A little hand holding please...

(510 Posts)
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 26-Apr-13 03:48:37

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

JewelFairies Sun 09-Jun-13 21:45:35

Oops, x post. thanks

MunchkinsMumof2 Sun 09-Jun-13 22:11:59

Well done Survival, you have got through tricky and stressful situations with bravery and dignity and have every right to feel very proud of yourself. Having tests on you and your boys would be hard going in the best of times but I guess knowledge is power in this situation. I hope you have things to look forward to and your boys have a good week. Be extra kind to yourself wrt Fathers Day. Sending love and strength x

ScienceRocks Sun 09-Jun-13 23:19:30

Well done on the tests, and it sounds as though they are being very honest with you about when you might get results. This is definitely better than false promises or warnings, though it may well not feel like it at the moment.

The fete sounds hard work, but I am sure you managed with your usual dignity and courage. And you have done extraordinarily well to get the photo books done in such a short space of time, great that they look so good.

How are the boys doing? Are they getting used to the new normal? And you? How are evenings?

I hope you have something nice planned for next Sunday. Hopefully the school and nursery will factor your situation into their planning, and remember that your boys need a little handholding with Father's Day looming.

<more hugs>

Thinking of you with love.

Xxx

FoxyRevenger Wed 12-Jun-13 13:29:05

Survival, I think that must be right; giving yourself a break if you crumble at points. I don't think anyone could not have moments where they need to just stop and try to breathe. Thinking of you with love. xx

waltergal1 Thu 13-Jun-13 02:41:40

sending you thoughts, support, and big hugs! Hang in there...always remember the memories and keep smiling for your boys smile

Homebird8 Thu 13-Jun-13 08:58:25

Whew, what a lot is going on for you Survival. All the heart information and testing must be filling your mind. You will find a way to live with the checks for the boys and it's comforting news about your own heart once they found it behind your curves just a bit jealous with only A cups to boast of wink

* I am also hoping to find a way of getting a screening session made available to dh's 5000 colleagues at work.*

Wow, now that would be a triumph. Possibly not as big a challenge as making it to the church fete though. Well done!

tumbletumble Thu 13-Jun-13 10:49:03

Well done on getting through your busy weekend and making progress with the screening.

I will be thinking of you and your boys on Father's day.

TwentyTinyToes Thu 13-Jun-13 21:34:44

Thinking of you and your boys, i think you are doing so well. X

timetopost Thu 13-Jun-13 22:11:39

Just want to let you know that I've read your thread and Im thinking of you and your boys. I can't find any suitable words, I'm so incredibly sorry to read of your sad loss. You are doing an absolutely fantastic job of taking care of your boys, I'm sure they will grow up being incredibly proud of you. I will be thinking of you all on Sunday x

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sat 15-Jun-13 00:26:43

Thank you all again for your kind words of encouragement.

I've had a pretty good week. I began by reminding the boys about following instructions at the first time of asking and this dramatically improved their behaviour, and immediately decreased the nagging from me. This has led to a more harmonious atmosphere.

Yesterday passed (7 weeks) without me noticing it was a Thursday. I think this is a big milestone. Could also just be that I am very tired due to ds2's 90 minute night wakings that have occurred each night this week! It even included ds1's first sports day, which dh wouldn't have missed for the world, and we got through it in one piece.

Tonight, our best man drew the short straw and has helped me go through our entire two drawer filing cabinet. This has helped me to feel much more in control and organised for the future.

Two big things have happened today. Firstly, I have paid off a large chunk of our mortgage. I'd have given the money back in an instant to have dh back, but in terms of the new life that we are starting, it was a good thing to be able to do.

Secondly, and much more worryingly, I had a copy of the letter today that the local cardio consultant dictated to the regional one during the boys' appointments last week. He has added a note at the end, having scrutinised their ecgs more closely, which says that ds2's ecg shows some arrhythmia. This was a huge blow as I thought it had all gone well and that the boys were currently clear. I spoke to one of our GPs, who reassured me a bit, but I shook again all afternoon, like I did for those first five days. He thinks we should get seen in about 2 weeks and I will have to try and keep calm in the meantime. I have worked very hard at not appearing anxious or talking about their health in front of the boys.

On a nicer note, the boys have had their photobooks from me today and seemed to really love them. The Star Wars helium balloons they want to release on Sunday have arrived and they have asked to take them to the park where dh was playing football. They have both made cards for daddy to go in their memory boxes.

I have a busy weekend ahead. Some of my lovely friends are coming over with takeaway tomorrow night and are then staying over. They will leave after breakfast and we will take the balloons, bikes and football to the park (gulp). Luckily, ds2's best friend's birthday is on Sunday so we are then going to see them for a birthday barbeque, which will be perfect. This weekend represents the first key date in the calendar to get through. I know it won't be easy, but I feel better about it at the mo than I expected to. That has to be a good place to start. If ds2 will now let me get some sleep, that would be even better!

LeMousquetaireAnonyme Sat 15-Jun-13 07:35:42

I am in awe sotu, you are amazing flowers.
Thinking of you for this week end, glad to hear that you have support with you.
Sorry to hear about your DS2 though. Do say if you need something.
Can you co-sleep for a while, so you don't have to be up during the night?
Sending virtual hugs.

ScienceRocks Sat 15-Jun-13 09:32:58

Glad your week has been better (other than the cardiac letter) and that you have plans for Sunday. Will be thinking of you x

TwentyTinyToes Sun 16-Jun-13 07:21:55

I hope today passes gently for you all. As someone upthread has said, i am in awe of you and how you are coping. X

PollyLogos Sun 16-Jun-13 08:16:16

I hope you did indeed get a better nights sleep and that today you have a pleasant day with your sons, friends and good memories and not too much sadness.

You are absolutely amazing. Truly. I hope never to be where you are, but if I were to find myself there, I would think of you in order to find the strength and inspiration to go on.

Love to all 3 of you today.

XXX

MunchkinsMumof2 Sun 16-Jun-13 19:23:19

I hope today has been as pleasant as it can be in the circumstances and you've shared some fond memories of your dh. I have thought of you and hope you have a good week x

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sun 16-Jun-13 21:33:23

You are all so lovely!

It has been a hard day, not helped by another short night. My lovely friends who had stayed over took the boys downstairs while I went back to sleep for an hour. I also had the opportunity to have a long shower without having to listen for the boys. That gave me the opportunity to have a cry and to steel myself for the day ahead. The boys decided to release their Star Wars balloons in the garden before we went to the park (where dh was playing football on the evening of his collapse). I showed them where the pitches were, where I had run from and to, to reach him in the ambulance (it was quite a distance!) and then we kicked the football around and blew Daddy some bubbles. We had an ice lolly and a quick play on the play equipment, before going to a barbeque with ds1's godparents and a couple of dh's closest work colleagues. I was pretty knackered by then, but they were all happy to let me sit for most of the time. We came home, did ds1's homework and both ds were asleep by 6:30pm. I've done the ironing and am now ready for bed myself.

I've had the chorus from the Scouting For Girls song 'This Ain't A Love Song' going round in my head all day ('And I'm a little bit lost without you; And I'm a bloody big mess inside', but it does go on to say 'I'm going down, but I'll be coming back fighting; I may be scared and a little bit frightened, but I'll be back, I'll be coming back to life.. And you can try, but you'll never keep me down...') This sums up my thoughts well at the moment. Each time I sit here with tears in my eyes, I hear dh's voice saying, "Come on, girl.. keep going..." It's giving me a lot of strength and makes me smile.

The only thing I really need to do is to believe more in myself. My self-confidence has never been high and dh was the one who was most able to support me in believing in myself. Now I have to finally learn how to believe in myself without his reassurance. He would say, "About bloody time!", and again it makes me smile.

I'm going to bed now, but didn't want to end this first milestone without reflecting.

ScienceRocks Mon 17-Jun-13 07:50:03

Oh survival, yesterday was always going to be hard. Well done on surviving, and it sounds like the boys had a good day.

Please try and believe in yourself a bit more. While your DH may have been the one to give you confidence, allow yourself to look back over the last few weeks and reflect on what a fantastic job you have been doing. Look at your boys and let how well they are managing also fill you with pride in them and yourself. And also, just because your DH isn't with you to tell you that you are getting it right, you know he would be saying it. He would be so proud of how you are doing.

Hope things feel better this morning and you got a decent night's sleep x

LeMousquetaireAnonyme Mon 17-Jun-13 10:17:49

As always SR is right. Look at the thread everyone agrees that you are "worth it".
Thinking of you.

ClimbingPenguin Tue 18-Jun-13 10:01:06

Well we are all here to believe in you while you figure it out fully for yourself. Hope today is going well

SconesForTea Tue 18-Jun-13 23:33:22

You are doing amazingly Survival.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 21-Jun-13 21:39:56

Another week draws to a close. I am now 8 weeks in to my new life: still very tired; up and down; have had pmt this week, which is now passing; migraine today and yet feeling happier than I have for a couple of days! I can't predict at the moment how things will be from one day to the next.

Both boys took their photobooks into school/pre-school today and enjoyed showing them to friends/staff. I think this is a good thing that they wanted to share them. They seem to have had a reasonably positive week, although ds1 did say a couple of days ago, "When I get into bed in the dark, I have very dark thoughts and they make me sad." My poor five year old is too wise for his age. He has had some difficult dreams, including one about me being sent to prison and one about dh coming back. At least he is telling me and letting me comfort him, as he doesn't usually like cuddles very much. I have propped his blackout blind so that a large shard of light can now get in while he is going to sleep and I have sat with him during the worst times.

I have had times in the last few weeks of worrying that I was particularly harsh on dh when he was alive (as he was somewhat lacking in the memory department during times of stress, which pretty much accounted for the last 3 years of our marriage, due to our boys' health issues!) This evening, I have tidied out a cupboard that ds1 started emptying this morning. In a pile of random items, I found last year's Valentine's card from dh to me. It says, "To my beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful wife - to the love of my life and my very best friend - I am so very lucky. All my love, Mr Survival" This made me sob, but it made me feel so relieved that I couldn't have been that horrible all the time!! I shall keep it in the beautiful memory box that my friend brought round to me the other night (that she has had made for me). It's funny, because I had no intention of tidying out the cupboard tonight, and probably wouldn't otherwise have found it for weeks or months. I've had the hardest few days yet in the last week, and then I have found something so lovely and reassuring that has picked me up and will carry me forwards again. In addition, the pots that my lovely friend and I planted out a few weeks ago are looking beautiful in my garden tonight and I still feel that we have a lot to be thankful for, despite the situation in which we find ourselves. I hope this feeling, and my optimism, will last as I think it is seeing me through.

Might not be posting for a few days as the laptop is being taken by a friend to see if he can sort out some issues with connectivity.

ScienceRocks Fri 21-Jun-13 22:04:57

Of course you weren't too harsh, survival. Your DH adored you, as you did him. So pleased you found the card and it made you feel good.

Glad the boys are sharing their thoughts and memories with you and others too.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, my friend, and remember that many of us are thinking of you every step of the way.

JewelFairies Fri 21-Jun-13 23:29:26

What SR said. We really need a 'like' button on mn!!!

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