DC obsessed with dying following Nanny's death

(10 Posts)
Manz39 Thu 18-Apr-13 12:15:40

Hello,
I am new to this site but and desperate for some advice! My mum died nearly a year ago following a short battle with cancer. My DC, at the time seemed to accept it reasonably well, we told them that Nanny had become a star in the sky, they got upset a few times, mainly when I got upset, as I wasn't able to hide how sad I was, especially in the beginning.
Anyway, we went to visit what we call "nanny's tree" on Mothers Day, and ever since both children seem to have grasped more what it means to die and we have at least one conversation about it a day, often more. Both say they don't want to die, don't want to be a star, they seem to think I am going to die soon, or one of them is going to die. I've told them that they won't die until they are very old but it doesn't seem to be enough.
The eldest (they are nearly 4 and 5 1/2) is also having problems at bed-time as he is scared of being alone, and I mainly end up sitting outside his room.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on, I'm just hoping someone can reassure me that it's just a stage they go through, or do I need to get someone professional to talk to them?

rubyrubyruby Fri 19-Apr-13 08:20:14

I haven't any great advice but hopefully by posting someone who can help will see this thread.

I would say just keep answering their questions honestly and calmly. I would be careful about saying that people only die when they are old though. Children do talk about these things whereas adults tend to lock it away whichisnt always a good thing,

Manz39 Fri 19-Apr-13 16:29:59

Thanks for your reply. I did wonder about saying people only die when they are old, but was worried they might get even more upset if I went into more detail re accidents, illnesses etc. Will just keep answering their questions as they arise I guess.

t875 Fri 19-Apr-13 22:28:17

Hi Manz, i also have lost my mum a year ago so I really feel for you and so sorry for your loss.

I have a 2 children I haven't had this with either of them yet..but im sure it is very common with children to say.

I would give Winstons Wish a phone, i remember phoning them after I lost my mum for advise and they were great. Maybe they can give you some advise how to help with this.

Hope things calm down with this for you. x

t875 Fri 19-Apr-13 22:29:50

They told me about a book called muddy puddles where it has crafty projects for the children to get involved with. x

Manz39 Sun 21-Apr-13 09:19:09

Sorry for the delay in replying. Friday was the anniversary of my mum's passing so a difficult couple of days! Thank you for your kind words, I am sorry for your loss also, it's horrendous isn't it? I will give Winston's Wishes a call and see what they say x

t875 Mon 22-Apr-13 12:17:32

It really is Manz, I think my 4 sessions with cruse have helped me along this way, tough times still, miss her like mad just cant believe it. We have also had the anniversary of my mums passing a few weeks back, i have to say although still very hard it was a bit better as time has gone on, but since the anniversary its def taken me back. I just want her here! The realization that she isn't just in a friends or on holiday or anywhere she is actually gone!! Although i like to think she is with me in spirit but i know this is a personal thing to each of us. We have a thread on here loss of a parent, it has given me a big support, please come join us there, we have ranted and raved, chatted, we all just pop by when we need that chat.
Hope Winstons wish can help, take care x

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Mon 22-Apr-13 12:26:25

Sorry no advice but my dd was too young to understand when my dad passed away but it had a massive impact as she spent all week with my parents whilst I was at work. She stopped sleeping through the night. Is there a local bereavement service near you?

Manz39 Mon 22-Apr-13 16:15:26

Thanks LovesBeingWoken, sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. They haven't actually spoken about dying for a couple of days, but if it starts up again, I might contact Cruse again as I have spoken with them before. I also have Winston Wishes number to call as well.

Jinty64 Tue 30-Apr-13 13:52:36

I lost my Mum 10 months ago. Ds3 (6) took it all very well and we involved him in all the arrangements. However a few weeks ago he started asking when dh and I would die saying things like "daddy is oldest, he should die first". This lasted a couple of weeks and stopped. He speaks about his Nanny all the time and fabricates stories of things they did together. The other day he said "do they make little coffins for children to play with", which I thought was a bit odd but generally he seems happy enough so I just try to answer his questions as best I can.

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