hoping she will remember them both

So sorry LucyBabs - no words of wisdom here. I lost my mum one month ago tomorrow so I understand the really quite desperate need to see and talk to your mum.

I find throwing things helps....and walking up hills and screaming.

Wish I could help, but only thing I can say is that I know how you feel.

mummylin Sun 21-Jul-13 23:02:27

Hello lucy and branston yes it all hurts like nothing I have ever felt before. As you explained it Lucy. So I feel the same. I found you can go along day by day for a while and not be too bad, then you hear a song, see a favourite flower or just anything that reminds you, and hey presto you are back to square one all over again. I really don't knw the answer but I am constantly told I will "get there " wherever there is !
As I have said before, we can only just go day by day really, eventually there Are more good than bad, but when you do have an off day, I think it's just like a physical ache inside. My Heart has felt really heavy sometimes. The thought of all the years ahead without my mum is just too awful to bear.i am sure you both feel this now and again
ssdthankyou for your lovely words. Hope you ae doing ok. When is your next apt ?

mummylin Sun 21-Jul-13 23:10:30

lucy I just realised you have suffered two losses, oh my god that is awful. I have no answer for that but ssd has lost both parents as well so she will know how you feel. Your poor thing I have no idea how you cope with that. Do you have siblings to support you and good friends. Please post here whenever like, eventually someone will always reply to you.

crazykat Mon 22-Jul-13 20:01:43

Letthemdrinkrose you're not becoming a terrible mum. I fell to pieces after my nan (my second mam) died, I just didn't see the point in cooking cleaning school run etc, but carried on for my DCs. Try not to drink too much as though it may numb the pain for a while in the long run it'll make you feel worse.

Lucy I'm so sorry you have cause to join us especially losing both parents. The only advice I can give is to take it one day, even one hour at a time.

On the subject of cards my nan gave us one for our first anniversary that has a wheel on the front so it can be for any anniversary up to, I think, 60 years. I'm so glad I kept it and get it out every year. I also kept our Christmas and birthday cards from my parents this year and will get them out every year too. DH thinks its a bit soppy but understands it will help me so doesn't moan much about all the cards I've kept.

Hope everyone's doing okay and not too down.

t875 Mon 22-Jul-13 23:06:41

I am so sorry to see all those that have had losses I am so sorry I've not been around working 4 days is a killer! Kids are stressy and its rubbish but I have to do it as its money sad
Huge hugs to you all. It's a very hard time horrendous some days! The void is huge and I hate she isn't here but some days I can't think of that void as it hurts like mad. Hate it. I speak to her no one nothing comes back! Then again if I heard her I think I'd need smelling salts!!

Thinking of you all on the thread! The subjects of cards I have a card written from her but only found a Christmas one got lots of writing from pads though and little bits I know she is chuffed I've kept! My mum was easily pleased and I'm sure she still is.

If anyone wants to chat I can pm easier but I'm trying to jump in where I can. Right with you all. X

ssd Mon 22-Jul-13 23:30:43

lucy, I'm so sorry, losing both your parents within a few months must be overwhelming, that's an awful lot for you to deal with. I can understand you needing your mum, I think most of us here can sympathise with that feeling, I used to sort of do a deal with mum, I'd think "I'll phone you mum and we'll talk but I wont tell anyone, it'll be our secret, I just want to hear your voice", like a barter with heaven, but I never tried, it would have been too heartbreaking as of course she wouldn't have answered. I think when we're desperate we think/try/feel things we cant explain, and we just have to try to live through it and hope the next hour/day is a bit better. Its just too sad for words, I find coming onto this thread helps as we all feel the same, trying to explain it to friends/family who don't feel the same makes me feel lonelier and worse. So I keep it to myself now. mummylin, I'm waiting for cruse to contact me with an appointment, hopefully wont be 3 months like they said! branston, that's still so very raw for you, I think if throwing things and walking up hills and screaming helps then that's what you should do, whatever helps you get through that numb stage you must do it. I'm sorry for you, too.

Isnt it awful girls sad. BUT we're supporting each other, we're all at different stages but we all have sympathy and empathy for each other, a lot more than I have found in real life at times!!!

love and hugs to us all xxx

LucyBabs Tue 23-Jul-13 09:47:42

Thanks girls x

ssd
I can relate to what you said about speaking to people in RL it makes me angry when friends say Ah just think of the good times you had with your Mum she wouldn't want you feeling so down (I know friends mean well) I just want to scream!

They just can't possibly understand how debilitating grief can be, its certainly not something they can help as they've not been through it and i wouldn't wish it on them.

I am taking all your advice and taking each hour as it comes, that seems to help the most.

branston
Screaming sounds like a good release I think I will try that when I get 5 minutes to myself

mummylin Tue 23-Jul-13 10:31:48

lucy we have mostly all found that people we thought would be supportive aren't. Some people seem to think that in a weeks time everything goes back to being normal as though we haven't suffered a great loss. It really does show people up in a bad light. And it can be very hurtful when they repeat the trite phrases which actually mean nothing. The thing is everyone around goes back to their own lives and you are left on your own to grieve. This is where this thread has been so good for us all. We all understand and feel/ felt the same.it is just soul destroying.
crazykat nice to see you again hope you are ok.
ssd hope you don't have to wait so long for your next apt at cruse. Hope you found some consolation when you went last week.
t875 nice to see you too, you must be quite shattered with all the work you are doing , but as you say it's extra cash which is always welcome.
branston I will come and scream with you if you like ! I'm not known for being quiet !
To anyone I haven't mentioned including * biscuits* I hope you are all going day by day and coping ok.

martini84 Tue 23-Jul-13 21:02:54

lucy losing both parents so close together must have been devastating.
I too lost both my parents but many years apart.
In my case because I lost my dad so young losing my mum was a double blow as she was my only parent through most of my adult life.
And yy to people in rl being disappointing. My dh actualy asked me why I was crying on the day of my mums funeral!!
Thinking of everyone.

mummylin Tue 23-Jul-13 22:16:00

Hellomartini isn't it strange how people seem to be so unsympathetic. I have been upset also by my dh being so bloody insensitive at times. I'm shocked that your dh said that on the day of the funeral.my neighbour who had known my mum for years completely ignored it and couldn't even say they were sorry to hear about mums death. And yet my mum knitted for his dd when his wife left him and he had no money, needless to say I have not spoken to him since. Ignorant pig , makes me so mad. Good job we can rant on here !

LucyBabs Wed 24-Jul-13 12:07:11

Thanks Martini
My dp can be so insensitive and again it comes back to him not understanding what I'm going through but I think surely people can imagine what it must be like?

mummylin Like you were saying about people expecting you to be back to normal quickly, dp presumed after a few weeks I was fine but my mood was awful i could barely function. Dp asked me one night if I could think of him and the kids as my moods were having an effect on them hmmm angry

mummylin Wed 24-Jul-13 13:46:32

lucy words fail me sometimes! My dh used my mums little garden trowel and broke it, I was upset about it but he could not understand why . What is the matter with them ?
And another time they were playing " you raise me up on the tele and dh sat there singing along That upset me too as it was one of the songs at mums funeral ! So bloody thoughtless.

StupidMistakes Wed 24-Jul-13 19:56:12

My mum was taken 10 weeks ago today. I miss her so much. More than I ever tell anyone. I can't believe she was gone so quick. Less than a month it took cancer to take the strongest, bravest person I have ever known. She has gone to join my dad who I can't remember, who kept cancer at bay for three months.

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