A little hand holding please...

(511 Posts)
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 26-Apr-13 03:48:37

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

SugarMiceInTheRain Tue 30-Apr-13 20:25:47

survival I am so so sorry to hear of your loss. Big hugs to you and your boys xx

dontmixthecolours Tue 30-Apr-13 20:34:09

survival I am so sorry for your loss.

5madthings Tue 30-Apr-13 20:40:50

survival i am sorry the initial post mortem didnt give you the answers you were hoping for. I hope you do get some kind of answer/explanation.

I hope your ds1's first day back at school went ok and that getting into the normal routine of school goes smoothly for you and him. Does ds2 go to pre-school?

I wish i had some wise words, i dont but am thinking of you and sendinh strength. I hope you are managing to sleep, let the sheets be smelly, i agree save the pillowcase or clothes he had worn recently, anything that helps in any way.

Much love xxx

5madthings Tue 30-Apr-13 20:42:21

A further thought, a relative of mine after her husband died suddenly at a similar age was put in touch with cruise? I think and found them.helpful. Xxx

exexpat Tue 30-Apr-13 21:04:40

Survival - so sorry you have the added trauma of an inconclusive post mortem. Is the general assumption that he had a cardiac arrest for an unknown reason?

DH died of sudden heart failure, but I never had a real explanation as to why. Obviously I also worried about the children, but one reassuring thing has been that DS's school participates in a screening programme run by Cardiac Risk in the Young. They screen for heart abnormalities in teenagers, and DS has been given the all-clear. DD is still too young, but I will get her screened in due course.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Wed 01-May-13 00:39:57

Exexpat we seem to have been dealt some similarly hard situations. My gp has rung the CRY charity today and they have agreed to screen the boys outside their usual age group. Maybe they'd do it for your DD too? The gp is also referring them to the paediatrician/cardiologist -whoever they feel is the right person. With a plan, I am calmer.

We've had a much quieter day today, for
which I was ready. Ds1 did his 90mins at school. Luckily, I had suggested some possible answers to questions he might get asked, as he said a lot of children asked him why his daddy died. He was very matter of fact about it and also told me that it was okay as no-one laughed. On the way there he said, "Mummy, I'm ready to go to school today, because I like it there." He has chosen to repeat today's short visit tomorrow. I think fielding questions for longer would be too tiring.

DS2 is still saying, "When is Daddy coming home?" and I feel he is beginning to realise that this is permanent (about as much as the rest of us, at least!) He is constantly wet at the moment. I've washed seven pairs of his trousers today so he's obviously feeling it. He was making transitions in both childcare settings and doesn't have the relationships with staff yet that ds1 has in school, so I haven't made any decisions yet about when or if he will go back anytime soon.

I had a ridiculous run in on the phone today with a quite unbelievable woman at the solicitors. I gave her a very firm but very frank (yet polite) reminder about the nature of my call and that her rudeness was unnecessary and remarkable. One of dh's friends was here at the time and he'd only met me three times before. I'm sure he was probably thinking, "I'm glad it wasn't me that married her!" The lady did apologise profusely!

I'm here alone tonight by my own request so that I can stop and remember dh all by myself. I'm listening to some songs that remind me of dh and wondering what to play at the end of the funeral service. The good news is that there are many options.

I can't quite believe that my lovely, smiley-eyed and generous husband is not coming back to slip his arms around me. In the meantime, as this realisation dawns on me slowly, the laughter, cuddles and giggles of my gorgeous boys will help to sustain me through the days ahead. It has been a sunny day today and has brought with it hope that Team Survival can make it through this, one tiny step at a time.

TwentyTinyToes Wed 01-May-13 05:43:47

I am so so sorry for you loss. What dreadful shock this must have been. Your love for your husband and your strength shine through your words, what a gentle, thoughtful mother you are too. I wish you love, strength and light for your path ahead. X

ScienceRocks Wed 01-May-13 07:23:40

Survival, so glad that DS1 handled school so well and is keen to go back. I wonder that it is easier for him to handle it all than DS2 because he is able to talk to you about it much more freely. Your poor DS2 you sound to be managing him so well, he will get there.

Sorry about the rude woman at the solicitor's office. Hope your evening listening to music helped you in many different ways.

Your situation is so very difficult, rest assured that many of us are thinking of you thanks

StoneBaby Wed 01-May-13 09:01:58

thanks and brew and wine and lots of support for Team Survival

FreckledLeopard Wed 01-May-13 09:06:50

I'm so terribly sorry about the death of your husband. Wishing you and your boys all the love, peace and strength in the world to get through this horrific time. flowers

Bakingnovice Wed 01-May-13 09:25:04

Thinking of you and your lovely family. And in awe at your strength.

Jenijena Wed 01-May-13 09:28:43

Sending you thoughts and hugs and prayers for your family.

ClimbingPenguin Wed 01-May-13 14:13:39

I hope you got some enjoyment from last night and that DS1 is enjoying his school time again.

GladbagsGold Wed 01-May-13 14:21:27

I'm so sorry for your loss. A very close friend has been through similar and its heartbreaking. Lots of love and support x

BabyGiraffes Wed 01-May-13 21:20:59

Survival, hope ds1 had another good session at school today and you are remembering to look after yourself, too. Shocking that you had trouble with a solicitor's office. My DSis and BIL had that when he tried to register both birth and death of his first child who only lived a few hours. The official told him he couldn't use the same form and registering birth and death on the same day wasn't possible! BIL stared at the woman until the penny dropped. Insensitive cow.
Sending you lots and lots of hugs and brew and biscuit and wine and thanks

Norem Wed 01-May-13 21:49:05

Hello survival just wanted to say how sorry I am about your lovely husband. You write so beautifully about him smile
Lots of love to you and your boys.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Thu 02-May-13 00:17:09

Thank you all. Very tired tonight after a long but positive day. Difficult decisions lie ahead regarding specialist cardiac pathology which may help the boys but delay the funeral.
Must sleep now but drawing strength from your kind messages. BG that's just terrible. I'm also realising how common this 'sudden adult death' all is. Tragic.

saffronwblue Thu 02-May-13 01:26:52

Hope you get some sleep survival. Thinking of you and your boys.

Homebird8 Thu 02-May-13 03:46:58

Hope you're getting some sleep Survival, and your gorgeous boys.

You'll make all the right decisions for you. I hope everyone in RL is supporting you when things like the choice for the extra pre-funeral testing is offered.

How are your plans coming along for the funeral? Are you managing to find the things which will make it special for you all? I'm glad you had a chance to listen to your music the other evening and that you had some time to yourself.

Oh crap, I'm terrible at this. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you and your little ones. I'm also more than a little bit in awe of you. thanks

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Thu 02-May-13 06:56:16

Thank you. When the decision seemed all too much yesterday, in walked my friend who is a paediatric nurse, just by chance. I am trying to involve dh's family wherever possible in the arrangements. We heard yesterday that dh had left a directive in his will re cremation, and that was a huge weight lifted, as his family and I had different ideas on that. If only he'd left me a full manual! A lot of our friends are now having the kind of conversations that you don't usually get round to, because trying to make decisions without much direction from my gorgeous husband is hard. I'm so keen to get it all right for him, which is hard in this 'fog'. I am starting to have bits of time in the late evening to myself,so I can try and bottom out the music and other content. Bit by bit, it is starting to take shape. As with everything at the moment, it's about making tiny steps, and hopefully ones that take us in the right direction.

HairyPotter Thu 02-May-13 09:20:20

Little steps. Just keep taking little steps. You are being so strong, I have nothing but admiration for you.

I hope ds1 has another good day at school, and you are able to try and finalise the arrangements for the funeral. I'm sure it will be perfect.

I'm terrible at this, I'm sorry. Nothing sounds right because there really are no words. I just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of Team Survival.

Poledra Thu 02-May-13 09:28:42

I've just seen this - I'm so so sorry for you and your boys - you are all in my thoughts.

ScienceRocks Thu 02-May-13 09:58:46

Survival, you will get it right. Your DH would be so proud of you, you are doing so incredibly well. Your strength is awe inspiring <hug>

ephemeralfairy Thu 02-May-13 15:02:49

I am so very sorry. This is all too horribly familiar. My own brilliant dad died very suddenly of a heart attack when I was nine (I'm an only child). I'm now 32. It hasn't been easy but I made it and so did my mum. You will too. I can tell you are an amazing person and a great Mum!
If you ever want some advice or just a chat with someone who has been there, please please DM me.

Thinking of you and your boys. A big hug xxx

Survival - I am full of admiration for you. You seem so composed and strong in the most hideous situation, tho inwardly I am sure you must be devastated.

Like others have said, words are so inadequate but you are all in my thoughts. Life is so unfair at times.

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