A little hand holding please...

(507 Posts)
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 26-Apr-13 03:48:37

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

LeMousquetaireAnonyme Sat 13-Jul-13 19:48:02

Hope you had your nap, and can get an early night today.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Wed 17-Jul-13 23:37:04

Well, I have survived the long, hot, sleepless weekend and we're already halfway through the next week!

I posted the probate paperwork yesterday (after my mum had scanned and photocopied it all for me in the last week). It seemed like a big moment, yet I can't really explain why, other than the hours of labour and another step along our journey that it represents.

The other exciting thing is that, through the contacts of one of my lovely ante-natal MN thread friends, I have been invited to write a blog for the Huffington Post. I am somewhat embarrassed to say that initially I assumed that it was the local paper for a small town named Huffington somewhere in South East England. When someone gasped when I told them, I decided to Google it. Now I realise it is rather a bigger thing than that. It is lovely to feel enthusiasm for something once more, and just a smidge of hope that the future might be brighter than I have been able to envisage since April 25th. I have found writing my thoughts on here to be very cathartic, but I have not edited my thoughts at all (other than avoiding mentioning my MIL!) and it will be an interesting challenge to see if I can write something people might actually want to read, other than for the very kind purpose of supporting me, as on here. My problem now is that I am tempted to stay up too late when ideas flash into my head. I need a one line bio/main title for the blog, so if any of you are inspired to suggest one, based on what you've read on here, I'd be grateful. As you can see, writing concisely is nor one of my skills!
Ds1's head teacher has received some info from one of my colleagues about schools needing a bereavement policy. I have offered to work with the staff on this, as it is very similar to things I do for work anyway, and we have decided to move forward with it in September.

I've had a lovely evening tonight with one of my regular visitors and am feeling more positive than I have in a long time. Long may it last.

saffronwblue Wed 17-Jul-13 23:49:49

Wow the Huffington post is a HUGE deal! You write really well and I am sure there are many readers out there who will want to learn from you and share your journey. You should be really proud and I bet your DH would be too.

LeMousquetaireAnonyme Sat 20-Jul-13 07:47:32

thinking of you flowers

tumbletumble Sun 21-Jul-13 18:16:08

Hi Survival, I've just caught up on your thread and I'm incredibly impressed! Finishing probate, lunch at wagamamas with your boys, bike rides, the Huffington post offer and describing yourself as feeling 'free and joyous' a couple of posts ago - you are doing amazingly well (while not forgetting the memories of your lovely DH). You are an absolute star and an inspiration. Have a wine

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Mon 22-Jul-13 11:00:18

Thank you (blushes a lot but gladly accepts the wine!) We're at the cinema now as an early holiday treat. Ds2 hasn't been before and loo trips for both might be entertaining!

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Thu 25-Jul-13 22:23:57

Tonight it is exactly three calendar months since my wonderful dh died and I have been very contemplative today. It has been an extremely long three months, but also seems like yesterday. I still can't believe it at all and am waiting for support from Cruse to help me process stuff. In the menatime, my firs blog post about our situation has gone up today in the lifestyle section. I don't want to link to it directly on here in case people then google it and come back to this, but it has the word 'survive' in its title.

I'd like to thank all of you who have posted such lovely things on this thread in the last three months, as it has really helped me. I will come back and update from time to time, but also have to spend time on the blog now too. I do tend to write my unedited thoughts on here in the hope that it is not entirely 'out there' amongst my friends, family and colleagues!!

JewelFairies Thu 25-Jul-13 22:58:59

thanks

ChippingInHopHopHop Thu 25-Jul-13 23:12:09

You are doing so incredibly well... I am impressed with how 'togther' you are now and have been since it happened. I am in awe actually.

I'm glad you are having flashes of a future that could be happy - that's a big deal! smile

DS2 is so young, it's so hard for them to understand the finality of death. My (4yo) nephew saw his Nana's car on the driveway and got really excited that she had 'changed her mind and decided she didn't want to be in heaven anymore' - he was heartbroken all over again when she wasn't there sad

Sometimes life sucks and all you can do is get on with it the best you can and you definitely are.
x

twentyten Thu 25-Jul-13 23:16:17

Just caught up on the thread. You are amazing. Well done. So many could be helped by your story. Doesn't take away the pain but you are an inspiration.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Thu 25-Jul-13 23:54:54

Thank you. Dh's car confuses the boys too as my SIL has bought it from us. I had the foresight the night it all happened to have it removed to a friend's house, but now that SIL arrives in it they keep talking about it. Yesterday ds2 said we should have kept dh's car because it goes much faster than mine!! (He certainly had heavy feet!)

It would be nice to feel that the story could help others. It seems to help me to formulate my thoughts by writing it.

LeMousquetaireAnonyme Fri 26-Jul-13 07:46:20

It is brilliantly written, I needed some tissues flowers

Four4me Fri 26-Jul-13 08:32:43

You are amazing, best of luck to you all for the path ahead.
Where do I find the lifestyle section? I'd love to read your blog.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 26-Jul-13 15:30:10

Sorry, yes, it's on the huffington post website life style section 'surviving ..'

MunchkinsMumof2 Fri 26-Jul-13 17:00:07

Beautifully written, Survival, your blog sums up your new life very eloquently and your love for Dh and your boys shines through the page. I wish you well on your future path but I know that you are resilient and loving and your boys are very lucky to have you. Sending love to you all x

saffronwblue Sat 27-Jul-13 00:47:55

That is a very moving blog and is such a tribute to your husband, boys and how you operate as a family.

Rowgtfc72 Sat 27-Jul-13 09:34:40

Survival that is beautifully written. You are very resilient and I wish you and your boys all the best .

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sat 27-Jul-13 14:34:16

Thank you lovely people.

TwentyTinyToes Fri 02-Aug-13 10:13:57

Sending you much love, and i echo the other posters, you are amazing, your boys are lucky to have you.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sat 03-Aug-13 18:20:31

Thanks Twenty. I don't always agree. I've done too much shouting this week and have managed not to shout at all today. Hopefully angry ds2 (aged 3) will now rein it in too!!

timetopost Mon 05-Aug-13 20:00:37

Hi Survival, just catching up with your posts, I echo what everyone else has already said, you are truly amazing and inspirational. Your blog is written so well, I'm sure it will help many, many people.

Hope your lovely boys are well.

Take care

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Tue 06-Aug-13 17:43:41

Thank you. It helps to hear it. Dh used to give me reassurance and it's hard to try and say it to myself as I really only see my mistakes. I think I will write a blog post about being a perfectionist at some point!

TwentyTinyToes Wed 07-Aug-13 16:26:57

You write beautifully, i hope the writing helps you. We all have shouty/less than perfect days, we are human after all. I hope the school holidays are working out ok for you all and you are managing to find a minute to yourself here and there. Much love. flowers

FoxyRevenger Thu 08-Aug-13 12:38:38

Survival, I so want to read your blog, but I cannot seem to find it!!

Please can someone PM me the link...thanks!

PS: you're doing beautifully xx

FoxyRevenger Thu 08-Aug-13 12:42:54

Ignore me...got it. You write really well, and even though I've followed your thread from the start I am still sitting here with a lump in my throat at the thought of an invisible superhero Daddy.

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