Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

(973 Posts)
mummylin Thu 02-May-13 10:46:10

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

vladthedisorganised Thu 02-May-13 14:35:48

Hi everyone. Sun is shining outside and it feels like it'll be nice for the bank holiday..

ephemeralfairy Thu 02-May-13 14:47:57

My dad died very very suddenly when I was nine. I'm now 32 and I miss him horribly still. Today is particularly bad for some reason. I'm actually fighting tears as I write this (not good as I am at work...!)

I don't have much else to say really, but I would say this: no-one should underestimate how deeply children grieve, and the many many ways their grief can manifest. Looking back now, I can see that my grief was not dealt with very well. This created a lot of anger and resentment and problems in my relationship with my mum and eventually led to some pretty disabling bouts of depression throughout my 20s.

I'm not out of the woods yet by any means. I'm getting there, but I still have bad days and the most random things can trigger memories of my dad and make me cry.
anyway..thanks for listening everyone!

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 02-May-13 15:31:48

found you smile. ds is improving slightly but still looks like he been in a fight

mummylin Thu 02-May-13 18:12:50

Hello fairy. ( sorry can't write full name ) I am sure that its a difficult time for some children and I'm sorry that you are still feeling it so badly many years after. Indeed none of us actually know if we will be free of this awful grief. I actually had a sad few minutes this afternoon when I was in a shop with dh and they had a little robin ornament, which right away made me think of my mum.I did not go into the next shop with dh. I sat in the car and had a few tears. No point telling dh , he would think I was mad.
snowflakes I am glad that your ds eye is improving, is he letting you put drops in ok ? Hopefully you are right and it will be a good weekend, we have so much to do in the garden, but I don't have my usual enthusiasm any more. But it will get done eventually. Ay plans for the weekend ? Glad you found the new thread.

mummylin Thu 02-May-13 21:29:51

This post belongs to ssd I have taken the libert of re posting this for her.
"just seen this from another poster, it sums up how I feel about my siblings

"It's not that you want them to do everything - it's just that you'd like them to care enough to think of you.

We've just been through an awful few months with homelessness etc and the lack of support from my big family has caused more of a lasting effect then anything else.

I very quickly came to realise I am the doormat of the family and nothing that I have done for them will ever be returned.

I've never been able to say anything to them about it though. It somehow seems too tantrumy to bring up doesn't it?"

fluffymindy Thu 02-May-13 21:44:38

The bluebells coming out reminds me of my Mummy. Today I drove past her horse field and looked for her car but she has been dead for almost 11 years! I am moving away from this area soon and to be honest I will be glad to be getting away from all the familiar places in which she is missing.

mummylin Thu 02-May-13 22:24:33

I think there will always be things that will remind you of your mum, a smell, a song, lots of things. I am sorry you lost her and hope you find happiness where you are moving too

StinkyElfCheese Fri 03-May-13 11:49:35

My mum died a year ago today I mias her so much. So much has happened since then I keep crying today nd haven't done that in months and to top it all off dad wants to come round tonight with his girlfriend ( aka the manipulative old hag) my children are all off school today. And have no idea why mummy is sad my dd has just told me I don't news to be sad as nanny is in heaven ( she's only 7) I just want Somone to give me a hug sit me down and make me tea sad

likesnowflakesinanocean Fri 03-May-13 12:15:39

I'd make you tea if I could smile dd sounds very sweet. be kind to you today and feel however you need to feel. x

mummylin Fri 03-May-13 14:46:53

Sends stinky thanks brew And a big hug. X sorry you are feeling upset, the thing is grief can creep up on us when we least expect it and it knocks us for six. But brighter days ahead for all of us x

mummylin Sat 04-May-13 10:13:02

Hope you will all havea good weekend, but who has pinched our sunshine ? It's dull and overcast here.

Flowersinthedirt Sun 05-May-13 18:42:46

Hi all, sadly I'm now eligible to join you on this thread. My mum died 3 weeks ago of complications from breast cancer. I am, to say the least, struggling.

I alternate between complete denial and pretending it never happened, to obsessively turning over the events of her last week in my mind. Most of the time I distract myself but at other moments I am struck by the horror of it all, almost like a physical pain in my chest which leaves me gasping. I feel like I will never experience happiness or feel joy again. I have wondered if I would be able to kill myself to be rid of this feeling, the thought of actually living like this is too much to bear. My partner is keen to book holidays and plan the future but I feel like time has stopped. I think about my childhood and now realise that this was the happiest time of my life and it is gone.

I still have my dad, and 2 brothers, but our mum was the centre of everything and we are all lost without her. I have fantasied about my dad proposing a suicide pact for us all. I'm also experiencing a sort of existential crisis I suppose. Having seen my mum pass from alive to dead, I think about all the people I will have to watch die in future - including my beloved dad. And, as I am the youngest, no doubt my brothers too. It is just unbearable. I have never felt such pain. I want to pull my brain from my head and just be empty of all thoughts forever.

Sorry to go on, I don't feel I can talk to my partner, and most of all I want the comfort of women. My family is now entirely male aside from me and I feel so lonely. Thanks for listening x

mummylin Sun 05-May-13 20:30:50

Oh flowers I can see what pain you are in. Firstly I give you my utmost sympathies. I know exactly how you are feeling and the first few weeks are almost unbearable.please don't think that if you weren't here things would be ok. They won't as you still have your dad and family and think what it would do to them. Your loss is very very new , but I too and most of us have felt like you at some point. There is no easy remedy for you and you will find at times the grief is overwhelming. I expect you have gone over and over that awful day so many times. You may also find that people you thought would be supportive are not. Many people choose to ignore the whole thing when you meet them. And many others think you will " be over it" in a couple of weeks. Of course this isn't true and this is where we have helped each other on this thread. I can tell you that eventually things do get a bit easier, but for now I'm sure it's the foremost thing in your mind.i also think I will never be entirely happy again without my mum. You wonder how life goes on around you and want to scream at the world" don't you know my mum died" it's almost inconceivable that people Are out shopping etc. please do not suffer on your own , there are. Lot of us here who will try and help you to get through it, and if you want to rant and rage sometimes , that's ok too.i hope you have a good family who can help you too. X

t875 Mon 06-May-13 16:04:05

Mummlin - what a nice opening message hope your going along ok xx

Ssd - Hope your weekend is going along ok and work is going along ok too.
Biscuits and snowflake waiting (how are you?? not heard from you in a while, galaxy, kitty??) I cant remember anymore but please jump in and find us again and let us know how your doing/getting along.

Stinky - big hug and a brew we are always here so rant away, we have shared anger, at times memories of them that's made them smile, times when we have thought of something funny, what our mums/dads legacies have been and what they are following on to us. Hope you feel a little better, its a year for me and tbh i still get days where i feel like the beginning. x

Flowers - So very sorry to here of your loss, it is raw as hell and this time last year i was a crying, sobbing, angry, lost, state! I also gasped at times too with panic attacks, i just couldn't believe it and tbh still don't some days after a year and still miss her like crazy! My best friend!! But my belief is she is with me and guiding me with all i do, but we all don't believe that way, its a comfort to me but then some days it means nothing as i want her physically. I believe I feel my mum around me and i also know i have had little things happen and they are from her
Do what you feel comfortable with, light a candle, have a little special box which you can put little special bits in of your mums, i hugged my mums cardigan and other personal at the beginning. Surround yourself with people who you care about and they care about you and are really there for you, asking how you are etc, i really learnt this like mummylin said, 10 years i have been friends with haven't asked me hardly at all how im feeling.
I will also so though I have had 4 sessions with CRUSE bereavement and they have been great, there is also a generic CRUSE helpline just for one off chats with and I have also found these great and a massive help.
people say it does get easier, well yes it is a little easier, but then there some days which are harder and the firsts are very hard. We will be here for you like we are for each other and we will all get eachother through them dark days, {{{big hugs}}} x

mummylin Tue 07-May-13 11:17:46

Hope you all had a good weekend. Shame the weather is set to change. I hope that wasnt the summer ! Went up to the crem on Sunday and replaced the flowers and found one of the little plaques I had got for mum had been broken. It may of been caught when the workmen were striking around the graves, but I will get another one. One of my brothers went to another town and in the market found a Lovely vase which has "mum" and a little verse etched into it it's one of the vases made for cemeteries that just slide into the ground. Love to everyone x

mummylin Tue 07-May-13 11:18:52

Should say strimming not striking !!!

t875 Tue 07-May-13 20:16:37

oh dear mummylin sorry to hear about the plaque, but the vase sounds nice and with mum too. I have a candle holder with mum on it which i love seeing my candle burning through.

Im going along ok, but i am really missing her so much and i have to say i hate it, still cant quite believe it!! sad
she was such a larger than life person, we all ticked around her and there is a massive gap with her not here.

Hope everyone is going along not too bad. ((hug)) if anyone needs it x

mummylin Tue 07-May-13 21:44:58

Will we ever truly believe it [t875]? It just does not seem possible sometimes does it. Don't know if I mentioned it or not, but I had another upsetting little thing in te sat few days too. Was in another shop with dh and the background music they had playing was my mums ring tone I still have on my phone. That also upset me, so in the last few days , it has been the music, the little robin and the broken plaque ! But I can replace the plaque ok.do you still keep your mums numbers on your phone ? I can't bear to take it off. X

Marshy Tue 07-May-13 22:14:10

Mum's funeral today. The sun shone and it was all beautiful - fitting, comforting, just right.
I still have her number in my phone..........but it's someone else's number now. Will be an age before I get used to that.

t875 Tue 07-May-13 23:20:20

my mum didnt have a phone unfortunately so I haven't got anything like that and any messages on the land line would have got wiped when unbelievably the phone died after my mum passed.
I have all the spiritual side but now is the unfortunate realisation now for me that she is gone sad and that is very hard, but im going through the day but just hate my mum not being here. Oh bless you Mummylin how very hard to hear the ring tone and all the other things, what happened with the robin? Think i might have missed that!

marshy sending you a big hug, it is a very tough day isnt it, i had tremendous sadness but i also know she would have loved what we done for her the songs and who was there. Thinking of you and sending you suport, we are here for you. x

likesnowflakesinanocean Wed 08-May-13 08:08:20

muddling along okay , the vase sounds nice and a shame about your plaque. I too have mums texts and her number still saved don't think until I get a new phone ill be removing then. her last texts hardly make any sense though sad. got to go to her house tomorrow to help her husband with something, I am dreading it iv been back twice since and it always upsets me.,

vladthedisorganised Wed 08-May-13 09:12:28

Hugs to everyone this morning. Hope I can ask for some more.. had really hoped the miscarriage was over, but had another scan on Friday (blithely skipped in expecting a 'yep, that's it done, now you can get on with your life') and it appears not. Made the mistake of looking at the screen which was not nice when I was alone - hadn't thought I'd need to bring DH with me and had the 'oh God I have to get back in the next 30 minutes because neighbours can only look after DD until noon' going on too. I've to have surgery tomorrow and won't know until this afternoon when I need to go in, whether I'll be kept in overnight or even where I need to go!

I miss my Mum so much at the moment, she went through the same thing when I was small and I know she'd be over sorting things out.
It's funny, the thing that got me most was seeing on FB that a friend's dog had died - everyone was messaging her and saying "hope you're OK, I'll be round in a couple of hours, don't try to do anything as you'll be upset".. and realising most of my friends don't know about the miscarriage, and I have no idea how to tell them without feeling like a blight. "Hi everyone, long time no see, and thanks for your support when Mum died.. well, things haven't been so good since then.."

One of Dad's friends has been diagnosed with a brain tumour and I know I ought to be shaken by this, but it's almost as if I can't deal with that as well. I did tell Dad that he shouldn't feel burdened by me if his friend needs him, since what I was going through wasn't on the same level and I'd sort things out on my own, even though it was the opposite of how I actually felt.

Frankly, I'm getting to the stage where I'm just waiting for the next disaster, which is no way to live sad.

likesnowflakesinanocean Wed 08-May-13 09:31:33

sounds horrendous vlad, am sorry things haven't gone smoothly and hope the hospital get you in soon enough. please feel u can tell your Friends if only one of them just so you get some support x

mummylin Wed 08-May-13 10:41:35

So sorry to see your latest postvlad how horrible for you to have this still hanging over you. Hope they get you seen as quickly as possible. Sorry also to hear about your dads friend. Hope he goes on ok.
marshy I am glad the funeral went ok ,it's a real ordeal isn't it. It's almost like your on the outside looking in
t875 it's my mums mobile phone number i still have on my phone. I actually have mums mobile here in her handbag. Of course the battery has long run out but one day I am going to charge it up just to see if the last,messages she sent me are there. Then I will send them to myself
so I can keep them. Mums handbag is exactly as I bought it home from the hospital. Even her purse has money in it ,but that's where it's staying !
Well the sun has now gone and we have had a lot of rain in the night. It's still very humid but oh so dull.

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